Between Hate and Love

Chapter 1

Bakit ba kasi ako umasa?

I knew it was a stupid idea to come home and to meet him. I had high hopes. I flew so high and then, here I was on the floor, lying in my own bloodshed, because my heart just got ripped out of my body.

“Eh bakit naman kasi hindi mo siya kinausap? Bakit naman ganoon agad ang nangyari sa inyo?” tanong ni Venera sa akin.

We were inside my room because I had no plan of getting out of bed this whole day... or maybe until tomorrow. Wala akong gana. Hindi ko nga rin gustong makita ang iba naming mga kaibigan.

I told Venera everything that happened. As in everything, and that included the make-out session that happened between me and him inside the bar’s comfort room.

“Ang usapan, pupuntahan mo siya para makapag-usap kayo. Hindi ba?” pagsabon ni Venera sa akin. “Oh, eh bakit napunta sa chukchakan at ganoong klaseng session. Tapos ngayon iiyak ka!”

“Hindi ko naman alam na gano’n na welcome ibibigay niya sa’kin,” sagot ko. Yakap ko pa rin ang unan at kahit sabihin sa’kin ni Venera na kumain na ako ay ayoko.

“Aba! Anong gusto mo? Iniwanan mo ‘yung tao, tapos gusto mo salubungin ka niya with flowers and red carpet?”

Venera was just a loud woman, but she truly cares for me. I know that in my heart. She had always been there for me… for us. And she witnessed every relationship that I had. Dalawa lang naman ‘yon, at simula high school magkasama na kami.

I feel like my whole world just collapsed. I was expecting him to be mad at me, but he gave me hope… Then it just crumbled when he looked me in the eyes with nothing but coldness. Like he wanted to hurt me… to have his revenge… to make me have the dose of my own medicine.

“Ano na ‘yung plano mo niyan?”

I didn’t really know how to answer to that. Aside from the fact that I didn’t have a job anymore, I came back to the Philippines for him. I didn’t extend my stay in the US, kahit pa bigyan ako ng promotion at mas mataas na sweldo.

I know to myself that I want him back and that I have to get back to him. Gusto ko’ng linisin ang pangalan ko sa kanya at ayusin ang relasyon namin. It didn’t end well. I wanted to fix that.

Halos hindi ako mapakali sa loob ng limang taon na wala ako sa Pilipinas. Lagi ko siyang naiisip. Tiniis ko lang dahil may kontrata ako, at ginusto ko ‘yon.

“Get up. Get your life together. Hindi puwede na dito ka lang sa bahay mo. Kauuwi mo lang, it’s not the end of the world. Visit tita na rin please, and your siblings,” sabi ni Venera sa akin, unpacking my stuff.

Kahapon lang ako dumating, tapos dumiretso ako sa kagagahan ko na sinuportahan ni Venera at ng ilan naming mga kaibigan. Hindi pa nga ako nakakapag-ayos ng mga gamit ko. Hindi rin alam nina mama na nakauwi na ko.

“I am ashamed of myself,” I told Venera.

Venera did not speak anymore. She looked at me with sympathy and then sat on the side of the bed, now munching a chocolate that came from my luggage that she rummaged.

“I left. Then here I am, wanting him back.”

Venera caressed my hair. “Gaga ka kasi,” malumanay niyang tugon. “Ginusto mo ‘yan. Magdusa ka.”

I sighed deeply.

I woke up again but I didn’t have the strength to get up. The curtains were opened and judging from the view outside, it was already evening. I groaned, not wanting to do anything.

When I looked around me, my stuff were already packed and the gifts that I bought for my family were already inside another bags. I figured Venera fixed it already as a way of telling me to get up.

Nang mahila ko na ang sarili ko para umupo sa kama, napansin ko ang iniwan na post-it note ni Venera. She said she’ll be back tomorrow at kung hindi pa rin ako umaalis ng bahay ay hihilahin niya na ako palabas.

I smiled. She never changed. She was as sweet as ever, in her own way.

I reached for my phone at the bedside table. It was 2 in the morning and I couldn’t sleep anymore. My hands just swiped the screen until it pressed on the gallery.

As I swiped the phone, old images greeted me.

Of course there were pictures of him… of us.

Our first photo together was still there. I zoomed in the picture and just felt something tight in my chest. He was smiling so widely beside me. It wasn’t our picture together, but we were standing side-by-side. Sabi niya sinadya niya ‘yon para magkatabi kami, then he cropped the photo para magmukhang kaming dalawa lang ‘yung nasa litrato. It made me smile… And just made me feel hurt even more. Para na akong nababaliw.

My fingers immediately swiped to see the next photos and videos. I couldn’t believe how long I was keeping all these. The videos that we took. Even the sceneries that we always loved to take pictures of every time we were together were still there. There were also tons of candid shots that our friends took. I didn’t delete anything… not even one.

The pictures made me reminisce what we had before. I felt like breaking apart again. I miss him badly, pero ako ‘yung nang-iwan sa kanya. Kailangan ko siyang suyuin.

I almost threw my phone when it rang. I didn’t know why but I hoped he was the one that was calling me, but of course, why would he do that?

It was Hendrix, a friend of ours who works in his company.

“Hey,” I said.

“Hey. Good thing you’re still using your old phone number. Anyway, I heard you’re in the Philippines already. Sabi sa’kin ni Venera naghahanap ka ng work since tapos na ‘yung kontrata mo,” sinabi ni Hendrix.

I nodded as if he could see me. “Yes… What’s this about?”

“Sakto, gago! Opening sa’min, puwede ka. Naghahanap siya ng assistant.”

My eyebrows raised. “Siya? You mean?”

I felt excited.

“Oo. Sa ex mo, dito. Actually, I already submitted your resume. Okay lang ba? Kaya naman?”

I almost shouted in joy. But I also felt nervous about it. Nanginginig na nga ang kamay ko dahil sa kaba. Paano kung hindi niya ako tanggapin? Paano kung bitbitin niya ‘yung galit niya sa’kin hanggang sa opisina? There were loads of what ifs!

Nang marining ni Hendrix na hindi ako sumasagot ay tinawag niya ako ng ilang beses. “Angel. Ano na? Okay lang ba? Huwag ka’ng mag-alala, gusto ka pa rin nu’n ni Khal.”