The Heart Of Everything

21. Because you are scaring me

Dad was right, after New Year he has been more at home. Maybe a little too much. Kimmie and I had to do it in the damn car because dad is all around the house. I wanted him to be more home, but not like five days a week. He started to make the guest room into an office, so he could do the work there instead. Dad also hired another assistant who can take the meetings in Europe when they show up. He still works a lot, but he is home and that is what I wanted. It's nice to have him here though, to make real dinner, then all the pizza he takes home late in the evening.

Right now, he is sitting in his workroom while Kimmie and I are sitting on the couch watching a movie. It's been almost three weeks since we traveled home from her granny's house. Kimmie and I have gone back to our regular, to school and our relationship is going great. Well, except that we have only done it once, since last time and that Kimmie hasn't talked about what she is going to do next year. She knows where I am going, but I do not know what her plans are, and it scares me. I think that is one of the reasons I haven't asked her yet. Kimmie has to tell me, I hope she will before it is too late. Still, she is struggling with her Rubik's cube, she has only managed to make one of the side white, but the rest is a mess. She is actually laying on me trying to figure it out as we watch the movie.

"Can you try?" She asks and holds it up in front of me.

"No, I don't think that is safe, I might break this one as well." I tell her as I yawn and she sighs, then lay it on the table.

"I'm tired, Sammie bear." She complains as she turns around to bury her cheek on my shoulder.

"Then we are two, honey." I tell her and close my eyes as she kisses the side of my neck. Kimmie yawns and it makes me feel her breathe on my skin.

"Let's go to bed." I tell her and she turns, meaning she wants me to carry her, but don't mind at all. I start walking up with my sleeping princess, with her arms around me and her face buried in my neck. It is probably not long before my girl falls asleep. I put her down in bed, and she has her eyes closed. The princess is in a coma, I drag of her pants and socks. Then I take off my own and lay under the duvet next to Kimmie. She is already gone. I take Griffin and her bear under her arm, and as usual, she cuddles into them as she laid her arm over me, with the tiger and the bear in between us. I kiss her forehead and she has that cute little smile on her face.

"I love you, honey, no matter what, okay." I tell her and kiss her one more time. I just want to make sure she knows that, so she can tell me anything. By anything, I mean where and what she is going next year. My nerves just can't calm down every time I think about. It freaks me the hell out that she might be far away. I am not sure if I can handle that, because those days she is not with me something just goes wrong. Kimmie makes me calm, and I need that. She is everything, and I need my everything.

"I love you too, Sammie bear." Kimmie says after a long while, and it makes me swallow hard. I guess there must be something heavy on her heart. Now my own is beating way too fast, I am so damn scared. I don't want her to leave me, that would just rip my heart apart. I take a deep breath to calm myself down, and close my eyes, trying to let those thoughts disappear. It's not that easy, they have been there for almost two months now and they are stressing me out. Every time I go to school, I get this awful feeling in my stomach and I can't make it go away. Sleep has been a little hard even though Kimmie is here. It's beautiful to watch her lying here beside me with her two little animals, it fulfills me every day. Now I am afraid I am going to lose it in less than six months.

We are in the middle of February and I am still waiting nervously for her to tell me. No one has even mentioned it, not even Kimmie's family. They act as if everything is normal, all of them and I just sit with my heart in my throat. I hate this so f*****g much. Kimmie wraps her arms around me from behind, in front of my locker, and I can't help but smile. She rests her forehead on my back.

"Can't we just go home?" She asks me and I snort.

"No, honey," I close my locker.

"We still have a class left." I tell her and turn around to look at her. Kimmie's eyes look tired like she hasn't slept this night. She was at home because she has been sleeping over at my place a lot. Her parents complain that they barely see her.

"Is there something wrong, honey?" I ask curiously and she shakes her head.

"No, just very tired." Kimmie says and yawn. I sigh of irritation as the bell rings.

"I see you later." I tell and just walk away from her. Didn't even kiss her like I always do, I guess it must be my annoyance. I just want her to tell me, fast so I know. Instead of walking around like this.

"Class is over, Sam." Miss Hale says as she stocks her books. I walk slowly towards her desk and sit down in the chair next to it. She looks at me, but take the hint as she sits down.

"You need any help?" She asks then, and my eyes drift down to the desk.

"Um, yes, I have a problem." I tell her a little shaky and she raises her eyebrow.

"Since you are asking, I don't think there has anything to with the assignment." She says.

"It's, um... Kimmie." I tell and Hale takes a deep breath.

"Okay, what's the problem?" She asks a little unsure.

"Umm, Kimmie, she hasn't told me what college she is going to, or anything like that, so I am walking with my damn heart in my throat every day." I tell Miss Hale, as my legs start to shake. God, I am so nervous.

"Have you asked her?" She asks and I roll my eyes in annoyance.

"N-no, I am too scared." I tell her with a trembling voice and she raises her eyebrow.

"Sam is scared, huh?"

"Yes, she is really scared." I say heartbroken as both of my legs start shaking.

"I just don't want her to leave me." I tell and swallow hard. Miss Hale's eyes softened and it seems like she is sorry for joking about it.

"Sam, yes, she might go to college in another town or city, but that does not mean she will leave you." She says and I just look at her with wide, blinking eyes. That did not make me feel any better, like at all.

"Calm down, Sam. Maybe you should just ask her to make that worry in you go away." Hale tells me and I just shake my head.

"I-I want to know, but at the same time I don't." I say, it is all so confusing and it irritates me to the fullest. Simply I just wish Kimmie would tell me, as soon as possible. I don't want to ask, I just want her to say it to me, instead of making me suffer from my thoughts.

"I don't know, Sam." She sighs and put her hands on the back of her neck.

"If you don't dare to ask then wait. If she does not say anything until it gets too late then you have to ask." Anna tells me and I nod because she is right. Those are my two options, but I still think I have some time left to make that call.

"Thank you." I just say and walk out of the classroom. I met Kimmie's eyes as I see her with the lockers. She smiles as I step towards her, but stupid enough, I can't smile back to her. As good as I know Kimmie, she notices that.

"What's wrong?" She asks as her smile fades and I shake my head.

"Nothing, just tired." I lie to her. I don't think I have done that before. The feeling is awful. I love my girl, and lie to her is the worst thing I have done, even though it is not a big lie. And I have done my part of s**t to her, but lying that is something I haven't done. I am really an asshole.

"Do you want to go home to my place and sleep?" She asks with a smile on her face and I shake my head.

"No... I just... want to go home." I tell her and press my lips together. Kimmie looks at me concerned now.

"Are you sure there is nothing wrong?" She asks again and I roll my eyes.

"Yes, I am sure. I just want to go home. I see you tomorrow." I tell her and just stumble down the hallway on the way out. Kimmie drove to school today, so she does not need me.

Dad and I are sitting on the couch watching a movie while eating pizza. It's been a really quiet Friday evening. Poor dad has tried to make a conversation, but I just don't feel like talking. Not sure if I feel anything right now or maybe I just don't want to feel. Kimmie has called like four times, but I think she has given up now. It's just that I am so upset that I am scared of what I will say to her. I don't want to hurt her, and this is my way to prevent it.

"Sam!"

"What?" I ask before I think, looking at my dad. He watches me worried. He has probably tried to reach me for a while. Sometimes I am so lost in my thoughts that everything around is just gone. It's annoying when it happens, but I can't help it. No matter what is in front of me, I just don't see it. Everything in my head is in the way.

"Are you okay?" He asks and I just nod which makes him roll his eyes.

"Sam, I am not stup..." A knock on the door saves me and I jump out of the couch. I open the door to an angry face and the fury girl throws her phone on my shoulder.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" She shouts at me as I rub my pain. I can even feel my own anger boiling in my veins.

"Everything, honey." I tell her irritated as I push her out the door and close it behind me.

"Why don't you call me back?" She asks furious, I am sure if she had the phone on her now she would have thrown it again, and this time in my face. Talk about my face, Kimmie is red as a damn tomato.

"I am watching a movie with my dad." I answer her, trying to keep my voice calm.

"A movie that lasts for five hours I doubt that." It is like looking into a pair of flaming eyes. I open my mouth to say something.

"Don't you say something sarcastic." Kimmie says, interrupting me as she points at me. I take a deep breath to gather my thoughts.

"I was going to say, honey. That I am," I stop as I look down at my feet. I haven't even noticed that I am standing on the wet porch barefoot.

"That I am scared." I tell her honestly as I look back up to her and Kimmie takes a step back with surprised eyes.

"W-why are you scared?" She asks unsure and confused.

"Because you are scaring me." I tell her and swallow hard. Kimmie shakes her head in confusion, but then she moves towards me and cup my cheeks.

"Why are you afraid of me?" She asks with soft eyes as she starts stroking my cheeks with her thumbs.

"There is something you won't tell me, honey." I say feeling my hands shaking. Kimmie steps back from me and I miss her touch already. How the hell am I going to survive without her if she lives far away? I bite my inner cheeks as I feel a headache starting to come, sleeping around five hours every night is starting to tear at me.

"What are you talking about?" She wonders, confused and I roll my eyes as I turn around to the door. Kimmie grabs my arm, making me move back to meet her green eyes.

"Talk to me." She says lightly.

"You have something to tell me, can't you say it and get it done!" I tell her frustrated, almost feel like crying.

"I-I..." Kimmie looks completely lost. I rub my forehead with my hand, because of the pain.

"Where are you going next year?" I ask straight out, I am tired and hurt. Now I simply just want to go to bed and pretend that this never happened. Kimmie sucks and bite her lower lip as she looks down. After a while, she looks at me with a tear on her cheek and it makes me take a deep breath.

"I'm so sorry." She just says crying and it makes me wrap my arms around her. She buries her face in my shoulder.

"I'm so sorry." She tells me sobbing again and I kiss her on the top of her head.

"I-I wanted to tell you, but it was so hard when I looked at you." She cries and I feel my own tears slid down my cheeks.

"H-how far?" I ask afraid, my heart is beating so fast that I can hear it.

"It takes three hours to drive there." She answers and it makes me kiss her on the head again.

"Three hours, I can do that." I say, trying to cheer her up and it works as she snorts.

"I will waste three hours for you." I tell and she leans back to look at me. She has a little smile on her face. I kiss the tears away from her cheeks and it makes her chuckle.

"It will be okay, honey. I'll come for you." My words made her cry again.

"Oh god." I say as I pick her up and she wraps her arms around my neck, crying even more. I am such a stupid head. Then I move us in the door.

"I'll take Kimmie to bed, dad." I tell him without thinking first.

"What?" He ask from the living room.

"Not like that, dad." I tell and roll my eyes, Kimmie started to laugh a little. I move us up to my room and lay her down with me above.

"I am so sorry that I couldn't tell you." She says regretfully as she cups my cheeks and starts stroking me again. It really helps to get the pain away from my head. I turn to kiss her hand and it makes her smile, and god, I love her smile.

"I am going to miss that." I say as I move my thumb over her lips and she kisses it lightly.

"I am not leaving yet, Sammie bear." She tells me and I snort as I roll my eyes.

"I know, honey, but I don't want you to leave." I tell and sigh. Oh, god. She has that look in her eyes when she is about to cry.

"Honey, don't." I tell and lean down to kiss her, softly and I can even taste her salty tears. Kimmie starts to pull my hair with her hands and it makes me lean back from her lips.

"I'm sorry." She says for what feels like the hundredth time now.

"Don't be, it will all be okay. I'll drive up to you almost every Friday and you can come home and I will see you then as well."

"Almost every Friday?" She asks pouting and I roll my eyes smiling.

"Every Friday if you do not go home." I tell her and kiss her on the forehead. Kimmie smiles and it makes my heart warm.

"Promise me something?" I ask her and she nods.

"Please, don't leave me." I plead and it makes a tear go down her cheek and I kiss it away.

"I promise, if you promise me, that you never stop loving me." She says and I nod.

"I can't, even if I tried, honey." I tell and kiss her with my whole heart.