Shades of Trust

Chapter 7-2

Alistair’s tone was so serious that Sophia peeked at his face. It was drawn taut. She thought about questioning his statement about the threesomes, but let it go. It would do no good. The main issue was not his s****l preferences, but her sins. She had thought this over and had talked with Dr. Kent, her brother, and Edward. She was also the one in the wrong.

Alistair was discomfited by having to explain his ways.

He was aggravated by her resistance.

He was turned on by her presence, her soft skin under his fingers, her sweet smell invading his bloodstream.

“I like my women sated and pleased. Rather, my woman. You.” He squeezed her hand. “I did some things I’m not proud of, but it was like…snorting cocaine. Difficult to stop and it left you always needing more. Unfortunately, Heather was there to offer it to me. I was young, Sophia.” He raked his hand through his hair and Sophia’s hand itched to do the same. “Nae. Young is not the correct adjective. I was an inexperienced, arrogant i***t. If I had the experience I have now, I would have never fallen for Heather. I would never have started a relationship so wretched that it scarred my soul. And then I carried on, because I needed to let out my deep anger. Against myself, and against the women that were so eager to please me. Not anymore.”

“Are you trying to tell me that you don’t like those things anymore?” she whispered, watching his face attentively.

“Aye. And much more, if you are willing to listen. The more I did it, the more I wanted. You were right, it debased me as much as I debased the women I was with. I swear to you that I’m more than satisfied with my s****l life with you. If you say you don’t want to be blindfolded or tied anymore, I won’t do it. I don’t need it to feel pleasure with you, my love. I don’t like labels, but let me give names here. b**m. The acronym comes from six terms.” He raised four fingers, spread apart, and joined them in pairs, “Bondage and discipline, the BD, dominance and submission, the DS, and sadism and masochism, the SM. It’s a…type of role-play, or lifestyle choice, like Heather’s and mine,” he shrugged sheepishly. “We—she used her painful experiences and my power over her to create, uh, s****l tension, pleasure, and release. However, just like with anything else, too much of a thing…it started to scratch me raw. It had a detrimental effect. Because she wanted more and more. More pain. More s*x. More partners. Less limits. She was addicted and I became addicted too.”

“But…” She frowned and looked at him. “Addiction is characterized by an impairment in behavioral control. It’s a deep craving. Something that takes away your ability to resist what you are addicted to. And it diminishes your capacity to recognize significant problems affecting one’s behavior and relationships.”

“You’ve just described the Alistair Connor before Sophia.”

“BSDM is—” Alistair opened his mouth to correct her but she waved it away. “Whatever. It’s considered a deviant s*x practice and grounds for a s****l disorder diagnosis. It’s a crime.”

He raised his brows at her fierce accusation. “I think this is largely cultural. b**m is certainly not everyone’s cup of tea, but I think it is unnecessarily vilified and made to seem more pathological than it really is.”

“Are you telling me it’s acceptable? Oh, for God’s sake, Alistair Connor!”

He tilted his head to the side for a moment, looking for words. “Listen, before you give me your opinion. b**m s*x is unapologetic s*x concerned with generating intense sensual experiences; it is s*x for pleasure—”

“You have a strange definition of what is pleasurable,” she sneered.

Right. His lips quirked up for a split second.

“I’m a lawyer with experience in this field. You’re not going to convince me. The problem with this kind of s*x is that the participants keep pushing the limits, they need stronger emotions after each step taken.”

You’re not so wrong. He looked away from her face. “It isn’t like this for everyone. You’re generalizing.”

“I had a case—”

“Sophia. I can bet that in this case, the guy was an abuser. He was probably a pseudo-dominant who was using his power over his submissive to mask an abusive relationship.”

“So, you are—”

He put a finger on her lips. “There is a considerable distinction between a dominant and an abuser. However in my case…you are right. It was an addiction. Heather couldn’t stop thinking about b**m s*x. And, to tell you the truth, when I tried to cut it back, when I tried to stop…I couldn’t. It was just as powerful and destructive as any other addiction.”

She was silent, waiting for the outburst she felt was coming.

“I started to be secretive about my relationship with her. There wasn’t intimacy, communication, or trust between us anymore. I lost my friends and our relationship started to become troubled. I tried to justify my actions and when I couldn’t, I…abandoned myself. I lost touch with reality. I ignored my feelings.” His lips thinned and then the corners came down. “I felt guilty because she was always complaining that she felt rejected, that I wasn’t the same, or so she told me. She started to lie and keep secrets from me. When I discovered she’d cheated on me, I felt ashamed and a failure. She…”

“She abused you,” Sophia stated. “It was a relationship marked by abuse.”

“Aye. She did. But normally, these relationships are not always about whips and pain. Without the pathological side, b**m is something much more delicate and sexually sublime. You just have to tell me. You are more important to me than anything.”

I can’t falter. Just a few more days. She didn’t answer, turning her profile to him.

Fuck! Don’t do this to me, Sophia. I can’t live without you. “Look at me, Sophia.” She didn’t turn her head. He curled his fingers under her chin. “Please.”

Slowly, ever so slowly, she looked at him. “Don’t push me. We have unresolved issues and…” So many things we’ve never talked about. “I don’t really mind gentle slaps or some bondage, however…I believe s*x should never involve pain or humiliation of the partner. That’s abuse.”

He closed his eyes for a brief moment and whispered, “I agree.”

“I’ve researched and—”

“Sophia, I know you can’t really understand what I had with Heather. You can’t understand what losing Nathalie…in that horrendous way, did to me. I can tell you that it screwed with the little good that was left inside me. I became an abuser too. And I almost crossed the line with you too. I guess that Heather was the worst partner to be in this kind of relationship with.” He sighed. “I tried to push you away when I realized that I was falling for you. I was afraid of loving again. Afraid that you might not return my strong feelings. I can’t live without you. I thought that I could walk away, but I can’t. I tried to convince myself that you’d be better off if I weren’t a part of your life. But I can’t be so altruistic.”

She didn’t know how to respond, but her cold resolution melted at the obvious pain in his voice and the sincere look he gave her. His ready admittance that he had flaws, softened her resolve to say no.

“I want our relationship to be based on desire, pleasure, and exultation. I don’t want it tarnished by disgust, guilt, or torment. I have thought a lot. I’m sure it can be sensuous and enjoyable without the things you don’t like. I—you know that I’m an alpha. It’s just my personality. I need the control. I need to be in charge.”

Sophia was startled by his honesty. Warily, she said, “That’s what I’m saying. I cannot abide—”

He put a finger on her lips. “You’re not listening. I’m not talking about s*x, about b**m. Let’s forget about this label and let me put it in other words. There is one thing I can’t change about myself. I’m a leader. In every way. This is all about attitude.” He smiled down at her, pleading with his eyes. “Can you accept me as I am? A domineering caveman?”

I can and I do. Give me a few days, and I will say yes! I just can’t answer you right now. I don’t want you to know. She looked down, avoiding answering him.

“Mo chridhe?”

How can I resist his charm? A small smile graced her lips and some of her sadness seeped away. She breathed more freely and his scent hit her fully. Sweet Vanille and hot Alistair Connor. The perfect combination.

She missed him. A lot.

“Answer me, Sophia. Can you accept me as I am? Do you love me?” Oh, Christ! What did I do to deserve this stubborn wee lass? He almost smiled because it was written all over her face that she loved him. He raised his head and the hunger that flared in his eyes made heat pool in her belly.

I can’t, Alistair Connor, don’t push me. “I’m not the right woman for you.” Well, I am. But I need a few days.

“I think I should be the judge of that.” His thumb began to stroke the column of her neck and his gaze went to her mouth.

His heart stopped as he waited for her answer.

I do. She couldn’t confess. She was too frightened of what would happen if she did. “I’m sorry, Alistair Connor. My answer is still no,” she informed him firmly, finding strength from deep within. “I don’t believe in great changes. You are who you are. I am who I am.” Her head dropped and her hair curtained her face.

All right, Sophia. You have earned a few hours. He contained his impatience. “Sophia, you are an intelligent woman. I’ll email you some links for you to read about healthy, kinky s*x. And I expect you to do your homework.”

“Please, give me some space. Please,” she whispered, barely holding herself together. All she wanted to do was throw herself into his arms and confess that she loved him.

“I will no’ go away, Sophia. I will no’ let you out of my sight. You are mine, do you understand? Mine.” Irritation ran under his smooth tones. He was angry with himself for not being able to convince her. And with her, for not giving in to the feelings that were begging to be freed. “Woman, you would try the patience of a saint.”

“You, as you have told me time and again,” she declared with a sneer, “are no saint, my lord.”

“A point you would do well to bear in mind. I’m no’ so easily discouraged, Sophia. Do you think you are going to dispatch me this easily? You are entirely wrong. I’m staying in the suite at the end of the corridor.”

“I am not dispatch—” Oh, Alistair Connor.

You love me. I can see that. Why are you keeping me at bay? “I will see you at lunch. And you’d better eat. I don’t like a skinny woman.” Alistair had run out of patience. He needed to leave her before he threw her over his shoulder, locked her in his room, and made love to her until she said yes.

Pausing in the middle of the room, he looked over his shoulder. “At least Gabriela missed me.”

When he reached the door, Sophia whispered, “You’re a heartless, ruthless manipulator.”

He looked back over his shoulder again, and smiled triumphantly at her, his forest-green eyes flashing. “I always knew that was one of my finest qualities.”

She had planned to feign coldness and send him away before he could see how much she had missed him.

But Sophia knew she could not; would not.

She could not pretend to be impervious to the love she saw shining in his eyes. She would not.

For reasons only God knows, she had changed something inside him.

And he had changed something inside her too.