Loving You Was the Risk

Shoes That Aren't my Own

Benjamin POV

I end the call and let the phone fall onto the passenger seat.

Damn Austin.

I love the guy like a brother, but he has always had this way of convincing me to do things I have no intention of doing. Helping him with his studio sounds harmless enough, and honestly I want to help him, but I am still getting used to a life outside the military. Being home feels strange, like wearing shoes that fit but do not feel like mine yet.

Five years ago I got my first orders as an airman. Minot, North Dakota. Cold does not even begin to cover it. Cold like it seeps into your bones and refuses to leave. Cold like you lie awake at night thinking too much because there is nothing else to do. I was stuck in my own head for way too long. The deployments helped in a twisted way. Nine months in Qatar and then the last one.

Afghanistan.

That place will stay with me forever.

I do not talk about it much. The guys I deployed with became family fast. Asher and Elijah went through hell with me and came out the other side. Six months does not sound long to people who have never been there, but it is long enough to mess with your head. Long enough to change you.

At least I do not have to bathe with baby wipes anymore. My first real shower when I got home was something I will never forget. Better than s*x. Well not quite that good, but damn close.

Speaking of s*x, it has been a while. Maybe I could go for a hot distraction, something easy and meaningless. Unfortunately, that doesn't appeal to me as much anymore. What the hell happened....That kind of thing used to work every time. Now it just feels old. I am too young to feel this tired.

Maybe I should take Austin up on his offer and meet him at Sharkey’s Tavern. Beach, music, tourists passing through. No strings. No complications. Except there is one complication I cannot ignore.

His sister.

Amy.

Ames.

Just thinking her name tightens something in my chest I do not want to deal with.

Austin is still living in Cocoa Beach and just bought his first condo. Damn, I'm so proud of him. We talk as much as we can. A friendship that lasts miles apart and now close together again. From what he said she is there too. That alone makes me hesitate. I have the time. I have the money. What I do not have is the emotional clearance to walk straight into that situation.

I still remember the first time I saw her.

Fourth grade. Skinny little thing with too big glasses and braces that made her smile awkward and hesitant. She was the cutest kid I had ever seen. I messed with her constantly because she was so damn cute when she got mad. Red cheeks, fists clenched, trying to be brave. It was addictive.

Austin and I were already inseparable by then. We met the day he was playing baseball in an empty lot behind our subdivision. I walked over, said something smart, and that was it. Best friends. We were about to go play video games at my house, but a tiny voice stopped us.

Amy

She came running out crying because she did not want him to leave. She wanted him home with her.

Even then she was a handful. Loud feelings in a small body.

And still, I liked her immediately.

Their foster parents were good people. The kind that made you feel safe just being in the same room. For a while things felt normal. They went to the same school as me. No matter how much I teased Amy, she followed us around. Always a step behind. Always afraid of being left.

She carried that little brown teddy bear everywhere. It was ugly and old and missing an eye. About six inches tall and filthy beyond saving. No one was allowed to touch it. I used to tell her she was too big for a teddy bear. She would glare at me like she wanted to murder me in my sleep.

It took me longer than it should have to realize that bear was the only constant she had. Besides her brother.

I was done for after that.

She must have been seven. I was ten. Way too young to feel that protective. Way too young to understand it.

Not long after that, everything fell apart again.

Their foster parents got old faster than anyone expected. Bodies giving out before hearts ever did. The day came when they could no longer care for two kids who were growing fast and asking bigger questions. It was not a choice. It was necessity. But for kids who had already been abandoned once, it felt exactly the same.

They had to sell the house.

Watching that family break apart shattered something in Amy. Those foster parents were the kindest people alive. They showed Amy and Austin what love was, and maybe worse, they showed them how much it hurt to lose it. They moved into a care facility, and with them went the only real sense of home those kids had ever known.

There was another foster home in the same area with an opening. Same school. Same neighborhood. On paper, it was supposed to be easier.

It was not.

That house felt different. Cold. Transactional. More paycheck than family. The new foster parents were terrified of losing the monthly stipend from the state, so they controlled everything. Amy and Austin were not allowed to do much of anything. No friends over. No wandering. No normal kid stuff. They were afraid the state would take the kids away and with them, the money.

Their foster siblings were even worse. They were always stealing Amy's things. She hated it. I even stepped in once even though I probably shouldn't have.

Amy changed. She recoiled into herself. Talked less. Trusted no one. Losing their original foster parents broke something inside her that never fully healed.

Eventually, Austin was old enough to leave the house on his own, and the rules loosened for him. Amy was a different story. They did not like her. Or at least it felt that way. She was too loud. Too opinionated. Too much. So she learned how to be quiet.

Even through all of that, she kept her sass. Buried deep, sharp and ready, only coming out when she needed it.

High school also changed things. Austin and I played football. Amy stayed tucked into corners with her books. Studying. Reading. Watching. I still teased her but I pulled back when I realized how deep it had gone for me. That spicy little sweetheart was clawing her way into my heart and I knew better.

Austin would kill me. My parents would ship me off somewhere far and permanent. I stayed away. Watched from a distance. Learned about her through Austin. She was his world.

Even with glasses and braces she was beautiful. She never saw it. Girls were cruel. Boys were warned off early. If anyone stepped out of line, Austin or I handled it.

She was protected.

And still so alone.

I faded out of her life slowly. Not completely. I was always watching. Always listening. Always stepping in when needed and stepping back before it mattered too much. Even after I entered the military, I still made time to check in with Austin and ask about Amy. And then there was that one time. I was on leave and she needed someone. Austin was clueless, but I made sure to be there for her when she needed someone. These memories come rushing back to me every time I think about her. Moments I shove back down for my own sanity.

I cannot touch her. Not then. Not now.

And yet the thought of seeing her again makes me feel like a damn teenager.

I have been out of the Air Force for a year now. Things are good on paper. My parents have been supportive in that quiet way they do best. Live your life. Figure it out. At first I did not want anything to do with my dad’s business, but the older I get, the more I see what an opportunity it really is.

Enlisting changed me. It stripped me down and rebuilt me. Being late was not an option. Screwing up had consequences. Negative degree mornings on the flight line taught me discipline real fast. It sucked, but it made me an adult.

It also showed me everything I almost threw away.

Friendships. Family. Her.

My parents still live near Cocoa Beach. Quiet. Simple. More land than house. A dock and a boat they worked their whole lives for. My dad has more money than he ever imagined, and soon I will know exactly how much once I am fully in the business. I am finishing my contractor certification in Florida. Just a couple months left.

I've been living in Orlando trying to get used to a different normal. It's close enough and I see them often. I love their house. It is peaceful until my sister storms in with her dramatics. She goes to UCF. Teaching degree. Loud. Emotional. A pest. A good one.

I look at my loaded truck and take a breath.

Home.

I do not know what that means anymore.

It's time to go back and build the next chapter in my life. I know I will see her. I know I am not ready. She is my greatest regret and the one thing I never allowed myself to want.

I turn the key in my 2020 Ford and pull onto the road.

Whatever this is, it is starting now.