Crime does not pay
755 Words
"After many years of attempting to catch these would be do gooders in my truly ingenious schemes, several bogus terms of incarceration, and a tiresome series of vehicle repossessions I, Dr. Diabolical (Patent Pending), am finally ready to unleash my new plans upon the city of Dappertown. Some have come to believe that my nemesis is Private Patriot. That Star spangled has been is always mucking up my tireless plans for world domination, it is true, but he is hardly my true enemy. Oh, sorry, I have to take this call."
As Hans Van Diddle turns from the podcast mic and leaves the room the sound of exasperation can be heard in his voice. Shouts regarding his inability to pay this month can be heard from the hallway as I sit and wait patiently, doing a sound diagnostic. It reminds me of my own aspirations to be a good host for a proper podcast, eventually. I was lucky to get Mr. Diddle's time, after all evil is busy work.
Mr. Diddle comes back into the room looking frazzled. I can only assume the phone call was not one he enjoyed. His mask was eschew, belying the sandy blonde hair that lie beneath his hooded head. His cape got caught on the door on his way back into the room causing him to let out an explicative that I will have to edit out later. If I had to guess from his mugshot, I guess he wears the mask as an improvement, or perhaps as an escape from proper skin hygiene.
"Right, where was I? Ah yes, Private Patriot and the nemesis misconception. As I was saying, my true nemesis is the same that plagues many an elder millennial. My credit score. Curse you, you vile system hell bent on keeping the entrepreneurial minded at bay while catering to the super rich criminals! Damn politicians get whatever dastardly scheme they want funded and what do I get? Peanuts!"
"Dr. Diabolical, I have to ask, where did you get your degree?"
"I'm sorry?"
"Your degree. I am sure our listeners want to know where such an esteemed mind received their post secondary education."
" Ah yes... well about that. You see, I did all of my classes online while working as a line cook at the local Foody Mart Deli. My alma mater has sadly since been discredited as a for profit college and kept wanting me to sell steaks for some reason. Needless to say after years of grueling study and a student loan bill that made my parents regret my conception, I emerged victorious with a Masters in deal making, and credit balancing. My dissertation is still being processed though, so the doctor title is a work in progress."
"I see, so you do evil as a hobby? Or is it your profession of choice?"
" Evil is a lifestyle my good man, not a hobby. One must be dedicated to it like intermittent fasting, or results will never bear fruit. Sadly, due to Private Patriot and his marry band of tight wearing law keepers, it makes it hard for a small business owner like myself to stay afloat."
" You own a small business?"
"Indeed, the Diddle Daddle Research and Development Institute for the Dastardly has exactly one whole intern this year, my henchman, Gimp"
A tired looking college student poked his head into the door. " Sir, for the last time my name is Jim and I am only doing this for college credits." The malnourished youth looked as if he had survived on Red Bulls and ramen noodles for some time. If I had to make a best guess I would assume it had been at least the last year if not more.
" And what are your plans for continued revenue? After all the modest fee we are paying to have you on the show today is hardly enough for someone to live on."
"That is a secret my good man, perhaps we can discuss it after my next daring scheme, in which I have only the highest confidence."
I have to hand it to Mr. Diddle, at least he remains consistently optimistic, despite at least a decade of constant failure. I do hope for the sake of my own podcast career though that his aspirations of super villainy propel him to new heights of infamy. I really could use the bump right now.
- Writer
