His Plan, My Execution

Chapter 12: The rock bottom.

WARNING! Strong language. 

The last week was just one piece of s**t. I don't sleep, don't eat and don't even take care of myself properly. I comstantly snap at people, trying not to bite their heads off. Even when they ask me if I want water. I spend most of my time in the garden especially at night. I can't stand Ryu at the moment.

Goddammit. How could I lose my cool like that? I was collected. I was strong. I WAS IN f*****g CONTROL. BUT I f*****g LOST IT. 

I had a plan. I even had my list. I knew what I was doing and was ready for the consequenses. 

BUT I HAD TO LET MY f*****g EMOTIONS TAKE OVER ME. 

I can't let myself do that again. I can't be like them. I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE THEM. It scares me. 

Now I feel like I've lost my innocence and the child within me... I am no longer the innocent, timid girl. I am a yakuza. 

And why is Ryu on my tails? Goddamit. I am so mad at him and I don't even know why! Like it is his fault but he didn't f**k up, s**t like that! Whatsmore he is the one who has more right to be mad at me. I lost my cool when I was taught not. And it is my fault he... 

I sigh and a steam comes out of my mouth. I am sitting outside of our bedroom. It is a chilly night tonight. I should probably go inside. Catching a cold now would be f*****g annoying. I need to go to the toilet anyway.

While I am in the toilet trying to get myself together I hear someone grunting and cursing in pain behind the door.

Thinking that we are attacked I storm out of my door to see Ryu sitting on the edge of the bed sqeezing his......non-existing leg.

I froze in spot and so did he. We look at one another. His eyes showing shock, pain, anger and confusion. And then the guilt hits me again killed by realisation. 

How can I live with myself now? I have been moping around like a depressed pain in the ass. Snapping at people for God knows what. I have been ego-centric when he is the one that needs support the most. He is the one that lost the most. 

I sigh and walk up to him. Kneel in front of him and look at his damaged limp. Tears fill my eyes again. Not from pity but for feeling sad FOR him. It's my fault. The wave of guilt takes over me. I bite my lower lip and look up to him.

"I am so sorry Ryu" I whisper to him as I lean on his other knee and look at my fidgeting fingers. 

The room stays silent. So I decide to speak out everything that has been rotting me from inside.

"I am so sorry for being a selfish b***h. I am sorry for not looking out for you when I should. I am sorry for f*****g up. I am sorry for lashing my anger on you, when actually I should be thanking you." At this point I was full on sobbing.

"God. I am a terrible human being. You've tried to help me when you weren't even obligated to. f**k you even treat me with respect after all. It is even possible that you... you've lost your leg because of... Because of me. If I didn't want this-" I was cut off from my pathetic mumbling by warm hands cupping my cheeks and lifting my wet excuse of a mess called 'my face'.

"I don't blame you for anything. I've been through worse than that. Actually I think I owe you my life. If you didn't stop the bleeding in that car, I might've bled to death. You are a strong woman. But ath the moment you are behaving like a f*****g p***y. You are a wife of a f*****g yakuza! Get yourself together woman!" He said looking in my eyes sternly.

Although what he said hurt like a b***h it made me laugh... Because that is what my mother used to do as well. But I loved it about her. Even if you are through hell she would still tell you the truth in the eye no matter how painful.

"You know. I rarely watch movies, but there is one line I just can't forget." He said a little nervous. I keep looking down, feeling awkward myself.

"There was a boy that fell into a well and while his father rescued him, he said: 'Do you know why we fall? To get back up.'" His voice was soothing. 

But I can't believe he just quoted movie 'Batman'. I chuckle to myself.

I took a deep breath breath with closed eyes and cleared my mind. 

He is right. I just hit a rock bottom and I need to get up. I am his wife wether I want or not and have my duties.

Now that I calmed down... I realised he is still cupping my face. I open my eyes and see his beautiful, dazed eyes looking into mines. But his hiss interrupts our little moment and I sigh again dissapo-

Wait, what? Did I just feel dissapointed? Maybe I've been missing human touch for too long. Actually... Why did I go soft when I was strong before? Is he changing me? 

Shaking thatbidea away I get up, go to the bathroom and take his pills prescribed by our doctor. I take my water from the nightstand and shove it his face.

He looks at the pills then at me with a raised eyebrow.

"What are you doing?" He asked.

I scoff at him and shake my head.

"Something I actually should. Now take the blue ones for pain then the brown ones for sleep. Remember to drink a glass of water." I say to him forcing the tablets and water in his hands.

"I am missing a leg, not a brain or capability to do it myself. Don't do that again." He said in threatening tone, still taking the pills.

"Yhym. Say what you want. I heard the maids talking. You don't take your pills, don't eat and barely sleep. Now, excuse my guts and go to sleep. Now." I tell him with my hands on my hips to look a bit more menancing.

He looks at me impressed this time with empty glass in his hand and I smile mentally at myself.

He chuckles and shakes his head at me.

"Yes, mother" He said cheekily.

I roll my eyes. And walk up to the bathroom.

"I don't remember giving birth to you! And if I did I would kill you right after your birth." I said closing the door.

After doing my bussiness I hesitate to go to bed. The relationship definately has changed between us. There is no longer tension nor fear. I am even more forward with him... Do I start open to up my heart to him? After everything that has happened between us (not in a good way)? It's impossible...

Now that I think about it... There is another reason why I can't sleep. The nightmares. The nightmare that hunt me from the second, worst and most upsetting day of my life. No longer the screams and pleads of my family. Not the time I spent as a 'product for sale'. Neither my first kill. But our car accident.