Who You Are

eight | do your worst

"Fall" hit less than a week after the bonfire. And though the air is crisper, it still holds a bit of warmth. Kade and I have fallen into that warmth in a comfortable friendship. We walk to classes together, and sit by each other at lunch. I laugh and smile a little easier with him, and I enjoy his presence more and more each day.

School spirit hits the Monday after the bonfire, all in preparation for the first Friday night football game of the season. I've never been to a game before, and I'm nervous and excited all at the same time. Alongside the first football game, is the first pep rally of the season. Ninety percent of the students and faculty are embezzled in the traditional Cruz High colors of red and white. The players wear their jerseys, the cheerleaders wear their uniforms, and I'm wearing a long sleeve teal t-shirt and dark skinny jeans. I'm completely out of my element and I stick out like a sore thumb.

Molly and Grace stand at their lockers laughing, both in their uniforms. Their hair is up in tight ponytails and their makeup is immaculately done. Like usual. Molly sees me out of the corner of her eye and calls my name. I blush from the attention it brings.

"Hey girl, where's your red and white?" Molly asks, clutching her math textbook to her chest as she leans against her locker.

"I-uh-I didn't, I didn't know we were suppose to wear red or white," I stutter quietly. I look down, embarrassed by the stutter and being the odd ball out.

Grace see's my struggle and puts a hand on my arm. I flinch slightly before looking into her eyes. "It's alright, I might have something you could borrow in my locker. Let's walk over there and look." We walk to her locker in silence, my eyes still glued to the ground. As we round the corner, we catch sight of the guys. They lean against the lockers across from Grace's, which I'm guessing is Travis'. I don't make eye contact. I'm disappointed in myself for not getting the memo, and I don't want to see the look on Kade's face when he sees that I didn't either.

"Hey Firefly," Kade calls from across the way. I blush, but keep my gaze pasted to the floor. Molly chuckles and mumbles 'firefly' underneath her breath. I vaguely wonder what she's referring to, then realize that Kade is really the only one that calls me that, aside from Greta. My heart warms at the idea that Kade has his own nickname for me. "Where's your school spirit?"

I look up to see him standing in front of me. He's sporting his jersey with the number eight on the front and his signature dark blue jeans and motorcycle boots. "I didn't realize we were suppose to wear anything special." I reply softly, looking away briefly.

I hear shuffling from him and the rustling of his clothes as he takes off his jersey, revealing a tight fitting white t-shirt. He hands his jersey to me with a giant grin. "Wear this," he says. I look at him with wide eyes, then look to the girls. Only to see equally wide eyes. Peter stands to the side with raised eyebrows, and Travis sends me a smirk.

"I-I, won't you need it?" I reply.

He shakes his head. "No, these aren't our actual jersey's."

He shakes the shirt at me again, and I grab it with hesitant fingers. "Th-thanks," I answer, blushing furiously. The whole hallway is looking at our exchange, some of them are even whispering to themselves.

"No problem," he replies, sheepishly. He scratches the back of his head, looking away as his ears turn as red as my cheeks. We sit in an awkward silence until Molly clears her throat.

"Okay, I think we need to take you to change. We'll see you boys in a bit, save us a seat in class." she says. I smile at Kade softly before muttering a thanks again and follow behind her as she parts her way through the crowd. We make it to the bathroom, where I enter a stall and take off the long sleeve I'm wearing. The jersey covers to almost mid thigh, and the sleeves dwarf my arms to the ditch. It hangs loosely, but I can't even bring myself to care. It smells like him. So much so that I bring it to my nose and inhale it.

"Are you sniffing it?" Grace asks from the other side of the stall door. I jump, hitting my elbow on said door and gasping.

"N-n-no," I answer. They both burst out in laughter, and I can feel my face instantly set aflame.

"Sure you're not," Molly replies. They continue to laugh as I make my way out. I don't look them in the eye. This makes them laugh even harder. Eventually the bathroom door opens and new bodies emerge.

"What are you dweebs laughing at?" one of them says. I look up to see the intruders. Dahlia and her minions. She looks back at me and gasps, covering her mouth and glaring. "WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?!" she shrieks.

I cringe, backing away from her.

"Take that off right now. You have no right to wear it," she yells.

"Excuse me?" Molly says, stepping forward. "Who the hell are you to tell her what to do?"

"That jersey belongs on me!"

"Bullshit. Kade gave it to her and only her. It's time you got off your high horse and realized that he doesn't want you. Nobody wants you," she replies. Grace steps beside her, glaring at her with hatred. Not a second later, she pulls me behind her as well. Shielding me from the daggers that release from her eye socket.

"I swear to God Molly, if she doesn't take that jersey off and give it to me right now I will ruin all of you!" she shrieks some more.

"Do your worst," she answers. I whimper behind them as they all engage in a fierce standoff. Molly with her arms crossed and smirk ridden face, Grace with her eyebrows raised and head c****d. And Dahlia, clenching her fists and turning a vibrant shade of red. The silent stare down lasts several minutes before the bell rings and Dahlia stomps her feet. I look away from her as she powers through the bathroom door and leaves us on our own.

"She's positively awful," Grace says.

I look up at them, feeling like the cause of unnecessary drama. "I can just take it off?" I ask.

They both scoff, waving their hands dismissively. "No, don't do that. She's gotta get the hint at some point," Molly says.

"Besides, I've known Kade my whole life and he's never let anyone wear his jersey." Grace pipes in, giving me a wink as she does. My eyes startle wider, and my cheeks blush brighter. The bell rings shortly after, and we're stumbling through the mass of school pride. I'm finally fumbling through the door to first period, tripping as I cross the threshold. Strong arms circle my waist.

"Is this going to become a regular thing?" a strong voice says, amused. I look into Kade's deep grey eyes and shutter from the contact. He smiles widely, arms still circling me. I blush profusely, looking away. I notice the dozens of eyes that linger on us, faces peaked in interest. I clear my throat and clear his arms, smiling a small smile.

"Thanks for the save," I reply.

"Anytime," he replies. He walks backwards toward his seat, eyes traveling my body as he does. "It looks better on you."

I stand and gape like a fish out of water, unsure of what to do next. Grace waves a hand from across the room, it gets my attention instantly and I walk towards her, tracing Kade's steps. Mr. Sheffield enters shortly after I settle into my desk and starts jotting assignments on the board.

"Alright class, we're going to be starting our first set of group projects. I want groups of five, and then one person from that group needs to come up and pick a topic out of a jar and do a project on it. Doesn't matter what it is, could be a movie, slide show, a live action play. I really don't care, but everyone must participate. It's worth 25% of your final grade."

The whole class groans. Chloe, Grace and Kade all huddle around me in a circle. Blatantly claiming the majority of our group. I look around as everyone moves and sits in different areas of the classroom. And I wonder who we're going to have as our fifth person.

"Lucas," Kade says loudly. "Come be in our group, bud."

A guy I'm assuming is Lucas, looks up from his desk. I've noticed him a few times. He tends to keep to himself and always has his nose in his textbooks. He looks at Kade in surprise then moves his gaze to take in the rest of us. Once they land on Chloe, they widen even further and he takes a deep gulp.

"Come on Luke, you can be our fifth person." Grace chips in. She smiles triumphantly as he rises from his chair and slowly makes his way towards us.

"Chloe, you know Luke right?" Kade asks. She looks at him sheepishly, before blushing and nodding her head. I look between them. Their eyes dance around each other, not locking too long before looking away and blushing even harder. Grace and Kade both smirk, and I'm left with my eyebrows raised and my mouth shut tight. "Alright Lucas, this is Willow. She's Chloe's cousin."

He looks at me with a small smile. One that I return. "It's nice to meet you," he says. His voice is deeper than I imagined it would be.

"You too," I reply. We all shuffle our desks to surround each other, Kade on my right and Grace on my left. Chloe and Lucas continue their eye dance and Grace and Kade continue to smirk as it happens.

"If everyone has found their groups, could you please send one person to the front to draw a topic from this bowl," Mr. Sheffield says loudly, talking over the chatter. Kade looks at the four of us, before volunteering himself and walking to the bowl the teacher has set on his desk. He grabs a small piece of paper, unfolds it, furrows his brow and walks back to us.

"Well, what's the verdict Captain?" Grace asks, leaning back in her chair.

"Suicide," he replies. He looks at me briefly, an unknown emotion dancing across his face before he looks away. My face pales. I'm not sure if it's from the whole topic, or the feeling I have that he knows.

"Huh," Grace says. "This will be enlightening."

"Suicide is actually a very serious thing," Lucas pipes in. " did you know suicide is the tenth leading cause of death every year? And, on average, there are over 120 suicides per day." The four of us look at him in shock, the confidence behind his statement making me blink. He blushes from the attention, face crimson in embarrassment from his outburst.

"Wow Luke," Chloe pipes. "I had no idea."

"How do you know that?" Kade asks.

Lucas shrugs. "I do a lot of research."

Chloe smiles softly, fiddling with the notebook in front of her. "That's pretty intense. 120 a day?"

He nods, "about 51% are firearm related."

Kade looks at me and Grace. "I think we have the perfect project going."

I don't reply. I just sit and listen as they all talk about the one subject that hits closer than they realize. They'll never know what the one simple word does to me. They'll never know how hard it is to breathe the more in depth they get. They won't notice how my body runs cold, my heart stops beating, and my hands clam up. They're not able to see the memories flash across my vision as I close my eyes and relive every moment.

They have no idea.

They wont notice my struggle.

"You okay?" Kade whispers beside me. I look into his eyes, and I can already tell that I'm wrong.

He noticed. He'll probably always notice.

And I'm not sure what to do about it.

* * * * *

The rest of the day continues in a gloom. First period put me in such a funk that I know I'm not much fun to be around. Nobody really says anything, they just look at me in concern and continue on with their day.

Kade's the only one who sticks by me, and asks if I'm okay. I appreciate the attempt at figuring out what's wrong, and I crave to tell him. I just can't. No yet. And I'm so grateful that he doesn't push. I just smile, nod my head and keep my lips shut tightly.

By the time the pep rally is here, I'm feeling myself dreading it. Thankfully we can leave right afterwards. I stuff my books into my backpack from my locker, then shrug it on and walk the hallway to the gymnasium to find a seat. The amount of people that have crammed into it is overwhelming. I follow behind several students and take in the bleachers, searching for an empty seat. Grace and Molly are standing near the entrance, pom poms shaking as they talk amongst themselves. Grace notices me and smiles and waves in my direction, causing Molly to do the same. I return the favor before turning back to the bleachers. I notice an open spot towards the middle and squeeze between students to get there.

I peak around the gym at all the decorations they've added for this 'special' occasion. Streamers stream from the ceiling. A platform sits in the middle of the floor with six chairs behind a podium, and billboards line up behind it. There are three billboards in total, all standing tall with pictures of people on them. I squint to get a better look. Kade stands proudly in the middle, football gear hugging his body with his helmet tucked under his arm and his beautiful smile across his lips. I smile. I'm not even looking at the real him and my heart gallops a million miles an hour. Travis and Peter sit on either side of him, posing in a similar fashion.

Music blasts over the speakers and the ground starts to rumble from the pounding of feet as the people around me stomp to the rhythm. Voices raise above, below and beside me as they all start to chant. And in the midst of it all, I'm sitting here quietly watching as Chloe stumbles between the knees and backs of the people she's trying to get through to get to me. I didn't notice her until she started to curse as they stomp her toes in their beat.

She sits beside me, huffing as she wipes the hair from her face. "This place is such a mess."

I laugh simply, turning my attention back to the rally going on. The cheerleaders form around the back of the gym, towards the doors that lead outside. The line on each side of it, Grace and Molly holding a giant piece of paper with the words "LET'S GO CARDINALS!" The chanting continues, until eventually the doors burst open and in runs the team. Kade, Travis and Peter run through the paper; tearing it to shreds as the team follow closely behind them.

Everyone stands, yelling as they do. I find myself smiling and laughing alongside Chloe as we both stand and cheer them on as well. They do a couple laps around the podium, helmets in the air as they chant along with everyone. As they round the bend, the three superstars climb the steps and sit in the chairs provided, while the rest of the team takes a knee behind them. The shouting dies down as the principal comes behind the microphone.

"Afternoon everyone," he says. "We're here right now because tonight we enter the field for the first game of the season. These boys behind me have proven over the last several weeks that we are ready. We are ready to annihilate our opponents and bring this school to victory." The crowd erupts in cheer. "They've shown integrity, determination, strength, passion and solid teamwork. They fight for each other. They fight beside each other, and I'm thankful I've witnessed the intense bond they all share."

Chloe looks at me with a roll of her eyes, making me chuckle. "Kiss ass."

"Now, without further a due. I'd like to welcome this years team captain and MVP, quarterback Kade Brinson," Principal Curry says. I clap alongside my fellow peers, anticipating the moment he makes his way from his seat to stand in front of the microphone. Whistles echo across the walls and ceiling as people stomp and chant. Kade smiles a giant smile, and I can tell how excited he is by the glint in his eyes. The eyes he travels around the bleachers before settling on me. Those same eyes brighten even brighter and his smile gets even wider.

"Are you guys ready?" he yells into the microphone. The cheering gets louder. "You guys rock. We wouldn't be here without you. We appreciate everyone of you for all your support and I cannot wait to see where the future takes us."

I watch him as he talks, captivated by his voice and the smile on his face. It hits like a melody across my ears and relaxes every cell in my body. I close my eyes as I listen to him, smiling to myself as I do it. Chloe nudges me, breaking me from my trance with a raised eyebrow. I blush, embarrassed of being caught. My mind blanks for the remainder of the pep rally. I'm locked inside my head, trying to figure out what is going on with me. Why am I suddenly becoming so obsessed with him? Why does a simple look from him calm every nerve in my body? Why do I have the urge to grab his face and kiss him? I've never felt this way before.

And I encased in so many emotions from it.