Broken

CHAPTER SIXTEEN: Staring at the Sun

"He stepped down, trying not to look long at her, as if she were the sun, yet he saw her, like the sun, even without looking."

Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina

The second night I could no longer stand the space of my apartment. He was there with me even when he wasn't there. I could feel him everywhere. I felt hollow inside. What in the hell was wrong with me? I couldn't get through ten minutes without looking at my phone.

I needed a distraction so I called my friend, Ben. He was a video game designer I had met one night when we were all waiting for a table at a local restaurant. He had been taking his daughter, Stephanie, out for dinner. The three of us immediately became friends. Sometimes we went to the park together or to music festivals. I asked Ben if he wanted to have dinner with me at the Coco Café. He was glad that I had called and immediately agreed.

I put on a blue sundress that matched my eyes and pulled my long red hair into a loose top knot. I let some ringlets fall around my bare shoulders. I picked up the Tiffany watch Evan had bought for me. I slipped it on, took it off, and then put it back on. It was a reminder of him but it was only a watch. It wasn't going to summon him.

Ben rang my apartment number and I buzzed him in. I met him at my door and for the first time, invited him in for a glass of wine before dinner. I needed to erase Evan from this place and replace him with someone harmless to me. In any case, the Chateau Ste. Michelle from earlier in the week had inspired me to buy a few bottles of wine. I had chilled a bottle and couldn't wait to share my treasure with someone.

Ben had a little crush on me but he was nothing more than a good friend. I knew he wanted more but I didn't feel the same way. I had found nothing wrong with Ben but felt no attraction to him. We remained friends even so.

We drank our wine and listened to Nat King Cole together. The late afternoon light poured through my bare windows. The emptiness in my chest remained despite the wine and company. I knew Ben could tell something was wrong but I denied it when he asked me. I didn't want to answer questions so I suggested we walk over to the restaurant.

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Evan stared down at Paige in the pale light of the early morning. He didn't want to leave her but he had surgery that morning and he would have to change clothes before going to work. He wrote her a quick note and kissed her before he left. He hoped that she would stop being afraid of loving him.

He could feel her love for him that night. It seemed to radiate from her and she glowed under his touch. Even in her sleep, she had fit into his body like a piece of a puzzle that had been missing until that moment. Her round bottom curved against him and her hair flowed over her pillow in a river of red silk. He knew she was still keeping her walls up but they were cracking.

She didn't call him that day. He finished work too late to come to the club to see her. He thought of coming to her apartment but decided to give her some space to think. He felt empty, restless, and terrified that she would run away from him but he had to let her decide for herself.

The next day went by and she still hadn't called or paged him. Allowing Paige to decide by herself was not going to work. She was pushing him away and he knew that awful fear that haunted her was pulling her away from him. He couldn't let it win even if he had to sit on her doorstep every day.

He left after his rounds late that afternoon and drove to her apartment. He stood in the small courtyard outside. He could hear music coming from her window and knew she was sitting in it to smoke a cigarette. He caught a tiny hint of her perfume. She was listening to Nat King Cole sing "Unforgettable." He could feel her heavy heart in his own. She missed him.

He heard a man's voice and her laughter drift down to him. There was a man in her apartment. He heard him teasing her about owning more books than she did furniture. He had never been there before that day.

A voice pulled him from his eavesdropping. "Dr. Grant?"

He glanced over to see one of his patients, Clark Shelton, smiling at him curiously. Evan extended his hand. "Clark! Please call me Evan. You're looking great! How are the peepers doing?"

Gratitude spread across Clark's face as he answered, "They are wonderful. Thank you so much for everything. What are you doing here?"

Evan hesitated for a moment. He was embarrassed for getting caught mooning over a girl. Perhaps if Clark knew the girl, he might understand. He decided to tell him the truth. "I am waiting for a girl to come down. She hasn't called me. I'm afraid I might have said something wrong. I'm hoping she'll come downstairs and I can apologize or do something to make it right."

Clark smiled. "I own this building. Which of my tenants have brought you to such a love-stricken state?"

Evan was surprised to hear that Clark owned this building, but he did say that he owned apartments around town. He admitted, "Paige Spencer. I am in love with her."

Clark regarded Evan with surprise and then sympathy. "Paige is dear to me. I understand why you love her. She's a private woman, though. How do you even know where she lives? She never has people here, except her sister, Sarah."

Clark had confirmed what he had suspected all along. Somehow, Evan knew he could tell Clark anything. This man had loved a woman as deeply as he loved Paige. He said without a hint of embarrassment, "I spent the night with her, but she refuses to call me. I could swear she feels the same way I do, but I have the feeling that it terrifies her. I don't know what happened to her that makes her so frightened but I have to fight for her. I will wait here forever if I have to."

Clark heard the music from her apartment and said, "I don't know how you got past Paige's defenses but you did. She's playing Nat King Cole."

Evan was puzzled and queried, "I'm sorry?"

Clark grinned. "She's playing Nat King Cole today. She plays him when her heart is too heavy for her to lift it on her own. Something has made her heart heavy today. I have a feeling it's you. Come on, I'll let you into the building. I have a spare key you can have in case she leaves you standing in the rain and most likely, she will."