Life after Love

Love and Grief

One year later

The early morning sun glistened through the window shades, giving way to the first rays of daylight and the warmth it brings along with it. Fresh dew drops slowly making their way down the window as the birds sing their usual song, letting the world know it’s a brand new day.

I groaned, rolling over, my hand reaching across to James’s side of the bed. The spot where he used to lie, once filled with the warmth his body would bring each morning, was replaced with the cold empty space of un-slept in sheets. 

The realisation started to settle in. 

He wasn’t there.

‘He’s gone’ I told myself. 

The heart ache that followed as my eyes slowly fluttered open, was soul crushing. Silent tears began to resurface as the unbearable, gut wrenching pain seeped through every ounce of my being. I felt like I was suffocating. My cries grew louder as I tried to muffle them into my pillow. Every morning is the same, there is a brief moment where all is forgotten until it isn’t. Some days are easier than most, but the anniversary of James’s death is slowly approaching, which brings up very raw memories from that day along with it. 

I pull myself off the bed and make my way towards our walk-in closet. I pulled out his white t-shirt. I used to love it when he wore this one and he knew it too. I held his shirt up to my nose to breathe in his heavenly scent.

‘It’s starting to fade’, I told to myself. The smell of him brings back memories of being pulled into his brawny arms;

‘Good morning’ James whispered, as his hands made their way down to my ass, cupping them with a squeeze.

‘Good morning’ I giggled, my hands reaching up to his neck to pull him in for a kiss.

“Mum, what’s for breakfast”, Alec called out from my bedroom door, pulling me out of my thoughts. 

I sighed, “I’ll be out in a minute”, I sniffled. 

I hope he didn’t notice the pain in my voice.

I reluctantly place James' shirt back into his draw but not without one last sniff. 

‘Mmm’ I exhaled,. I wonder what I am going to do once the scent completely fades. A sharp twist stabbed me in the chest as I tried to shake that thought from my mind. I will deal with it when that day comes, but right now I need to keep taking one day at a time, I repeated to myself.

I made my way to the bathroom, and I looked at my reflection in the mirror, olive green eyes now hidden behind swollen red eyes showcasing the evidence that I had been crying.

'Dammit' I breathed.

I wash my face vigorously in an attempt to get rid of the evidence without any luck. I brush my teeth and tie my hair up into a high pony tail and make my way back into the closet. I drew a pair of light denim jeans and my favorite loose beige sweater and headed downstairs. I hear the sound of cartoons emanating from the TV below. I stopped as I reached the last step and drew in a deep breath.

'You can do this' I murmured before turning the corner.

I find both Alec and Wyatt both sitting in front of the TV watching their favorite cartoons. Alec turned towards me, his smile dropped as he observed my face. I gave him a quick smile to let me know that I was OK.

"What would you boys like for breakfast on this beautiful morning?" I beamed.

"I want jam toast", Wyatt replied, without taking his eyes off the TV.

"Can I have Coco-Pops" Alec asked, still eyeing me cautiously.

"Coming right up" I responded as I turned and headed towards the kitchen.

I pulled out the ingredients I needed and began preparing breakfast. I looked up and stared out the long rectangle window facing towards the back of our property. The sunlight filtered through the trees as the leaves swayed gently in the cool morning breeze.

It really was a beautiful day.

"Mum?" Alec cautioned

"Could you please take this to the table" I asked, handing him the plate of food.

"Mum" Alec repeated, as he laid the plates out on the table.

"Yes, sweetheart?" I questioned him. Alec looked down at his feet while fiddling with his fingers.

"Mrs Fitz wants us to make a volcano" he mumbled.

I stare at him as he still fumbles his hands around.

"And when do you need this volcano by?" I asked as Alec began rocking back and forth on his heels.

"Friday" he replied softly.

I stared at him, trying to hold back my annoyance. I don't have any supplies in the house, so I will need to make a trip into town.

"Is this project to be completed at home or at school?" I quizzed him.

"At home" he mumbled, looking up at me. He looks so much like his father with those eyes.

"Well then" I paused, " it looks like no TV when you get home after school today" I told him. Why does he always leave things like this to the last minute? I will never understand.

"Yes, Mam" Alec nodded as he sat down to eat his breakfast.

"Wyatt" I called out, "come and eat, or we will be late."

After breakfast, we hurried out of the house and walked towards our car. Alec jumped in, buckling himself in first as I picked Wyatt up and placed him in his car seat.

"I want daddy" Wyatt cried.

Alec's head shot up as I grimaced at Wyatt's sudden outburst. Alec swung his arm, the back of his hand hitting Wyatt's chest with a hard thud as he eyed him coldly.

"Alec!" I gasped, tears streamed down Wyatt's face as he began to cry. Alec turned and stared out the window, the anger visible on his face through the reflection.

"That is not how we treat each other in this house" I warned, "Apologise to Wyatt." I added.

Alec continued to stare angrily out the window. I sighed in defeat and turned towards Wyatt.

"It's OK to miss daddy" I confessed, "I miss him too."

I wiped Wyatt's tears away as I planted a soft kiss on his little forehead before I closed the car door.