Broken

CHAPTER FIFTEEN: My Secrets and Your Love

"I have loved you in infinite forms, infinite times and will love you forever."

Anonymous



We lay there for a few moments, both of us unable to move or speak in the aftermath of our lovemaking. Evan slid over to sit up on one elbow. He said earnestly, "I meant what I said. I am in love with you. I'm not sure I can live without you ever again."

His words should have shocked me but they didn't. I couldn't speak. I wanted to tell Evan the truth. I wanted him to know that I was in love with him and I couldn't stop myself if I tried. Fear kept my tongue paralyzed. I was terrified of what I had done and how he made me feel.

He was married to another woman. I was stealing this but I wanted to stay in his arms for the rest of my life. He sensed my feelings somehow because he kissed me and my fear fled as his love washed over me. I returned his kiss with everything I felt inside.

I went to the bathroom to clean myself and then got us both a glass of water. I lit a cigarette and handed it to Evan. I lit another for myself and opened the giant window of my bedroom, not caring that I was naked. I doubted anyone could see me in any case. A giant oak blocked my bedroom window from the view of anyone below.

I had such a strange combination of emotions swirling through me at once. I had no idea what to say. I felt uneasy, nervous, and at the same time, I felt a pull to be next to him. I didn't know how to feel about that and it made me even more unsettled. Instead of speaking, I sat on my window ledge smoking. I stared out the window at the stars, hoping something would come to me.

"Who gave you the roses?" he asked.

I turned from the window to see him sitting on my bed, smoking and watching me. "What? Oh, the flowers. One of my customers buys me a bouquet of roses weekly." I didn't want to tell him about Clark. He was my best friend and watched over me. I had to do the same for him.

Evan c****d his head to the side. "I never asked you before, but are you seeing anyone else?"

The question startled me; I so rarely dated anyone. I also wouldn't be inviting married men back to my apartment to have s*x with them if I were. Before I could answer he said, "That's a stupid question. I know you're not."

I was almost offended by that. Why would no one want to date me? Well, other than the fact that I regarded most men with distaste. I ignored them unless I was on the clock and sometimes even then, but he couldn't know that.

"Why do you say that?" I asked.

Evan gave a wry smile and answered, "You've never had another man in your bed before me. You made me meet you at a corner store. You are a private person despite your profession. You reveal everything and yet absolutely nothing at all." He paused for a moment. "Do you like your job, Paige?"

I felt alarmed by his correct assessment. I also didn't know how to answer his question. It allowed me the time to read all the books I wanted and it kept my sister safe. I had a decent car, clothing, and I was in a safe neighborhood. Whether I liked dancing naked was irrelevant because I had lost any sense of modesty a long time ago.

"I'm good at it if that's what you mean. I was a figure skater in my youth. I took ballet, and my body is healthy. I can do it well and it pays the bills."

Once again, surprise registered on his face. "You are a figure skater?"

I nodded.

"Are you good?"

"I was. I might have been one of the best if I had started at a younger age. As it was, I was too old and my breasts were too large no matter how much I starved myself."

My frank assessment made him stare at my full breasts and rosy pink n*****s. My body began to blush under his gaze. "Come back to bed, Paige," he commanded.

I did as he asked and lost myself once again in his body. I thought we would go more slowly this time, but heat rose between us quickly. The fire we created burned until we came with a rush. I felt like my heart would explode with the joy I felt in those moments. I fell asleep next to him, content and exhausted.

I woke up alone and thought for a moment that I had dreamed the entire evening. I rolled over and saw that Evan left a note on my bedside table.

My love,

I had to leave for an early surgery. Here's my cell number and my pager number. Please call me. I need you.

Evan

He called me his love. My heart filled with a wild joy but cold reality quickly extinguished it. He was handsome, smart, funny, thoughtful, tender, and kind. I loved his smell, his touch, his taste, his eyes, and his voice. I even loved the cute loafers with the tassels that he wore. I loved the way he made me feel inside when he was near me.

He was also married and off-limits. He was like the Titanic: gorgeous, but a death trap.

I didn't call him that day or the next. I knew the danger. If I continued to see him it would not end well. Grandma Spencer had been clear. I needed to listen and pay attention when I had that feeling in my stomach and chest.

I didn't care what anyone thought of me when I became a stripper. I hadn't considered marriage. If I did date a man, I usually dropped him like a stone a week or two later. Candy called it the "Catch and Release" method of dating and she was right. I always found something wrong with every one of them. They didn't open the door for me, they sniffed a wine cork, they were too stupid, too vain, or they chewed their food all wrong.

Candy would shake her head and say, "Send the good-looking ones my way, okay? I'm not as picky."

I worked and ate my dinner alone in my apartment the first night. I barely slept and stared at my phone, wanting to call him. Instead, I changed my sheets and burned sage, hoping to erase him. It didn't work. I began reading The Feast of Love and it got me through until the morning.