Dandelion

Chapter 8

                                                                               Mental struggles

Why does the earth never opens to swallow you whole when you want it to? His lips finally left mine and a smirk appeared on his face as he was looking at my flustered self, that was all I thought about.

Did he have to do that out of nowhere? To a total stranger?! Well, I guess I am no stranger to him, I am supposed to be his girlfriend and now I realize how much dangers that position may hold. 

I averted my eyes and headed to the bathroom as quickly as I could, in search of some solitude but once inside I was met with Tian whom I had momentarily forgotten the existence of. Who could blame me really? After that kiss, I am surprised I remember my name. Damn, he sure knows how to kiss.

"Why are your cheeks red? What happened?" Tian's question got me out of my reminiscing thoughts of the incident and made me look around the bathroom as if I didn't already know that we were the only ones in there.

"Nothing...The reporters are leaving. Once I manage to escort Ren and Elia out, I will inform you. You stay here till then." I told him as I approached the mirror and started searching for the appropriate products to take off my makeup. I was nervous to be honest because even though I had done nothing wrong towards him, I still lied.

There was no way however that he wasn't used to such. He was the third one in a relationship, after all. What else was he to expect? The thought only made me have some sympathy towards him. He seemed to sincerely show care for Zein yet she can not give him her all. Well now that she is no more and I am in her body, she actually can give nothing to him nor anyone. I am not good with relationships, to not mention that I barely trust my own shadow much more a guy. I learned not to in a harsh way and I don't plan on falling into that trap again. Love is nothing but a stupid game that has to have a loser and honestly I don't want to ever play it again.

That goes for all kinds of love, however, not just the romantic one. That's why I had no friends or held anyone close. I can not allow myself to love anyone ever again. I won't be heartbroken and betrayed. I have played that role once too many times and trust me, it's not fun. As most of us though, there comes a day which you stop trying to make things work and stop believing that not all are the same and not everyone will hurt you. Because the ones I loved the most broke that belief so outsiders don't matter much to me. 

Yet every time I see someone like Tian or Ren, someone who is a candidate to get hurt by love, I can't help but feel apologetic and sympathetic. Having tasted that poison, I wish I had the power to protect anyone else from tasting it but I can't be anyone's savior. I couldn't save my own self after all. I sound so delusional.

"You can't lie to me." He broke the silence that had engulfed us as I was attending to my face, and I couldn't help but gaze at him, slightly anxious from his words.

"Something is wrong with you. Since yesterday something has been off with you. It's okay if you don't feel ready to tell me but at least don't try to lie to me, Zein." Tian's gaze seemed stern as he spoke, yet somehow his tone of voice managed to come off as caring, or maybe so I couldn't help but interpret it.

He stood there with his arms crossed, looking half offended and half ready to let that stern expression melt away. His hair fell over his furrowed eyebrows, covering them here and there while his big eyes shone under the lightbulb which was right above his head. Was he mad or was he sad, I couldn't distinguish but I sure understood that I had to apologize and so I did yet again my soft 'Sorry' didn't seem to have satisfied him.

"Didn't I just say to not lie to me? As if you would ever be sorry for such a thing." His voice rose a bit making me reflexively let my palm reach to his mouth and cup it close, out of fear. What if Ren was to hear his voice?  That wouldn't end in anything good.

Tian seemed surprised by my action for a second but he halted his tongue immediately and I let go of him soon after only to find out that a smile had formed on his lips. One that left me a bit concerned. "Emm... sorry I didn't mean to-" I spoke up but my words were soon cut from his actions as he didn't waste even a second to take hold of my waist and lift me to place me on the bathroom counter next to the sink.

I was more than surprised, to be honest, but as he positioned himself in front of me and tried to lean towards my face, I took that as a signal to run from there as soon as possible cause apparently I had given him some kind of signal which I didn't understand. I pushed him quickly enough and talked out loud, stating that I was done with my makeup then headed out, thankfully him not doing any moves to keep me there.

I could feel my heart beating faster than before once I stepped out of that room. This woman's life sure isn't easy. The heck she survived through all this mess every day? Could I possibly make a request to go to another body? Does heaven have any offices to take care of such requests? I hope they do cause I am seriously thinking of handing in a ten paged essay about why I can't live this woman's life. Sure she has fame, beauty, and money but is all that worth having to go through heart attacks every two minutes or so? I don't think so.

I am seriously not good with close human contact, please, please just make them all get away quickly.

"What are you standing there for? Won't you come to drink your juice?" Ren's voice made me aware of his presence in the room but honestly, all I wanted was to be alone so I dared to ignore him and walked straight to the bed, took hold of the blanket and the phone that was on the commode and I opened the closet, entering it without hesitation and closing the door as fast as I could manage, leaving Ren's question of what I was doing unanswered.

I don't care how weird this may seem to him. I no longer care if this action may be something Zein would not do. I need to be alone now or I feel like I will have an anxiety attack. This is too much. Everything is too much. Why did I have to die? I didn't deserve to get killed. Why was my breathing bothering anyone? I always minded my own business. Why, why, why!... Why even though all my life I envied people that had other people by their side, I just can't handle them.

"My love..what's the matter?" I heard Ren's voice coming from outside the door of the closet. It felt close as if he was right in front of me but all I could see was darkness. My familiar and pleasant darkness. My peace gifting friend.

"No matter what it is, I hope you know that I am right here." He added and even though I could not see him, I couldn't help but imagine him having a soft gaze.

I responded with silence anyways cause no matter what he said, it could not reach my emotions. I still preferred to be alone over anyone else. I prefer the embrace of my familiar darkness over anyone's loving words. I prefer the cold touch of it over anyone's body warmth. Because in the darkness I never felt anxious, I never felt pressured nor I ever felt scared...almost never.

As those thoughts crossed my mind, I couldn't help but recall that fateful night on the balcony. That night in which I felt uncomfortable inside the darkness which I loved. I felt my peace shattering to leave room to fear. Funny...how I forgot. I allowed myself to think of darkness as my friend and that grew to betray me too.

Where am I to find any comfortable space to hold me now?

I had barely finished that sentence in my head as I saw the closet opening slowly making me take hold of it and stop whoever was that was trying to get me out of that personal space and as I did so Ren didn't seem to resist my hold, leaving the door of the closer partially open. Enough for me to see half of his face and he to see half of mine.

He looked at me without saying anything yet his gaze filled me with instant fear for reasons that I could not pinpoint at that moment. There was something in the way he looked at me. There was something scary enough to make my body get chills and my fingers start slightly to tremble. A gaze that no longer seemed friendly nor loving as he looked at me.

"Get out." He ordered coldly, the low and demanding tone on his voice making my breath get caught up in my lungs. A breath, which soon escaped from my lips as he forcefully pulled the door open.