Who You Are

two | iridescent

I'm awake to the sound of beeping. It's an incessant buzz that slices through my unconscious state. And all I see when I flutter my eyes open, is blinding light. I struggle between keeping them open and shutting them tighter. My arms lay at my side, lines and cuffs attached in every location. The door fumbles open and I peak through my lashes to see a petite, older nurse shuffle into the room.

"Oh good, you're awake," she says softly, reaching my bedside. Her grey hair sits in a curl to her shoulders, pulled back by a clip. Her equally grey eyes look deep into mine as she pushes a button on the monitor that sits next to us. "How are you feeling?"

"Water?" I croak, my throat feeling hoarse and dry. She comes back with a cup full and a straw sticking out the top, and in two seconds flat the whole thing is gone. She fumbles around the monitors again and charts something on a piece of paper.

"Your vitals are doing very well, but I am going to let the doctor know that you're finally awake," she says softly. "And get you some more water as well." She doesn't give me time to reply before she sways out of the room. I finally take in the room around me. Pale walls, sterile smell, and shiny floors. There's a plastic tube that connects into my nose and wraps around my ears, and a cuff that sits on my right arm suddenly starts tightening. I'm freaked out by it, the pressure is too intense on my bruised arms and I'm whimpering by the time the door opens again.

"Hey, it's alright. I know it's uncomfortable but I can assure you that it'll be done in just a few short seconds and we can take it off," someone says. I look up to see an older gentlemen, maybe early forties, in a white coat. "I'm Dr. Rhodes. I'm so glad you're finally awake."

"Wh-where am I?" I ask, softly. Hesitantly.

"You're at St. Luke's Hospital. We've just moved you out of the intensive care unit. You came in barely even breathing," he replies, clutching his clipboard in his hands. "You had severe trauma to the face and abdomen. You have three broken ribs, and a broken nose. We were able to align and cast them both. You have multiple bruises throughout the whole body. Some that we can tell have been there for quite some time. We found that you had a previous broken arm that wasn't healed or set properly, so we had to re-break it and cast it. You're insanely malnourished and way under weight, as well as really dehydrated. We have been pumping you full of fluids and trying to keep the pain subsided."

My mind grows fuzzy as he continues to rattle off all the things that are wrong with me. But the only thing I can think of, is what now? Where do I go? What do I do? I have no one to take care of me. I have no where to sleep.

"Now, I've held them off as long as I could because the circumstances aren't ideal, but there are some detectives that would like to speak with you." Dr. Rhodes says, "It doesn't have to be right now, but at some point you're going to have to give a statement. And as far as how long you'll be here, I'd like to keep you for the remainder of the week and we'll adjust our plan then. Until then, just eat and sleep. And press this call light if there is anything you need." He says, holding up a remote looking thing with a bunch of different buttons, and points to the call nurse button.

"Th-thank y-you," I stutter. He looks at me with pity, before patting my hand, despite my flinch and leaving the room. I stare at the door for some time before feeling my eyes grow heavy and I succumb to the extreme exhaustion my mind and body has endured.

- - - - - - - - - -

The next couple of days pass in such a hazy blur that honestly, I don't even know what day it is. I sleep so peacefully, until the terror that plagues me wakes me with a scream. My pulse races, and my ears pound. The jolt of sitting up so suddenly send pain shooting across my torso as it disrupts the comfortable position I was in. This happens almost every night. Sweat pours across my face, and my whole world tilts on its axis. Every night I fumble with the blankets and shove my feet to the ground, disconnecting my arms from the monitors that hold them hostage and fumble towards the window the sits in the center of the wall. Drawing the curtain aside I rest my head against the cool glass and take in several deep breaths.

The nights are the worst. I could sleep all day, and be perfectly fine. But once that sky goes dark, my mind becomes my biggest fear. Dr. Rhodes says its just from the trauma. That I won't always be fearful of the night. He gave me some breathing exercises and some remedies to help me when a panic attack hits. The only thing that does help, is sitting at this window and looking at the stars.

Galileo once said "I have loved the stars too fondly, to be fearful of the night." I wonder what that would feel like. To not harbor fear of the darkness. And what a contradiction it is, for me to hate the night but love the stars. They're something so utterly captivating and breathtaking. I never could understand how they calm me. Maybe it's the idea that they're such a constant. Never blinking, never fading. Always a beautiful form of iridescence. Or maybe, it's the thought of them being thousands upon thousands of souls. Lighting the night for you, letting you know that you're not alone.

But I am alone, and so lost; like a message in a bottle that sits on the bottom of the sea. I'm just hoping and praying that, someday, I'll surface across the shore once again. Because this life is bitter, cold, and empty. I'm suffocating. Floating on the edge of barely existing. I don't have a purpose anymore. I have nothing left. Those thoughts alone bring tears to my eyes for the second time since I was seven years old.

I hit my back against the wall and slid to a sitting position, wrapping my arms around my legs and soaking the thin cloth of the hospital gown. I'm cold, and I'm lost. I'm sad, and I'm frustrated. I cry from the darkness, and the hollowness of this empty hospital room. I cry from the pain that radiates through my body. I cry for the cracks that have paved way to a shattered heart. I cry for the future that is so uncertain and the past that was so tainted. I cry from the loneliness I've never felt until now. My cries echo across the barren walls, and I plea to anyone that will listen to just help me somehow. Just give me something. Make me feel whole again, end this misery.

Because I'm just not sure I can go on any longer.