Sinful Attachment

KABANATA 5

As they passed, mas lalong nagugulugan si Chaos sa nangyayari sakanila ni Chase. He knew his actions were real, that what he was doing and feeling wasn’t just for show or part of a joke. There was sincerity in everything he did.

But when it comes to Chase, hindi niya ito maintindihan at all. The way she reacts, pati yung mga araw na minsan umiiwas siya, hindi nagma-match sa kung ano yung akala niyang meron sa kanila.

And that uncertainty ay mas lalo lang siya na-ba-bother kay Chase, leaving him stuck between what he feels is real at kung ano yung pilit na iniiwasan ni Chase.

Most of the time, okay sila. Everything feels normal between and Chase, parang walang nagbago, parang same pa rin yung closeness at yung vibe na meron sila dati. Madali silang mag-usap, natural lang, at walang kahit anong awkwardness sa pagitan nila.

But then, may mga moments na bigla na lang nagbabago si Chase. Out of nowhere, she would suddenly pull away without any clear reason. Walang warning, walang explanation, para bang biglang nagbabago ang kaniyang isip. Minsan tahimik, minsan lumalayp, minsan parang may iniwasan, at every time na nangyayari iyon, naiiwan si Chaos na naguguluhan at nalilito, hindi alam kung ano ang nangyayari o kung may nagawa ba siyang mali para mangyari yon.

It feels like Chase is slowly moving backward from whatever is happening between her and Chaos, pilit siyang gumagawa ng space kahit hindi naman kailangan. She tries to create distance, as if takot siyang lumalim pa kung ano man yung meron sa kanila.

Pero at the same time, hindi rin siya tuluyang umaalis. She still goes along with him, sumasabay pa rin siya kay Chaos, nag-i-stay pa rin, at patuloy pa ring nagre-respond sa mga ginagawa at sinasabi niya. Hindi niya ito pinuputol, pero hindi rin niya hinahayaang tuluyang magkaroon ng progress.

That contradiction makes everything harder to understand for Chaos. Kasi hindi siya iniwan, pero hindi rin siya pinili nang buo. She is there, but not fully. She stays, but not completely. At doon lalo siyang nalilito, stuck between hoping na may something talaga at questioning kung iniisip niya lang ba ang lahat.

It's so complicated, hindi rin naman niya magawang magtanong o mang hingi ng advice sa mga kaibigan nila dahil wala namang mga alam yon sa tunay na nangyayari. Kung may alam man ay yun yung nakikita lang nila pero hindi rin sigurado.

“Kanina pa malalim isip mo.” Sambit ni Kier, isa sa mga coach sa dance studio ni Chaos.

“Wala lang ‘to.” Sambit ni Chaos sabay iling.

“Sabihin mo na, we're not gonna judge you know?” Poli added, isa rin siyang coach sa dance studio ni Chaos, speaking in a calm but curious tone. May hint of concern sa mata nila ni Kier, tahimik nilang sinusubukang intindihin kung ano ang tumatakbo sa isip ni Chaos.

Matagal na rin nilang ino-observe si Chaos, napapansin nila yung mga small changes sa behavior ni Chaos, yung moments na parang distracted siya or lost in thought. Dahil doon, napapaisip sila kung ano ba talaga ang pinagdadaanan nito, kung ano yung bumabagabag sa kanyang isip to the point na naaapektuhan na yung kinikilos ni Chaos.

More than anything, gusto ni Poli at Kier tumulong kay Chaos. They all care about Chaos, at nakikita nilang ganun siya ngayon, gusto nilang mag-step in somehow, kahit hindi sila sure kung paano siya magre-react o kung tatanggapin ba niya yung tulong nila.

Chaos let out a deep sigh and scratched the back of his head again, looking more unsure than usual. Yung usual na confident and relaxed attitude na meron si Chaos, wala na ngayon. Napalitan ito ng confusion at hesitation. For once, he doesn’t look like he knows what to say or what to do.

He tries to think of the right words, pero everything in his mind feels messy and unorganized. Sobrang daming thoughts na sabay-sabay pumapasok sa isip niya, pero hindi clear enough para ma-explain ni Chaos nang maayos ang kaniyang nararamdaman at naiisip. Every time na susubukan niyang magsimula, magkwento, bigla rin siyang napipigilan kasi parang hindi pa rin tama.

He stays quiet for a while, still scratching his head and looking down. Ramdam na ramdam nila Kier na Chaos is struggling, not because ayaw niyang mag-explain, but because hindi niya alam paano siya magsisimula. He wants to explain himself, gusto niyang sabihin lahat, pero yung words parang ayaw lumabas nang maayos.

And for someone like Chaos, na sanay lagi may control at laging may sagot sa lahat, this moment feels different. Parang ngayon lang siya nawala sa direction, parang ngayon lang siya hindi sigurado kung paano niya ia-address yung nangyayari.

“You can start kahit saan, kahit hindi sunod sunod. Whatever you feel comfortable to share.” Seryosong sambit ni Kier.

Sinabi at inamin ni Chaos ang kaniyang nararamdaman, naguguluhan siya pero at the same time ay lumuwag na ang pakiramdam niya matapos niyang magkwento kay Kier at Poli.

"Hindi mo kailangang pilitin yung sarili mong intindihin lahat agad. Pero isang bagay ang sigurado, hindi ka pwedeng manatili sa ganitong sitwasyon na puro hula lang.” Sambit ni Kier matapos marinig ang kwento.

Chaos let out a deep sigh. He rubbed his forehead, clearly exhausted. “Alam ko naman yon. Pero ang hirap kasi. Hindi siya consistent. Minsan okay kami, normal lahat, tapos bigla na lang siyang lalayo. Parang may mali ako pero hindi ko alam kung ano.”

Napatingin si Poli sa kanya. “Chaos, sometimes it’s not about you doing something wrong. Minsan yung tao na mismo, hindi pa ready o kaya may pinagdadaanan. Pero hindi mo rin kayang hulaan lahat ng hindi niya sinasabi.”

Chaos paused for a moment. “So what am I supposed to do? Just wait for her even if I don’t even know where I stand?”

Poli spoke again. “Let’s look at the pattern. What do you see? Not your feelings, her actions diba?”

Nag-isip si Chaos sandali bago sumagot. “Okay kami madalas. Normal kung paano kami mag usap dalawa, walang problema. Tapos out of nowhere, bigla siyang lalayo. Tatahimik. Minsan iiwas. Tapos babalik ulit na parang walang nangyari.”

Tumango si Poli bago sumagot, “That’s the problem. The inconsistency. She’s not giving you a clear place where you stand.”

Napatingin si Kier sa kanya na may seryosong tono ang kaniyang boses, “Kaya kailangan mo ng clarity. Hindi pwedeng yung peace mo nakadepende lang sa moments na okay kayo. Kasi kapag ganoon, lagi kang nasa pagitan ng saya at pagkalito.”

Chaos stayed quiet, pero this time medyo mas clear na yung thoughts niya kaysa kanina. It is still not easy, pero at least hindi na pure confusion lang lahat.

For the first time in a long while, he is still unsure about many things, but now he has something solid na puwede niyang pag-umpisahan. Alam na niya kung saan magsisimula, and that alone makes everything feel a bit less overwhelming kaysa kanina.