HIS TRUE SELF (DO YOU STILL TRUST ME?)

chapter 7

You expected him to say something. Not even a sorry, but at least to yell at you or something. Or to take the gun next to him and to point it at you. To end things.

But nothing like that happened. He just sat there, on the giant bed with his black clothing on and looked at you.

His gaze was heartbreaking. You couldn't see anything of him being "pissed of" or mad or something.

Which eventually made you extremely scared. To be honest, you would have liked it more if he would've just yelled at you. But looking at you with such an undefinable sad and heartbroken look in his eyes with a gun next to him made you fear for your life.

But what were you supposed to do?

He turned back around and looked out of the window while letting you stand silently in the room.

Perfect, you thought, now I'll have to take things in my own hand.

But how?

If he wanted to continue to act like this it would get hard. You didn't know if he was pissed- what everyone said but what he did not looked like-, or if he was sad maybe he was drowning in guilt, maybe he was mad at

Seungmin and the gang?

For god's sake, how am I supposed to take action if I don't know what's going on in his mind?!, you cursed mentally and looked at him. Still staring out of the window without making a sound. Eyes still hurtful, face still empty.

Your thoughts were indeed right, if he would be mad at you and you would yell at him it would probably escalate- which you did not want to happen with a gun next to him. Same went for you yelling at him if he would be sad. Or you attacking him with emotional words if he would be mad and thinking all this would be your fault.

Nearly sighing loudly because you had absolutely no idea what to do, you again thought of the little amount of actions you had....

and eventually came to the conclusion that the last one would be the best.

Just tell him that you're shocked but don't want to leave him. But just. Don't. Yell

You took a last deep breath before you started to walk up to the bed. Your knees were shaking so much that you nearly had to grab the wall to keep your balance, your heartbeat so fast as if you had just ran a marathon.

"I... you should know that I'm not afraid of you or something. Yes am shocked by what just found out and yes my life changed completely in the last 24 hours but I want you to know that we'll get through this together ok? I'll be on your side. Cause... I still love you, you know..."

You breathed out. It felt like you just told him everything that was making your heart ache. And now that you told him it got better.

Which changed when you suddenly heard something.

A laugh.

He looked at you. And yes- it was indeed like you imagined, finally locking eyes with him sitting this close was supposed to make you feel like a rush of emotions washing over you. Probably something like sadness or guilt-like his eyes mirrored earlier.

But it was different. There was no "rush of emotions", only a single one.

Fear.

And it was because of the look in his eyes. Not a hint of the sadness from a few minutes ago. No, that in his eyes was pure craziness. Him laughing while looking at you like this made you feel like you were in a psycho movie.

"Do you even listen to yourself? To the s**t you're saying?", he asked.

You were shocked. What the heck was going on? Why would he say such hurtful things?!

"I'm killing people. lied to you the whole f*****g time. Stayed away all nights long, making you probably thing I'd cheat on you. Then came home injured from beating people up till they were on the floor unconsciously. You found out Felix and me lied to you all the time, hiding out real sides from you and now you're standing here and really want to tell me that you'll be on my side? That you love me?", he raised his voice a bit while he stood up, now standing right in front of you while looking down at you.

If he would've said this in every other situation you probably would've grabbed the gun and hit his head with it so hard that he would come back to his senses

and would get the pain he deserved.

But this time you knew what he was trying to do. It made sense now. Him being pissed off, then sad and broken, and now acting like this.

He knew what was about to happen if you would find out who he really was. He got pissed since Felix got caught with you. Then he was sad because he knew what decision he would've to make. To either involve you or kill you. And then he felt empty. He knew that the gang business would be too dangerous for you. And killing his own girlfriend? That was exactly what messed up his mind. And now the craziness.

His intention was that you should hate him. Probably because it would be easier for him. He hated himself for what he would have to do so he wanted you to hate him too.

Nice plan but that is not going to happen, you thought.

It was no question that his mental state was messed up and dangerous. But a plan formed in your head.

You knew that this action could eventually made you pay with your life but there wasn't anything else you could do.

It somehow felt right to you... and maybe the only way to get him back to his mind.

And so on, you stood up and grabbed the collar of his black shirt and... kissed him.

Hyunjin tensed up immediately and you could feel his hands on you with the intention to push you away. But that was not going to happen.

You pressed your body on his and tried to deepen thekiss to make him respond to it. It took a few seconds where you were able to feel his hands shake but

suddenly he kissed you back.

Before he parted your lips and rested his forehead on yours.

"Believe me when I'm telling you that want this more than anything else but... I can't do this. I don't want you to get involved in this all"

His voice sounded so painful that you nearly teared up.

His grip on your body tightened.

But instead you grabbed his neck and kissed him again. And this time you tried to transfer all your emotions into the kiss.

Which he indeed felt. His arms wrapped around your waist and your back to hold you close to his body. The intention clearly to not let you go anywhere.

"Are you really sure about this?", he asked as he pulled away to catch his breath.

At this point he knew that if it would be useless to fight about it with you. Not only were you stubborn but he also would've to kill you if you weren't ready to come with him.

You nodded.

He looked into your eyes intensely, trying to search for a hint of you being unsure.

But there was none. You were confident. In yourself and also in him.

"I trust you", you told him.

His face was not really happy but he sighed and let go of you.

"Then get ready", he said.

"Time to meet Chan"