Dandelion

Chapter 16

                                                                     The Smell of Memories

Uncertainty sure can be a force that could push anyone to do things they may have not imagined that they would ever do. Such seems to also be my case right this moment that I was seating at the back seat of my black van with Elia driving.

My eyes were literally ailing me to stay open at this point as the time was past midnight but I guess I shouldn't be the one to complain. Elia's said nothing to me, however, despite that I had explained nothing to him. I had not told him why had I texted him to come to pick me up from my house with whatever excuse he could find proper, nor I had explained why I did so at 1 am.

If I had another choice of course I Would have not bothered him but Ren didn't seem to be leaving no matter how much time went by and how much I avoided him. The thought only of sharing a bed with him seemed scary to me because I just wasn't sure if he would stay put. After that kiss we shared and the hickey on my neck that he saw, it just was best if I was to be distant from him, not only just because I was not able to trust him but I was not able to trust myself as well.

He could make you weak, alright. I definitely could not blame Zein for being interested in this guy. Cold exterior yet smiles only in front of her. Seems indifferent around others but shows care only when it comes to her, someone who holds not much of a variety of expressions around others but he had so many before my eyes. There was no denying that he was attractive physically too. A good build and tall frame, jet black hair with a pair of brown orbs that pierced just right through the sharp shape his eyes held. Eyebrows that were better than mine used to be, not to mention the fact that his eyelashes were really long. The unfairness of this world. Was I the only one that was a mess? Why are all these people around her as good looking as Zein, herself seems to be? Heaven is playing games.

I left an exhale escape my lisp, as my mind traveled to his lips. Another unfair part of his body which I would better not get into talking about it cause not only they were well defined and soft but they also knew how to work wonders. Why is he, such good of a kisser? Seriously it makes me mad just thinking about it. I have to admit to one thing, however. Zein may have messed things up in her private life but she sure had a great taste...Gosh someone come to collect my thoughts.

"Where am I supposed to take you?"Elia, disturbed my thoughts -thankfully- making me recall that of course the excuse he gave Ren for taking me with him was not true so we basically had no destination. My father had not requested to meet me before he was to leave for a trip as he told Ren, nor I would like to see someone who I don't really know anyways, so here we are, wandering around into the night.

"How about the villa? Yes, take me there!" My eyes sparkled in excitement just thinking about the opportunity of visiting that place again. I had missed it, I had missed it so much. My safe space, my soul's home.

"Villa?" He questioned making me understand that it was logical that not everyone would know of which one I was referring to so I spoke of the address and smiled wide as he agreed and continued driving.

"Oh my, thank you so much, Elia. You are the best!" I patted his arm in happiness and he looked a bit at me returning my smile. There he was again, the friendly Elia I had first met some days ago. The fact that he didn't look mad anymore really made me relaxed. 

I made myself comfortable in the back seat and gazed out the window now in anticipation. I was soon going to be there, I was soon going to feel at home and take in the familiar scent of that building. I will soon see my favorite curtains and breath freely in the darkness that surrounds everything in there. I took a deep inhale as I felt the feeling of missing something from the depths of my soul.

As minutes passed by I found myself unable to stand still. My fingers would play with one another way too often, my leg started moving slightly on its own and my head could not stay still looking in only one direction. I felt my insides ready to burst. I wanted to reach there so badly. Elia glanced at me through the mirror once or too, probably noticing my eagerness as he stepped a bit more on the speed pedal.

Soon  I will be there, soon I will feel like me. The thought that crossed my mind had me feeling sad all of a sudden. No matter how much I tried to hide it, I guess it's inevitable. There was not only the house I had missed, there was not only the familiarity that it gifts me. What I yearned for was me myself. Was to feel in the flesh of Amelia Lee, to look through my own eyes even though they weren't as beautiful as Zein's. To breathe air in my own lungs, to see my own shadow under the moonlight.

I wanted to hear my own voice coming out when I open my mouth, I wanted to see my smile cracking through my usually resting face, I wanted to see my own finger and feel the touch of my skin. However, I do realize that going back there was not going to bring me back any of this. I could not come back...I was dead.

Happiness felt draining away as fast as it bloomed within me and I fell quiet once again, till Elia called my name. A name that was not mine, a person that was not friends with me, eyes which looked at me yet not at me.

"Won't you get out? Is this not the right place?" He questioned making me finally take a look at my surroundings. We had arrived.

I stepped out of the vehicle without saying anything back to him as my attention was now elsewhere. I walked rapidly towards the villa at first but each step made me feel as if a voice was calling out to me, telling me to hurry. I started running towards it as if someone was chasing me. Please, make it feel the same.

I halted by the doorstep, taking in the sound of my rapid breathing then I placed my hand upon the doorknob almost feeling guilty that I was touching it with this skin. As if a house could recognize me, I pushed the door open with despair to be welcomed and I was met with the familiar corridor full of dust and vagued footsteps that mostly used to belong to me. 

My breath halted in my throat as I dared to make the first step, letting the atmosphere get ruined by its sound then I proceeded following the usual path towards my favorite room.

The balcony door was open, just like I had left it the last time I was here. The curtains were lightly moving to the breeze of the night and the moon was bringing light inside more than enough. I smiled for a moment, being delusional. It felt like if I had gone back in time. So familiar that I swear my heart could have burst out of happiness.

Of course, that was only till the stains on the floor got my attention. They were dried but they still flashed red before my eyes. The smell of blood suddenly filled the air, making the beat of my heart change rhythm, and the oxygen that so effortlessly was entering and leaving my body soon started getting heavy and tasteful. A bitter sense that rose from the pit of my stomach, making me feel dizzy and disgusted.

There was nothing disgusting by the sight of the blood because it was mine. The more I looked at it the more I swore I could feel the sharpness of that dagger, tearing my skin apart. It felt so real that I unconsciously left out a whimper of pain and held tight over the shirt I was wearing.

My hand trembled for a bit but soon let go of my shirt and instead potioned itself at the side of my body. My feet took me further out in the balcony where I could feel the breeze stronger hitting against my skin. It felt refreshing but cold like needles were attacking my face.

Something inside me told me to not look down, but that thought alone seemed to be a whisper of the devil as I took one more step and got a hold of the dusty steel reels of the balcony. I knew that it would be better if I was not to look, but the moonlight seemed as if it was lighting right upon it. Take a look, take a look, the wind started sneaking in my ears, just a glimpse, just a glance, the smell of the dandelions reached my nostrils...And without me even noticing, I had given in.

There laid the red dandelions right beneath me, no longer standing tall as they had been broken and damaged by the weight of the body that had crashed into them. A body that was no longer there, but the image flashed before my eyes as if I had seen me from above. So vivid that even the shadows on my motionless face were visible, so alive, that I could stare at my orbs that were losing the light of life slowly.

I was down there. I was the one feeling that moment but if I was there then why...why in my head is not the memory of watching the moon from down there and observing the red color of the dandelions. I never saw me from this point of view...and if that's so then...who's view was this that my mind is portraying?