Outside Existence

Chapter 2 - Madness

Every colour has implications and meanings. The gold was to represent a crown, the fact that it was on the horns meant it was royalty to demons. Purple was another implication of royalty, but the fact that it grew darker was malicious. Astah knew that the darker the purple, the more powerful it was. The fact that the eyes were purple was a way to communicate “this is what I see you through, I see you through the power I have over you, and this is how you will see me, looking at you and my power over you”, the demon might as well as put her in chains and whipped her. Bronze was the personal insult. Astah had confessed that bronze was her favourite of the metallic colours, as it looked like fire made solid, and meant ferocity. The bronze face meant that this demon was ferocious. It was warning sign, not a warning sign of a nearby cliff that you see 30 meters before the cliff that bore the message “beware, cliff in 30 meters”, more like seeing a warning sign as you were falling off the cliff bearing a message “you are going to die, nothing will save you now”. By this time, she had decided that it was a dream, the visual demons couldn’t actually make her see things in reality, only in her dreams.

The demon stared at her and pondered whether it should follow instructions. She stared back. The creature opened its mouth and revealed a sound that could only be the sound of every living creature shrieking in pain. This couldn’t be a dream, it was far too real, but not even reality would be so cruel. Astah watched as Quinn’s whole body went into a violently fit of twitching. Astah wondered why she had not been so affected by the sound. The demon reached inside its robes and should’ve pulled out a hand. Instead, there was a meter-long knife that vibrated. It was humming and Astah did not want to know why. The demon turned to Quinn, still questioning its orders. It pulled back the knife.

              “No!” Astah screamed. She jumped up and put herself between Quinn and the demon. Immediately, she knew that this was not a dream, this pain was not the invention or within the comprehension of the human mind. She could feel cold hands sliding into the wound as if they were coming out of the knife. An infection of sorts spread amongst her organs, like ice amongst a lake. Long nails scraped at her rib cage. Quinn woke with a jolt of shock, seeing her sister on the floor, screaming and attempting to rip out her innards. Quinn instantly picked her up and ran down to her mother. Astah knew that they couldn’t see the wound. They couldn’t hear the voices or see the faces in silhouettes, therefore they can’t see the wound. She was using every last piece of her strength and willpower to hold her form, she could not let herself be exposed.

Despite the fact that there appeared to be no wound, her mother rushed her to the hospital. The pain was almost intolerable, almost. As Astah was lifted onto the flat, uncomfortable, cold hospital bed, she silently swore to herself, that she would not die tonight and that she would not let herself be found out. She refused to spend eternity with those things, she didn’t have enough memories to relive to pass through eternity. They had to strap her to the bed, they did it with leather, which felt like it was going to tear before her will. Nothing they had could have stopped her if she had not wished it to.  

“What happened?” The doctors calmly asked Quinn for the hundredth time, trying to assess what needed to be done with the wound.

“I told you! All I know is when I woke up, she was screaming and pulling at her skin, and…” Quinn responded trying to think of what Astah had actually done. She hadn’t exactly been taking notes at the time.

“What is wrong with her?” Tristan slammed his knuckles into the table. He was losing patience and was confused, which, as part of the human race, only made him angrier.

“Sir, we cannot see what the matter with your friend at the moment is, but we trying to find out,” The doctor said calmly.

“Well, you’re a doctor aren’t you, didn’t you take med school, aren’t you supposed to know what’s wrong with her!” He began to raise his voice. He, of course, knew that Astah had trouble sleeping because of the terrible things she saw in her dreams, but he had not known that it was this bad.

~

She woke up slowly again. Immediately remembering all that had happened the last time she woke up slowly. She sat up and tried to stand, searching for the Perfect Demon. As soon as her feet took on her weight, every bone, muscle and join refused to continue and collapsed. Tristan walked into the room, just in time to catch her as she fell. 

“Woah, whoa. Ok, there you go.” He said putting her back on the bed.

“Where is it? Where did it go?” She asked, wanting to catch up with the evil being that nearly killed her sister, though she could not stand, even if her eyes would stay open. And then they shut, and consciousness slipped from her grasp.

“Well, at least you’re asleep now. No more trying to chase after whatever something. Ok? Good.” He spoke to her even though he knew she was asleep. He had only just finished speaking when in came: two male police officers, Astah's mother and Ru who was in front of them all. Ru rushed to her side.

“What did she do, what did she say?” Ru inquired studying Astah's face and slow breaths.

“She tried to follow ‘it’. But I don’t know what ‘it’ is.” He answered, slightly curious and mostly worried.

“‘It’?” asked one of the officers, confused. He wondered why Astah used the pronoun ‘it’ instead of ‘she’ or ‘he’, either of the two would have assisted in the investigation.

“Um, something like: where was it?” Tristan said, trying to recall, while the memory was still there “Something along those lines.” Astah’s mother sat down next to her. Tristan and Ru meandered into the corner.

“Did you know about the demons before this?” She asked him.

“Yeah… Wait, you knew about that?” He exclaimed quietly, stunned.

“Yes, why is it so shocking?” She asked.

“She only tells that to people that she is sure are going to…” He trailed off, trying to stop himself from using the most accurate word “Stick around.” Yeah, that was good enough.

“Well, I’m not just passing through, I’m here to stay.” She snapped back, offended.

“No, I didn’t mean that you weren’t trustworthy. Just that she has a been hurt, and a lot of the time she is quite guarded around people who aren’t family.” He explained.

“Well, you aren’t.” She noted.

“I might as well be,” Tristan said without thinking, a smile briefly passing over his expression.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing, forget it.” He concluded, breaking back into reality before re-approaching Astah’s bed. 

A few minutes later she awoke to again find Tristan sitting on her bed, her mother and Ru were also in the room this time. She did not try to capture the being again, she somehow knew she would not do it now, but her chance would come soon enough. 

“Hey, guys.” She said quietly, her throat was dry.

“Hey,” replied Tristan as Astah’s mother and Ru approached the bed.

“How are you doing?” asked Ru. 

“Ok now, I think,” Astah concluded. “So when can I leave?” Astah was impatient to leave, she didn’t like hospitals very much, they were plain, had no smell, nor colour to associate with, only pain and blood. 

“The doctors say that you have to stay for another two nights, just to make sure you don’t have any more episodes.” Answered her mother. Astah felt like she was trapped inside a prison.

“How am I supposed to get through this without any more…episodes?” She exclaimed hopelessly. “Am I supposed to go the whole time without sleeping? Even if I could, they would get suspicious.”

              “You could say you’re an insomniac.” Suggested Ru, opposing Astah’s hopelessness with a glimmer of possibility.

              “I’m pretty sure they can test for that.” Astah kindly put out the glow.

              “You can say you don’t sleep well in hospitals.” Tristan suggested “We have patients like that. They don’t sleep at all, they just stay awake, the whole time, sometimes even during surgery. Sometimes it’s because they think it’s a sign of strength, sometimes it’s because they’re fascinated, other times it’s because they’re paranoid, but not very often.” He had found a loophole.

              “I think that might work.” Astah consented.

              “Do you mind if I call mum? She said she’d like to bring Jewel to see you when you got better.”  Tristan requested, wondering what he was going to tell his mother about what had happened.

              “Yeah, sure, I’d love to see Jewel.” She was worried about what Eloa would think of her now. Tristan squeezed Astah’s hand and looked at her in the way that said ‘we’ll get through this, together’ before he left the room. She was glad she had him, he was glad he had her. They had one of the very rare loves that endured through almost anything. Almost.

“So what do you think of him?” Astah asked as Ru sat down at the edge of the bed.

              “I think he loves you.” Ru had always had trouble lying, and she couldn’t lie to Astah. “I think he is away far too much and that made him ignorant of certain aspects of your condition.” She confessed as delicately as she could “And I think he gets far too much recognition and too many privileges for things he hasn’t really earned.” She just couldn’t hold it back.

              “What do you mean by that?”

              “I mean that he is considered part of your family, despite the fact that he is never here and clearly doesn’t know all that much about you. He hasn’t been here, he hasn’t seen it, and yet he is treated as if, as if he is to inherit the house or something. He has a VIP pass that he hasn’t earned.” Ru couldn’t overlook his privileges in the house, the way everyone treated him with such respect and admiration. “I’m sorry, I just…” she had trouble putting her feeling of envy into words that didn’t sound disrespectful.

              “You think that he is ignorant, and perhaps he is somewhat ignorant of the extent of my… issues, but the fact that you think he has not earned the way he is treated, then you are even more ignorant.” Astah couldn’t let her best friend think little of her boyfriend “He may not be here all the time now, but he was there for me every second before his father died. He gave me all his time, all his effort, and he loved me, as I did him. His father died, and suddenly, his family had very little money, they were struggling to survive and he was the man of the house. They had to move so they had support from Eloa’s family and so Tristan could have better chances of getting a job. He loved me, but his family needed him to step up, and I was not going to be that girl who gave up because someone needed him and he put their needs over my preferences. Because if I had left him if I gave up because his family needed him, then I wouldn’t have loved him, and I wouldn’t have cared about his family.”

              “Sorry,” It was the only thing Ru could think to say. She was ashamed of her thoughts, even if the jealousy still seeped its way into her judgement, she couldn’t let that define her actions towards someone who her best friend loved and who loved her best friend. Tristan clearly deserved everything he received. Which only made her jealous of his righteousness, due to her lack thereof. Astah had real demons haunt her, but Ru had her own demons that crept in her shadow. Jealousy was the least scarring, yet still the worst of them all. Astah didn’t want to look at Ru, she knew what would be behind those eyes, those meadow-like eyes, she knew that Ru would be ashamed, but sorry means that you’ll try not to do it again, and though Ru may put up a fight against it, the jealousy wasn’t gone, it tended to linger.  

“I’ll go now.” Ru sensed that her time was up. Astah didn’t want to fight with her, but she didn’t want to talk to her either, for now, Ru was the girl who had insulted her boyfriend. She walked out, and saw Tristan come out of the elevator, she could feel the anger rise inside of her, so she walked the other way. Jealousy was the problem, but one of its favourite accessories was anger.

~

              Tristan walked in.

              “I brought coffee. What’s wrong?” He noticed that she wasn’t happy, or even ok. She was not a happy patient.

              “Nothing, just girl trouble.” Astah was angry at Ru, but she would never expose her weaknesses to the person that caused them to reveal themselves. It would have been like arming someone and then telling them where to strike, you might be able to do that to your enemies, but if you do that to friends, you hand in your sanity card. Astah accepted the coffee.

              “Ah.” He didn’t understand, but he did trust Astah, and he trusted that if she needed or even wanted to talk about it, she would. But then again, “Why didn’t you tell me about how bad it was?”

              “What, the demons? This is the first time this has happened.” She attempted justification.

              “But they must have been bad for them to cause seizures.”

              “I told you, I haven’t had seizures before.” Anger was slowly festering in her countenance. First, her best friend was questioning her boyfriend, then her boyfriend questions her loyalty?

              “They are worse than I think they are though, aren’t they?” Tristan questioned.

              “That depends how bad you think they are .” Astah challenged, refusing to admit to anyone -including herself – that she was in the wrong.

              “Astah.” He was begging and challenging and commanding all at once, he couldn’t stand to think that she had kept anything like this from him, but if she had, he wanted to know why.

              “I wanted to keep you!” She exclaimed, not able to withstand the heat of his stare “I needed you to think of me the same as always, they had been getting stronger, more powerful and I needed you to stay, to look after your family, I couldn’t let you worry about something that you couldn’t have fixed or even changed.” Whenever she thought of it, she thought about the funny YouTube videos where people make cats chase the little pinpoints of light. It was funny when it was a cat, not when it was someone you loved. Showing something they can never catch. “I didn’t want you to know, because I wanted me to stay the same in your mind. I wanted to have you love me, without the worry of the demons.”

              “Astah, these…demons are not part of you, they are something else. I love you, for your good and your bad, but these things are not a part of who you are. They are something that is inflicted on you.” He refused to think that they could be a part of her. How little he knew of her.

              “What if they are a part of me? What if they stay around, what if they don’t go away? Or what if they get worse?” Astah questioned, plead running across her tone. Her eyes searched his for feelings. There was denial, there was fear, there was anger, there was worry, there was so much more denial. He could not believe such a good person could have demons so real, so dominant, so powerful. His eyes were screaming ‘NO’ as loud as they could, the air shook with their refusal of the possibility, the room vibrated, so fast it almost created a sound that rang with rejection.

              “I don’t know.” His shoulders sagged, his eyes fell and he shook his head in deflation. He hated feeling powerless. Astah didn’t like it when he was sad.

              “When will Eloa be here?” She asked as casually as she could after a conversation about her worst fault. He checked his watch.

              “About thirty-five minutes.” He held back the irritation from his voice. He downed the rest of his coffee. “I’ll be back in a minute,” Then he left. Astah looked around the room, taking note of everything. The pattern of the material of the white blinds, the plain white roof, the plain white floor, the plain white door. They should really consider interior decorating. She was examining the bed-side table when someone walked in. She assumed it was Tristan, so she went through the magazines and chose one, before she looked up. It wasn’t Tristan.

              “What are you doing here?” Astah didn’t bother to hide the aggression in her voice.

              “Heard you had a spaz attack.” The uninvited visitor replied.

              “It wasn’t a spaz attack.” Astah countered.

              “Oh, I figured,” She swept her dark brown hair behind her shoulder, the blonde streaks seemed like thin, pale snakes. It suited her.

              “What are you here for?”

              “I wanted to see how bad you were screaming” Hara admitted, without shame or fear, or even resentment.

              “Was that an honest answer that I just heard come out of your mouth?” Astah sneered.

              “My turn to ask questions.” Hara looked at Astah for the first time, her eyes at least hadn’t changed. “Why are you really here?”

              “Why should I answer that question, when I know you’re just going to go and make it public knowledge?” Astah continued insulting.

              “Because I asked. And because I answered your questions.”

              “My questions and your questions are hardly on the same level.”

              “So what do you want?” Hara returned, the conversation had been built on questions, but she wanted hers to be answered.

              “I want you to tell me why.” Astah had never understood her motives, and Astah knew that motives are one of the two things that tell you who a person really is. Hara didn’t even bother asking ‘why what?’ she knew what, even if she was reluctant to tell why.

              “Fine, but you answer my question first.” Hara bargained, Astah could see that Hara was not going to have it any other way.

              “Fine, I am here because I got stabbed.” Astah could see that Hara thought it was a lie.

              “You have no stab wounds, no physical injuries at all from what your chart says.” Hara countered.

              “Well, I never said that it would show up on my chart.”

              “Really, this again?” Hara was tired of being reminded of her wrongdoings.

              “No, not that, I’m not talking about your incessant back-chatting. There was something in Quinn’s room, it…” She couldn’t even think about what to say, there was no way anyone was going to believe her, let alone the person who betrayed her. “I don’t know what happened, nothing like it has ever happened before, and I don’t understand what it was, how or why whatever it was." Hara knew Astah was telling the truth, if she wanted to lie, she would’ve come up with a better one.

              “Ok, I believe you, but you haven’t given me any information.” Hara turned and walked out.

              “Wait!” Astah called from behind an almost closed door, “I’m being honest, just tell me why.” She pleaded to an empty room, no ears to listen to her, no eyes to see, no one to wipe away her tears. She had come so close. If she had just demanded that Hara go first, why hadn’t she, it made more sense. She should have, but in all her stupidity, she didn’t. It wasn’t even in stupidity, it was in fear, it was in the fear that if she demanded that Hara went first, Hara may have just walked out, which may have happened, but it may not have. She may have not gotten an answer, either way, Hara had the option to run, and she would take it, Hara didn’t like to face problems, unless she had the opportunity to stab them in the back.

~

Astah had returned to her magazine by the time the door opened again. Ru eased in carrying a brown, paper bag with something in it that smelled like chocolate and a sorry expression on her face.

              “I come baring food,” She tried hopefully. Astah patted the bed, indicating that she could sit. Ru sat on the bed. “I’m really sorry” She noticed the salty lines traced down her cheeks.

              “No, it’s ok.” Astah knew that it was just jealousy, not envy[1].

              “Have you seen this? Well, of course you haven’t where is your phone by the way?” Ru continued onto a different conversation.

              “Back at home I think. Hey have you seen Tristan?” Astah was wondering why he was taking so long.

              “Yeah, he was down the hall, talking with Eloa, I’m pretty sure he was covering.” Ru didn’t want to say the words ‘for you’. She turned the phone towards Astah “Look,”

              “Hara’s 16th Birthday Party, music, party, costumes, parent free zone.” Astah muttered.

              “How stupid is that? Apparently you don’t need an invite, you just need to have a costume.” Ru scoffed at the thought of having groups of random people wandering around your house doing heaven does not want to know what. “And everyone keeps talking about the Tempest Twins who are supposed to be coming. As if they would come, they’re not some party trick.”

              “Who?” Astah’s social memory of local legends was temporarily delayed.

              “The Tempest Twins from Eggrid High,” Ru prompted “There’s no way they’re gonna show though. It’s the Tempest Twins, they’re not going to show up to some house party.”

              “We should go.” Astah suggested “I’ll be released by then and we don’t have anything else to do.”

              “Are you mad?” Ru couldn’t think of a worse idea.

[1] Jealousy and envy are not all that different, but they are also completely different things. Jealousy is when you want what someone else has. Envy is when you are willing to harm that person or others in order to obtain it.