The Butler

Chapter 6- Guilt

Before I knew it, I was at home. I opened the door as it creaked loudly.

"Mom, I'm home," I said numbly thinking about Damon.

It was quiet. I started looking around. I checked the backyard first because she loved enjoying the sun. She wasn't there so I turned around to check her room. I was starting to get worried. She wouldn't have left the house without me, right? I calmly walked to her room despite the panic that was rising in my body. She wasn't in her room either. I decided to check the bathroom. Maybe she was taking a bath I thought to myself. I knocked on the closed bathroom door. No answer. I looked down to see lights shining through the crack of door.

My heart stopped. I couldn't breathe. I quickly opened the door to reveal my mom lying on the floor. I screamed. I checked her pulse on her neck despite my trembling hand. She was breathing. I finally took a breath, but the panic didn't fully settle. My unstable hands reached for my phone and called an ambulance. 

I held her head in my arms while the ambulance came for her.

"Are you related to the patient? Are you Stella Rise," asked the paramedic. I nodded solemnly.

He opened the door for me to get into the back of the ambulance with my mother lying on the gurney.

I winced at how pale she looked. I slowly moved her hair out of her face as tears threatened to spill.

"She seems to have a fracture on her leg from her fall," the paramedic told me. 

I just stared at the cardiac monitor praying for her heart to not fail her. My tears started spilling as the guilt started eating me. I know what stage 4 breast cancer does to you from the immense research I've done. The cancer cells spread everywhere. It's aggressive and evil, and I let my mom go through this alone. I signed a paper for her death. 

The ride felt long, but when we finally arrived at the hospital, the doctor walked briskly to our gurney and rolled her away. I was instructed to wait outside of the ER.

Throughout the whole time, I kept shaking my legs and clasping my hands together to stop the trembling. I couldn't stop my anxiety hitting me in waves. One second I would think that she would be okay because it's mom and she's a strong woman, and the next, I would think that she's a human that has a highly probable death illness. My vision was darkening, and I was getting dizzy. I focused on my five year old shoelaces to prevent myself from fainting because I was afraid of what would happen while I was passed out.

An eternity later, a doctor came out and informed me he did all the tests.

"She's not an emergency patient, however, she does have a fracture on her leg and the cancer spread to her brain. She's going to probably have constant headaches and lack of balance. I don't know why she was dismissed from our care, however, I highly suggest you keep her here this time. We would like to schedule her in for a brain surgery to remove her tumor. I also suggest she takes radiation therapy immediately. Does she take chemotherapy?"

"No," I mumbled in shame.

"Well, she should. You can enter her room, but we gave her some fluids because she lacked water in her system most likely caused by vomiting. We also gave some medicine that'll keep her asleep for a while."

"Thank you, doctor."

He nodded and briskly walked back into the ER room.

Stepping into her room, I breathed a sigh of relief. Her color was returned back to her face, and she seemed to be sleeping peacefully. Hesitatingly, I reach for her hands. Her hands were showing signs of more weight loss as it was half the width of mine. I was so negligent and all I thought about was my happiness. I continually punished myself mentally as I waited for her to wake up.

Her hands twitched in mine, and her eyes slowly opened.

"Mom," I exclaimed as I jumped from my chair. 

"Hey, hun," she croaked.

"Mom. I have to go to work, but I am so happy you woke up. We'll talk after I come back," I promised her.

"Okay. I'm going back to sleep. I don't know what kind of drugs they gave me, but it's strong."

I smiled and kissed her temple as I walked to my work place for my shift.

After work was done, I rushed back to the hospital because the streets were creepy, and I missed mom. When I arrived to the hospital, I scurried to my mother's hospital room after checking in. When I opened the door, Dr. Klaine was holding my mother's hand. He looked over at me and let it go as he walked over to me. He signaled for us to walk out of the room by jerking his head towards the door.

"Stella. I'm glad you're fine along with your mother. She didn't tell me what's wrong, but I assume she fell from her cast on her leg. She's clumsy, huh," he laughed.

I gritted my teeth. "My mom fell because the cancer spread to her brain. She probably won't be able to walk again."

His face fell drastically. "I'm so sorry. I didn't know. I'll be around if you need anything. I know I'm not the doctor that's assigned to your mom anymore, but I always felt like you guys were my family. I know it's not the most appropriate to say, but I'm here for any advice or any favors you need," he stated.

"Thanks Dr. Klaine."

He patted my back and left.

I slowly turned around and trudged into her room, the guilt heavier than I have ever felt. She had a tense look on her face, but when she saw me, she broke into a blinding smile.

"Hey, my beautiful daughter. Was work rough?"

"No. Mom. We have to talk," I paused. "You have to stay at the hospital."

Her smile fell as her face looked sullen. "But why? I wanted us to have more fun."

"I know you've been acting strong for me, but you can't even walk anymore. I know you're having balance issues."

She squirmed, "I know the doctors told me that it spread to my brain. I was hoping they wouldn't tell you."

I could feel my cheeks flush, and my heart started beating faster. I raised my voice, "But why? We're in this together. Why would you keep this from me? You're in pain. I don't want you to die!" I felt a single tear plop onto my leg. I didn't even realize I was crying, and like a dam that was broken, I cried. I never cried in front of my mom, and my mother never cried in front of me. 

But, I couldn't stop it. The single tear evoked me to start bawling uncontrollably. Lifting her arms for a hug, I went over to embrace her with all my might without breaking her fragile, skinny body. I could feel her shake in my arms as her tears soaked my left shoulder. We both stayed there crying into each other's arms seeking comfort in a tragedy that was causing havoc in our lives.