Inconceivable

Chapter 1: Unloved

"Stop it Mom!" I yell as I see my mother holding a knife. No not at me, herself. "If I don't have him then I have nothing to live for" she screams. Well Mom I guess thank you for confirming I don't matter to you. I think to myself watching in horror not knowing what to do. She gets the knife closer to her throat as she sobs and wails. Her boyfriend had broken up with her and for her that was it. So me being 13 and not knowing what to do, I lunged. I wanted to save my mother from herself. We wrestled over the knife. We fall to the ground, her trying to rip my hair out of my skull with her free hand.I grab the hand she holds the knife with and give her one good punch in the ribs and she loosens her grip on my now sore head. She tries to kick me but fails.I stand and use my foot on her chest as leverage to push away from her. "DELILAH JUST LET ME DIE!!!" she screams at me in despair as I finally get the knife from her grasp. "I hope I never depend on a man the way you have." I said as I looked at her with disgust. "I should have aborted you! I only got pregnant because your Dad said he would leave me if I didn't!!" my mother shot back at me with venom laced on her tongue. Ouch that one stung a bit. I called the cops and waited for them to arrive. They came and got her and escorted her off to the psych ward leaving me all alone once again. I say once again because this has been a regular occurrence in my life as far back as I could remember. My mother so desperate for love but didn't concern herself with the quality of such. She had terrible self-esteem. She wasn't ugly though. My mom was a small woman. She stood maybe 5'1 and weighed 120 lbs. She had long brown hair. Her hairstyle needed an update as she was still stuck in the 80's with her rooster bangs she curled back. She had an amazing smile and chocolate brown eyes. Half of her boyfriends were pedos who always tried to hit on me while she wasn't around and then would blame me when she found out. Sorry I don't want no fat hairy dude. When she wasn't spazzing out about some piece of crap guy she was sleeping. She would wake in the morning, pop a sleeping pill and back off to Dreamland to avoid her depression. When I was hungry she would wake long enough to throw money at me and tell me to walk to McRonalds and get some food. I wasn't abused per say, well not physically. When she would throw her temper tantrums she would say some hurtful things. People had it worse than me to be honest. Where is your dad you may ask? Well he has always lived 15 minutes away from us but once he started a family with his new wife I didn't matter to him either. Despite all that having a mom that slept all the time and not having a dad had its perks. It meant I could do whatever I wanted. Now that she was gone for another suicide watch trip I could really do what I want. I walked out of our apartment and walked down the hall to the apartment to the right of mine. KNOCK KNOCK. The door opens instantly. "Guess she's at it again? I saw the cops here." my best friend Renee asks. "Yep, you called it." I respond with a tinge of sadness. "Anyways do you wanna come over for tonight?" I hated being alone. "Yeah sure let me just tell my mom." Renee responds and walks away. She quickly comes back and we walk the hall back to my place. Once there we turn on the tv and start watching The L Word. We have a banquet of snacks and order pizza since I had mom's wallet. We pig out and chit chat until we pass out. "CUZ I FELL IN LOVE WITH THE GIRL AT THE ROCK SHOW!" my alarm starts blaring. Time for school I suppose. I give Renee a gentle kick "Wake up hoe time for school." I say to her jokingly. She flips me off and groans as she rolls over. I walk to the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror. I had some work to do this morning. My long blonde hair was all over the place. My makeup was smeered everywhere and I had bags under my eyes that looked like Santa was hiding his presents in there. I brush my teeth quickly and get in the shower. Once done I go back to my room to pick out my clothes. What should I wear today? Black and red, black and white, black and pink? You get the picture. I only wear black with a bit of color. Yes I am that emo girl. Sorry not sorry. I finally pick out some distressed skinny jeans and a Nirvana t-shirt and some Converse. I cake on my eyeliner and mascara and straighten my hair. I do a quick check in the mirror. I look good. I'm not the prettiest girl in the world but I do okay. I am small like my mother. I am 5 ft even and 100lbs. I have long blonde hair and blue eyes. I have a little nose that slightly slopes up at the tip. some have called it a who nose. Like the Grinch type who. I have sharp cheekbones that could probably cut glass and sultry lips. The top one was thinner than the bottom one but was proportioned well. Since I'm so small I don't have many curves but I do have a butt. All the makings of a popular girl but seeing as I was poor that wasn't the case. My best friend Renee was the complete opposite of me. She was the country girl. She had shoulder length brown hair and green eyes. She had chubby cheeks. She wore flare jeans with cowgirl boots, belts with huge shiny belt buckles and had curves everywhere especially her chest. I would never admit that I was secretly jealous of her. Once we were down we went outside down the stairs to the bus stop to wait. We got on the bus and sat in our usual seats in the back. As you know that's where the cool kids sit. I stare out the window as the bus drives us to our hell. "Hey you two!" a male voice says as he sits down. "Hey Mitch, what's up?" I respond still half asleep. "Nothing much."he says with a look like he's eager to ask me something. "Do you wanna come hang out tonight? My brother is coming home for a visit this weekend and it might be cool?" He says while looking with pleading eyes. "Brother you say? Alright I'm in." I say nonchalantly. "Renee you coming with me?" She just nods her head yes."Okay then it's settled. We'll be there at 6." I say to Mitch. He tries to high five me and I look at him with a playful disgusting look. Little did I know that tonight would change the whole course of my life. School went on as usual. Going from class to class. Renee trying to fight someone. It really was almost a daily occurrence. I love her, but damn is she drama. Lunch time came which was my favorite. I am small but I could eat more than a grown man. Today was pizza and bread sticks. Renee interrupts my food coma saying "so what do you think his brother is like?" I think for a moment. "I don't know but I hope he is hot!" I make a fan waving motion with my hand. "Then we could have a double date since you secretly like Mitch." I say to her with smirk and she rolls her eyes in response. I couldn't help but laugh. The bell rang and it was off to class again. The day drug on and I couldn't focus. I was excited to meet this guy. Finally the last bell rung out. I rushed to my locker and fought with the lock. "stupid thing." I mumbled to myself. I finally got it open and threw my books in and slammed it shut and placing the lock back in place. I found Renee already waiting for the bus. She started talking but I was zoning out which usually happened when someone was saying something that didn't interest me. I feel a slap on my arm jerking me out of my daydream. "Hey b***h are you listening to me!?!" I shrug my shoulders. "Sorry I was zoned out." She rolls her eyes and pushes me playfully. "Come on the bus is here." She says pulling me along. We get home and part ways. She goes to her place and I got to mine to get ready for tonight. This was going to be fun or so I thought.I entered my house and realized my stomach was screaming at me. I looked at the clock. 3:40pm, I got time. I thought to myself. I was always hungry. I go to the kitchen to try to find something to tame the beast. Guess Pizza Rolls and Ranch will have to do. I pop them into the microwave and wait for them to get done. I put the Ranch on my plate and grabbed a Mtn Dew. I walked into the living room to sit and eat. Oh, did I mention that my mother was also a hoarder and so our kitchen table was piled with junk. I turned on the TV and started watching Ridiculousness. That show really cracks me up. I finished eating and threw my paper plate and soda can away. I walked to the bathroom and took another shower. Once done I wrapped my hair in one towel and my body in another. I headed to my room. On the way I passed by my mother’s room and I had a moment of sadness. “Why do I have to have such a messed up mother?” I said aloud. I want to feel sad for her but to be honest I am angry. It’s not fair that I have to be the mother while she gets to be the child. She should be home in a couple days and then I’ll have to deal with her drama once again. She wasn’t always this way. She was my best friend at one point in time. We would go shopping together and out to the movies, rollerblading, road trips, or even just sit on the bed talking about anything and everything. I missed that version of her. I have had to grow up so fast even learning how to cook, clean, cash checks and get money orders to pay bills since she wouldn’t. Even that she made hard. One time I was cleaning and threw away a broken pen. “I was going to use that!” she screams in a rage. I remember laughing at her while asking “what exactly would you use a broken pen for?” She was crazy but my mother none the less. I made it to my room and put my lotion and deodorant on. I dried my long hair that just frizzed out everywhere. “What should I wear?’ I said out loud to myself. Yes, I talk to myself. Don’t judge. I mean really what should I wear? I don’t have much experience with boys, especially older boys. The most I’ve done was holding hands or the occasional quick kiss. Eventually I settled with a red crop top that was solid until it reached under my boobs and then turned into mesh until it cut off to show the rest of my stomach. I wore black skinny jeans that made my butt look extra perky and my spiked belt. You know the one. Red combat boots and my trusty leather jacket to top it off. It was summertime but it did get quite chilly at night so better to be prepared. I moved onto my hair which I straightened which reached past my shoulders and this time I decided to use foundation and powder along with my eyeliner and mascara. After that I gave myself one last look in the full length mirror. “Okaayy. Not bad.” I said to myself feeling confident enough. My nerves were really staring to get to me so I went back to the kitchen. This will help. I think as I get into the freezer. There is always alcohol in here. I grab the fifth of whiskey out and untwist the lid with force and grab a soda from the fridge. I head to the couch and switch the TV to MTV to watch some music videos while I calm down. I take a swig from the bottle. The smell is terrible and it burns my throat on the way down. I shake my head and scrunch my face in disgust at the taste and hurriedly take a drink of soda to rid my tongue of the evil presence. I repeat this many times. Then realize it is now 5pm. I get my cell our and text Renee.

Me: Hey are you gonna be ready in time?

Renee: Yeah, I should be ?

I roll my eyes and sigh at her response Oh jeez, I know what that should means. She always takes forever getting ready and is almost always late. It’s super annoying.

Me: Okay, see you soon then. I give her a generic reply. I light up a cigarette and prepare to take another shot. At this point the taste doesn’t bother me any more. Yes, I know I’m a bad kid drinking and smoking. However, I think it beats somethings I could do. One being me cutting. I just want to numb the sadness inside that stems from being told you were a mistake most of your life by both of your parents. Renee and her family are the closest to family I have. We have been friends since I was 7 and she was 8 when she moved in next door. She lives with her mom and 2 younger brothers. Their dad ran off too and started a new life. Her brother Brice is my age and the youngest is Ryan. Growing up we were all close. We would play all the time. Mainly touch football or Chicken. Would not recommend doing that on the grass like we did. Her mom had become my second mom since mine was well you know. I was basically an only child. My dad got married to that wench of a step-mom and created my half-breed sister. To me though she didn’t count I never saw her. We were also 10 years apart so not much in common. I will admit I am jealous of her. She gets the love that I wished my dad would’ve given to me. I didn’t receive that though because of who my mother was like it was my choice. RING RING my phone assaulted my ears as someone was calling me. I put out my cigarette and look at my phone. The name Georgia was flashing on my screen. I swipe up to answer it.

ME: “Hello.”

Georgia:” Hey what are you doing?”

Me: “ Just waiting on Renee you know how that goes. Hahaha”

Georgia: “ hahaha. Yeah I do. Y’all doing something tonight?”

Me:” Well Mitch invited us to his house to meet his brother and hang out.” This isn’t going to be good. I think to myself.

Georgia:” Oh really!?! Can I come?” she says excitedly

ME:” I don’t mind, but you and Renee better behave.”

Georgia:” I don’t know what you mean! I always behave!” she says shocked I would accuse her of such a thing.

Me:” Oh yes you do. You both like Mitch and are constantly fighting over who he likes more. Haha.”

Georgia:” Oh that? Well we will settle it tonight then and find out for sure. She says determined.

Me: “ hahaha. Alright meet us there at 6. Bye.”

Georgia:” Okay, Byyyeee!

I hang up the phone. This is going to be a long night. I notice the time. It’s now 5:32pm. Almost time to go. “s**t!” I say aloud realizing I forgot to do my homework. “Oh well.” I say as I shrug my shoulders to myself. I can do it in the morning. Despite my situation in life and being the bad kid I was actually smart. When I chose to be that is. Most of the time I didn’t care to put in the effort because well what’s the point. When I tried I was a straight A student. Rushing through homework was no big deal. I decide to light up yet another cigarette and take a few more shots. It was true this did really help my nerves. After multiple shots I finally heard KNOCK KNOCK at the front door. I jumped up maybe a little too fast to answer it. My head got a little dizzy. “Yep I’m tipsy.” I said out loud. I put out my cigarette and opened the door. There stood Renee. She was wearing her usual attire. Her let there be cowgirls t-shirt and chandelier looking flare jeans with a big blingy belt. She had her cowgirl boots on. Her thick silky hair had been French braided back. All of her assets were on show. “Wow you’re actually on time for once!” I joke at her. She rolls her eyes at me. “Oh shut up!” she yells while punching me in the arm. “Why you gotta be so violent all the time?” I say laughing and rubbing my arm. Renee just shrugs her shoulders at me and sits down on the couch. “Damn, you drinking already?!” she picks at me. “It’s 5 o clock right.” I hold my hands up and shrug at the same time. She just stares at me then picks up the bottle and takes a swig. “Alright, let’s go!” she says as if we're about to go to war. “Okay, but first I gotta tell you something.” I say quietly knowing that she won't be happy about this. She rolls her hand at me gesturing me to continue while she takes another shot. “So Georgia called and she's going to meet us there.” I say quickly and then step back waiting for the explosion. Don't get me wrong Renee and Georgia are friends. We are all best friends. It's just that well they are competitive with guys and they tend to like the same guys A.K.A- Mitch. “That sneaky little b***h!” she yells. I try to keep my laughter to myself but fail. “She said tonight is the night Mitch will decide who he wants out of the two of you.” I relay the challenge to her. She gasps and scoffs. “As If he would choose her over me. Game on.” I once again just laugh at her dramatic display. “Well let’s go before Georgia beats us there and one ups you. Hahaha” I say to Renee as we walk out my front door. I turn and lock the door and we were on our way.