Abyss

Chapter One

What does love mean to you?

That is such a cheesy and cringe question to begin this but this whole goddamn thing was all about that. Embarking writing journals or diary at 19 is just so absurd. Only if my therapist did not ask for it I would not consider making one.

Overweeningly, this was an easy task to make. I can just manipulate it all up, it’s not like he will know what really happened in my day or my exact perspective about a certain matter. Yet, only if my therapist isn’t my older brother— this would be easier— like easier as how I’m considering it now.

“Shia!” I heard numerous knocks behind the wooden door of my room, together with my name being called. Landon, my older brother was surely behind it. I stood right away and walked to the door to open it, not wanting to have him wait any longer. He’d surely just use the keys or break the door if I won’t respond, and I don’t want him to demonstrate either the two. “Aren’t you going to school?” He asked with knitting brows.

“I’m still having my breakfast”

“In your room?” He asked and I nodded, I don’t know why he sounds finding it unusual. I always eat in my room alone, it’s not like I have someone to dine with. “And wait—“ he shove the half open door and peeked inside “junkfoods and soda, seriously? That’s not a breakfast Shia”

“It is”

“Oh come on—“ he groaned, as he moves his head upward and jolted “I’ll make you breakfast, tell me what you want?”

“N-nothing”

“I’m running out of time, Shia” he again groaned.

“Nothing really, you can leave already. You must be late”

“I still have to bring you to your school and— make you breakfast. Just tell me what you want me to cook”

“I can cook my breakfast, Landon”

“And you ain’t doing it now. I won’t leave until you will get yourself a proper breakfast. And discard all those unhealthy snacks in your table, are you really wanting to die early?”

“It’s not like that”

“And you’re telling me that when you just cut yourself weeks ago” and now he’s opening that up again, for the nth time. And I know this time I can no longer answer back.

Defeated, I put the canned soda and the chips on a plastic cellophane and handed it to Landon for him to throw it in the bin in the kitchen. He told me to take a bath and get myself ready for school as he was just to make breakfast. Which I did obey, it’s not like I have the courage to be disobedient to him. He might lose his patience with me sooner and bring me back to our parents house in the distant town. I would not like to stay there, for some reason.

“Have you at least write a page in your diary?” Landon asked as he served me the bacon and eggs, he also prepared pancakes for himself— reasoning that he went hungry making my breakfast.

“I exactly don’t know what to write there”

“It’s been weeks, Shey”

“I know—it’s just” I sighed “ I don’t do that, you know?”

“Do What?”

“Diary thingy— that’s so cringe. And what the hell was that what does love mean to you? Do you really want to know my opinion about it? Like seriously?!”

“The reason why I give you the diary because you are lacking verbal confabulation. You’re not telling anyone about the things in your mind. Thoughts, opinions or judgements. You used to keep everything. And you’re not even inquiring, asking, about some matter that you do not and can not perceive. Therefore your mind’s usually troubled, always wondering, and then you ends speculating answers and you overthink” he explained something unnecessary “The Diary would help you at least understand yourself upon organizing your thoughts while scribbling over a certain page”

“That was too much to process” I just said. I knew what he was trying to say, I perceived what he has said. And I also knew that he knows what’s stopping me at opening up. And he knows I will never open up regardless of what he say. That’s why he gave me that notebook to make it a diary or journal thingy to scribble my thoughts, and he sure would ask for it and read them.

And that’s what’s stopping me at writing on it.

I don’t want him to know what’s in my mind.

They were dangerous... and that might harm me or him.

“Why don’t you get yourself a boyfriend?” He asked “or a girlfriend if you want. I am not yet certain about your gender preferences and I don’t want to speculate. Asking it might be a sort of sensitive too”

“I was born with no shaft so I’m probably female. And I was never attracted with anything or anyone so I myself could also not conclude anything about it. But right now I would prefer classifying myself asexual”

“Seems like you are”

And this was one of the reason why I prefer being with Landon. He knows how to understand, he knows how to listen, he considers matter, he wasn’t narrow-minded the way most of the people in our town was. My parents was even one of them. I do not know if they understand me, or is it me that could not understand them— because I literally don’t. I do appreciate them, their sacrifices and all— it’s just I am having a hard time conceding with them in lots of matter.

Landon, even though we weren’t biologically related— he seems to have been understanding me more. Well, this was more likely because he was Psychologist. Yet, I could consider that he already has this sort of talent since when we were a child.

“Shey” he calls, pulling me out my reverie “Is there anything wrong? You’ve been staring at my face for quite long?”

“No” I shook my head “Nothing. We better get going”

If I were to answer the question Landon has gave me, I would more likely tell that love was when you understands and tries to understands someone the way he always do to me. If I would given a chance to have that feeling the way usual people do, I’d more likely love him.

The thing about Landon was that, he was known as my older brother. Where in fact he isn’t, because as far as I know— he was never born or came out from my mother’s womb. He just appeared one cloudy afternoon, soaked standing in our doorway— and since then he lives with us.

Everything that happened that very day still troubles me. Intrigued by the haste hazy coming of incidents, yet I do not have the guts to inquire more about it.