Who You Are

five | that's depressing

I'm awake before Greta, sitting on the back porch watching the sun rise behind the sea. Birds chirp, and the scent of the salt billows around me. She finds me wrapped in a blanket I plucked off the couch and a hot cup of tea in my hands. We sit in silence for several moments. She doesn't ask how I slept, or about the screams I'm sure she heard from my room. She doesn't ask if I'm okay because she knows that I'm not. And I'm so grateful for it. She doesn't push, she just sits and listens to everything I have to say through the quiet.

Long after the sun has arisen, we venture inside where she makes breakfast. "I was thinking today we could enroll you in school and maybe do a little shopping. I know you don't have much."

I pause mid bite and stare at her. "You don't have to do that," I reply softly.

"Willow, honey. You're my granddaughter. I have years to make up for, and I will always do what needs to be done to take care of you. You don't have to go without anymore. Let me buy you some new clothes," she says. "It's the least I can do." I nod, because I know words won't be able to expend the thankfulness that I feel.

It doesn't take us long to get ourselves ready and into the giant SUV that sits in the garage. And it takes even less time to make it into the center of Santa Cruz. Shops line the walkway in varying shades. There's a hat shop, a dress shop, a hair dresser, countless food stores and so many more.

I'm having a hard time taking it all in, my eyes don't know where to wander next. Greta pulls me through shop after shop. Spending more money than I have ever seen in my life. After several trips from the stores to the car, we break for lunch. We meander into a cute little mexican restaurant.

"What would you like dear?" she asks, looking at her own menu.

"I've never had Mexican before," I say softly. "I don't know what is good."

Greta stares at me for a moment, before telling the waitress that has just deposited herself at the end of the table our order. I don't meet her look. I can't. I'm embarrassed over the simple fact that my life has been limited. That I've never done anything. That I don't even know what my dress size, or even my bra size for that matter, is. I had to have the store clerk grab various sizes and help me try them out to see which ones fit the best.

I'm taking in my surroundings, when the bell on the door chimes. I don't pay any attention to the new patrons, I just take in the culture that rests on the walls and the furniture that surrounds me. Laughter echos across those same walls, and I feel a set of eyes bore into the side of my head as the legs of chairs scrape across the tile flooring.

I catch the sight of those eyes. The grey eyes that sit in the forefront of my mind on a constant as of late. My own eyes widen as I see him sitting there, not two tables away from us in a fitted white shirt and tan shorts. Sandals sit on tanned feet and his sunglasses sit atop his head. A head that holds that mess of locks. He smiles at me brightly, waving as he does it.

I put my hand up in a slight wave and avert my gaze. I try not to let my eyes wander to the people that surround him. I try not to take in the lengthy blonde hair of a very pretty girl, or the dark hair of the other one. I try not to notice the two guys that sit on either side of him in an insane beauty that is close to matching his own. I try to focus on Greta as she talks about mindless things again.

And I try to focus on the food that's set in front of me. It's hard to do though. So hard when all I feel is the heat of his gaze, and hear the laughter and the babble from the ones he sits with. I peak out of the corner of my eye every once in a while to sneak a look at him. Even with barely a glance, I can't help but feel my pulse race and my breathing to quicken. And it's not in a bad way.

"Oh! Kade darling, I didn't even see you sitting there!" Greta says, interrupting my side oggle. I plead with her with my eyes, in hopes she'll understand that I can't associate with him. Not yet.

"That's alright Greta," he replies. "I probably wouldn't pay attention to anything else either, if I was sitting across someone as beautiful as Willow."

I whip my head to look at him after he says that. Eyes wide once again. He winks at me, and a blush manifests across my cheeks. I look away, my face feeling like it's a thousand degrees too hot.

Greta laughs. "Right you are darling," she says. "Molly love. It's good to see you, how's Thea?"

A smooth voice talks to her from across the room, and I peak out of my lashes to see its the gorgeous blonde. "She's doing great Greta, I'll let her know you asked about her."

"Oh I'm so glad. Peter, Travis, it's so good to see you both as well."

Both the males mumble a hello and produce broad smiles.

"Grace, my sweet girl. How was Europe?"

The dark haired girl smiles a toothy smile at Greta and launches into a recount of a trip that sounds amazing. I try to focus on her and the words that she speaks, but still that gaze lingers on my face. My bruised face, and I shake my head to try and cover it with my hair. Still blushing profusely.

"This is my granddaughter, Willow. She just moved here from Michigan," Greta says, drawing attention to me. "She'll be starting school with you guys on Monday. I'm hoping you guys would be willing to take her in and show her the ropes. I know I asked Kade already, but I know she'll have a better time with more reinforcements."

"Oh! This is the girl you can't shut up about?" the blonde asks, directing her gaze at Kade with a smirk. "It's so nice to meet you Willow, I'm Molly."

"Nice to meet you," I whisper, not taking my eyes off her. She smiles brightly, before introducing everyone else.

"This is Peter, Travis and this is Grace."

I wave at the three of them, peaking a glance at Kade as I do and look away at the intense eyes and sweet smile that graces his features. I'm blown away by his looks, and completely captivated by his smiles. As bright and white as it is.

Greta chats with them for a while longer, before calling for the check and paying the bill.

"It was lovely to see you kids, I'm sure I'll see you soon." They all mutter a goodbye.

"Hey wait, Willow. Why don't I give you my number, so if you have any questions before school starts you can just text me?" Molly says, rushing to catch up with us.

"Oh dear! I forgot to get you a phone, let me get your number and I'll enter it into her phone once we get it," Greta says, taking her own phone out of her purse. "I'll text you from it so you'll have hers as well."

"Sounds great Greta, have a nice night Willow," Molly replies. I peak over my shoulder one last time, and catch those grey eyes once more. I hold them for a second before smiling softly and following Greta out the doors.

It doesn't take long for Greta to have a fancy cell phone in her hand and a dazzling case to go along with it. She tries describing the basics to me, but I'm completely lost with the technology that sits in the palm of my hand.

"Try texting Molly, get the feel of it," she replies, bustling into the kitchen. We returned home shortly after leaving the apple store and I watch her walk away as I sit in the deep cushions of the teal couch. I glance back at the screen and tap the home button. Remembering her instructions and typing a message to Molly with only my pointer finger.

It's  willow.

Hey girl! I wondered if you were actually going to text me.

Greta made me.

LMAO! Figures, she's a saucy thing. 

What does LMAO mean?

Laugh my ass off.

Girl, were you born in this century?!

I blush after the last message. Knowing full well how sad it is that I don't know anything.

I've never had a cell phone before.

Did you live under a rock in Michigan?! 

Feels like it.

What are you doing?! We're heading to the beach for a bonfire if you wanna come join us! I can swing by and pick you up? 

Uh, I'd have to ask.

Nerves shoot through my body as I stand and make my way towards the kitchen. Greta bustles around, putting away the few groceries we got today. I stand in the entryway and fumble with the end of my shirt. She looks up from the counter and smiles at me.

"What's up deary?" she asks, giving me her full attention.

I falter for a moment, wondering if I'm even ready to venture past the comfort of Greta's presence.

"Um. Molly asked if I wanted to go to the beach with her?" I say, more a question than a statement. Her eyes brighten.

"That's great deary. Do you want to go?" she asks.

I hesitate for a moment, and really think about it. The only answer I can come with is a yes. I'm scared out of my mind, but I want to enjoy the simple pleasures of being a teenager.

I blink slowly, "kind of?"

"That's fine deary. Just be home by ten okay?"

I nod my head, watching Greta for a moment as she turns around to deposit the rest of the groceries. I'm not sure what I'm doing really. I think I'm waiting for her to tell me that I can't go, because that's what I'm so used to.

"Willow, are you okay?" she asks softly.

I blush as I look at her concerned face, and clear my throat. "I've never done this before."

"Done what dear?"

"I've never had friends. I'm not sure what to do?" I reply softly, avoiding eye contact. She circles around the island and stands in front of me. Placing her hands on each side of my arms and looks me at me with emotion.

"Just be yourself," she says. "Always be yourself." I flinch as she places a kiss to my forehead and moves out of the kitchen. I sit tight in the entry of the kitchen for a few seconds. Debating on whether I want to do this or not.

I'm brought out of my mental battle as I notice the vibration from the phone in my hand.

You ask her?! I'm almost to your house, I'll kidnap you if I have too. 

Willow!

Hello???!!!

I wasn't kidding when I said I'd kidnap you! 

I'm on your back porch. 

I peak around the corner to see her standing on my back porch, as she said with a giant smile on her face. She waves at me before motioning for me to open the door for her. I do as she asks.

"Finally!" she replies, shutting the door behind her. "Are you going to come?"

I look at her, eyebrows pinched together. "I didn't think I really had a choice?"

She laughs and brushes past me, walking into the living room and searches for Greta. "Hey Gret, I'm stealing Willow for a bit," she yells.

"That's fine darling, just have her home by ten." Greta yells from the top of the stairs. She yells an okay before looping an arm through mine, cast and all.

"Ugh, I broke my arm once. Worst time of my life!" she says, taking notice. "Though everyone did cater to me."

I look at her, not really saying anything. I just listened to her ramble as we walked out the back door and wobbled down the cobble stone path to the beach below. My nerves are flying. I'm not sure what I've gotten myself into once my feet bury in the sand. I follow beside her, trying to keep up with her words.

Really, all I pay attention to is the group of people we're heading towards. Or more importantly, the one person we're heading towards that makes my veins run strong.

"There you are," Grace shouts from over the roar of the fire that they surround. "I didn't know you were bringing Willow." She smiles at me, delight present in her eyes.

"We were just texting a bit and she didn't have anything else to do, so I drug her to hang out with us," Molly replies. She lets go of my arm and walks to an empty area next to Peter. I linger in the open, not really sure where to go from here. I watch as the steady rhythm of conversation flows between them. "Come on Will, we don't bite."

"Well, Kade might," Grace says, winking at me over the fire. I look to him briefly, watching the roll of his eyes as he smiles softly. He scoots towards Travis, creating an opening between him and Grace and motions with his head for me to take it. I walk slowly, dragging the moment even longer than necessary.

With my arms crossed, the heat of the open fire caressing my face and the electricity that lingers between the two of us, I take a deep breath. I sit there quietly. Listening. I listen to them joke and jab at each other. I listen to them recount their stories of the past. And I find myself wishing I could do the same.  I'm jealous of their simple talk. Of their simple lives. Of the good times they've endured, but I'm so unbelievably happy that they were able to experience it.

They include me in their conversations, asking me questions about my life. I give them brief answers because I can't bring myself to be completely open about everything. They ask about my parents, if I have any other siblings. What I did for fun in Michigan.

"My mom died when I was seven, and nobody knew about my dad. Or Greta," I reply, softly. "I'm a foster kid." It's quiet for a moment, everyone looking at me with their own brand of pity.

"God, that's depressing," Molly says suddenly, breaking the tense silence. They all groan.

"Molly, you can't just blurt out the first thing that comes to your head. We talked about this," Kade says from beside me. He looks at me with an apology.

"Well it is," she mutters. She blushes under the intense glare of all of her friends.

"Sorry about her, she has no filter," Grace says, putting her elbow into my side.

I smile at them all softly. "It's okay. It is rather depressing," I reply. The tense silence from before morphs into the embarrassing tales of Molly's mouth. They all take turns telling stories of the times when Molly would blurt out anything that came to mind and all the trouble she used to get in for it. She doesn't seem embarrassed by it though. She holds a genuine smile on her face as all her friends talk about her. I watch her eyes as they dance from each person, care shining in the iris. She cares deeply for all of them, and I wonder how that would feel. To have a set of people in your life that you could always count on. People who know your darkest secrets but love you anyways.

I'm sure there's nothing in life that could amount to the fullness it brings to your heart.

And nothing could prepare me for the next few days as I navigate life and enter senior year in a completely new world.

I just hope that it doesn't swallow me whole.