Her thoughts

4.

Do I lack emotion or am I just unable to express myself?

Well, maybe I’m both. I don’t understand the concept of emotions therefore I don’t know how to express said emotions. Well, actually I understand but I don’t. I understand why other people would have a certain emotion towards a certain situation. But my way of thinking makes me question why they feel that way. I personally could say I feel angry or frustrated because a person isn’t understanding what I’m saying, but to be honest, why do I feel angry or frustrated? Is feeling these emotions going to all of a sudden make them understand? Is expressing myself physically or verbally going to make them know what I am saying? Are they going to all of a sudden follow my terrible explanation and know every single thing I’m saying? From what I’ve seen it won’t. If anything it’d just make the other person want to walk away or match my level of anger or frustration. Which will inevitably result in me wanting to murder them. I won’t follow through with it because that’d take a lot of effort that I am not trying to use. But do you get what I’m saying? I understand why a certain emotion is aimed toward a certain situation but why? Why feel that way if it won’t change anything? Is feeling a certain emotion all of a sudden going to make everything go your way? Is it going to all of a sudden make people feel sad for you enough to want to help you? And if it does, then are they really trying to help, or are they just trying to make themselves look better? From what I’ve experienced the only reason a person would try to help another person would be for their own benefit. Whether that’s emotionally or socially. 

Fun fact, I’ve actually tried expressing myself through my face and body language. For example, there was one time where I felt a little happy, so I showed a somewhat genuine smile and my sister literally said I look creepy when I smile. Like what? That made me question every expression I’ve shown on my face. Another example is, someone I know was upset about something that happened and they literally said, “I need a hug” so I gave them one. Even though I get uncomfortable when I touch someone or when someone touches me. And guess what they did. They literally pushed me away and gave me a grossed-out look. Then proceeded to go to a mutual friend and say I did something bad to them. Like what? You said you needed a hug so I gave you one. Another example is, I was in a rare mood where I felt like I wanted physical contact. I felt like I wanted a hug or some cuddles. So I went to my grandma, who literally raised me, and I sat with her. Even her company was fine with me. Just her sitting with me would suffice. She was watching something, little fun fact I like some old tv shows - like the ones that have somewhat terrible quality or some that are black and white, moving on, she was watching something that I also enjoyed watching so I made a comment when an ad came on and she literally said I was annoying and to go do something else. I kid you not, 5 minutes later she called me and asked me to do something for her, obviously, I did, then proceeded to say I never do anything she asks. Like did you lose your memory? Last I checked I was the one that literally did everything you asked. If I was doing something I’d stop and do what you wanted. Whether it was cleaning or making something. But all of a sudden I never do anything. Another example is when I was in another rare mood where I was relaxed. Or more accurately tired. I was too tired to put up my guard so I was myself. A little side note, growing up I didn’t have the chance to be a kid. I was quite literally forced to become mature. Throughout my younger years, I was often left at home alone so I had to fend for myself. When my mom was home she got mad at the smallest things and blamed me. Even if something was her fault she always somehow made it seem like it was my fault, so I was the one who got hit or yelled at. And back then I was a sensitive kid, so the smallest hint that someone was going to yell at me I would immediately tear up. The people I grew up around would always demand that I stop crying, which in case you didn’t know was like asking the impossible from a 3-5-year-old kid. When I didn’t they’d proceed to hit me, saying it was my fault. Moving on, with my guard down I was being myself. As I said, I didn’t have the chance to be a kid so although I am mature in how I act and think there are times where I’d act like a little kid. This was one of those times. I was being myself and basically being a kid. But then my younger siblings called me weird, stupid, they mocked me and made it seem like I couldn’t do anything. Like thanks for reminding me that I can’t be myself. So immediately I sobered up and treated them like strangers. Yes, it’s terrible that I do this, but they don’t know me and I can’t possibly say I know them. I don’t. I used to know how they were when they were younger, yes, but people tend to change as they get older. And they are older. It breaks my heart that they don’t know me as siblings should know each other but that’s my fault. I chose to push them away because they chose to try to put me down at every opportunity they could. I don’t because as I’ve said I was forced to become mature so I realized my words can have an impact on them. I’ve seen and experienced what simple words could do to a person.

So I stopped. I stopped myself whenever I caught myself about to smile, I stopped myself whenever I felt like I wanted a hug or just someone else’s company. I closed myself off. I refused to say what I wanted for fear of being judged or put down. I refused to open up. 

To this day everyone “in my life” knows how I am, what I like, what I don’t like. But they’re all wrong. How are you going to know me when you’re not around me? 

I come off as mean, rude, or lazy. But the truth is I do everything I need to do at a quick pace because I enjoy my free time. I have homework? Whatever free time I have at school is used to complete said homework. I have chores? Let me put some music on and I’ll be done 10-20 minutes, correctly might I add. I need to buy something? I get a ride and buy it right away. I need to eat? I make something for myself that’s quick. I don’t waste time because I enjoy my free time. I enjoy the time I have to read. I enjoy the time I have to catch up on my favorite shows. I enjoy the time I have to just relax and focus on what I could do to make changes in myself that I feel need to be changed. I feel I need to work on ways that could help with how scared I get when I need to be around people. But when I say that all of a sudden I’m weird. What do you mean? I literally told everyone that I live with that when I need to talk to someone or someone talks to me I get scared. My heart starts to pound, my hands start to shake, my mind goes blank, my body gets numb, I get dizzy, and everything starts to change color. What is there to not understand when I say these exact words. I’m weird? Because being around people freaks me out? Cool, you don’t feel this way, as a matter of fact, I’m jealous you don’t. I can confidently admit my flaws. Because I don’t care, I mean I do but I don’t. At first, I will care about how someone thinks or sees me but a couple of seconds later I will forget. As funny as it may seem, it’s the little things that get forgotten.

Like literally me, my sister, and my grandma had to do laundry the other day and they told me to get the soap. What soap? You expect me to know what soap you’re talking about when literally 1 minute ago I told you I have no idea what soap we are supposed to use. They said read the label. What do you think I did? None of the bottles say what they’re used for. And just when I start to remember what each soap is for they get a new brand. The audacity to change the brand when I was just starting to remember what picture on the bottle is used for what soap. You can give me something hard to comprehend and test me and I will ace the test but give me something simple like laundry and I will look at you as if you just discovered something never discovered before. Then my grandma has the audacity to say I’d never make a good wife. Like okay? If these were the old days where a good wife was meant to be at home and do home chores on top of watching the kids then yes. I would be a terrible wife. But these are not those times. We have google. I can look it up or ask someone who does know what soap to use. Who knows I may meet someone in the very very very distant future who does know how to do laundry and we can do it together or he can do it himself while I do something else. There is a thing called splitting responsibilities or working on said responsibilities together. 

-MyThoughts–