Hello Lovesick Fool

My true fresh start

My name was Jessica Maria Tyler, but I sadly changed my name to Jonnie because I need a new identity after a incident with my psycho parents, I was a 5'3 sized woman, I had your typical tired eyes because of lack of sleep and, always upset expression when I'm calm, I had a blue right eye and my left eye was pitch white because of a incident, I had a round soft face I had a bit of terrible dry skin but it's healing now it's getting better, i had brown and purple hair my ends were the purple part and I had purple bangs that covered my left eye, I had a bit of chubby stomach but a bit of muscle in my stomach which gives me help of looking skinny but chubby in a good way, I had chubby thighs and chubby breasts my arms had some muscles I'm working on getting stronger I'm getting close to my goal... I know I will... am I?.

I was abused when I was younger and they were the most manipulative parents I have ever met, my sister was the favorite she got whatever she wanted while I was left in the shadows I was supposed to be noticed she never had any problems with being the favorite for doing something not strong enough I deserved to be supported I hate her she is selfish, narcissistic, annoying, and manipulative! I deserved to be the favorite I got good grades and never asked for anything and I never ask for much all I wanted was their attention they made me look bad! Everytime I had money she stole my money and used it I needed that for college! She's the reason she's nothing but a pathetic w***e with no f*****g life I have no one other then Grandma and grandpa they gave me enough money to go to college, Was I not pretty enough? Good enough? I can be pretty and good enough too! Where's my compliments where's my attention where's mine! I was the best thing that happened to them and they know it!

but I kinda feel like they were right.

Why do I feel this way?

woke up stressed on a Monday night I was struggling from falling asleep I had a college test tomorrow for my finals I was hoping to graduate and become something better then my sister I'm going to become better then her, right? I continued working on my studying I knew I was going to win I know I am. it was the next day I was heading to class needing to be there on time the time I made it the teacher was telling the class the rules my favorite teacher Mrs. Roseanne she was like a mother figure to me she greeted me "Hello Jonnie! Come come! Take a seat my dear!" She said I sat down and listened to the rules I knew I am going to work my ass off this entire day I had everything under my finger tips.

It was the end of the day I was waiting and waiting and pondering if I failed I heard my phone buzz I took it and I was informed by my teacher I passed. I did it. I DID IT! "OMG YES YES YES YES!" I yelled jumping up and down happily I froze hearing my rude pick me roommate Emily yelling at me to shut up because she got informed about what she got on her finals "Oh shut the f**k Jonnie! Ugh so annoying you girls are so dumb!" I saw her freeze, she looked horrified about something I knew she f*****g failed her finals. So I bursted out laughing at her realizing she failed I couldn't and didn't hold back one bit I was wheezing and not caring one bit how she felt, it was amazing realizing she's going to be held back while I moved forward.

I was on stage finally getting my degree, I worked hard for this I am here I clutched my degree with tears in my eyes, I was so happy I was winning, I won I can get a stable job and help me move on I smiled as I saw my crush smile at me I blushed softly I froze realizing he was looking at another b***h but it's time to head to my own path I need to grow I need to free myself from my loop of sadness and depression so I don't feel... broken... I don't want to be broken again... I need to feel...

Like I'm alive still... maybe... maybe in a couple months I'll be happy again... maybe even... better than my sister Jessie... maybe then... I'll be noticed... I need to relax and head to the better way and grow as a person... maybe then I'll find someone to love me... maybe then I'll be happy so I don't end up like Jessie with her 12 boyfriends that left her with no reason I'll be better then her even if it means I break some bones in the process i promise I'll grow

maybe then mom and did will me proud of me

...

Right?…

I became a barista a year ago now I’m working at a new cafe I know it’s tough and difficult and has rude people but… it gives a lot of money at least, one day when I was in the middle of working a shy guy came in and has kept coming by everyday and hasn’t stopped I don’t know why but it’s good to know when someone is coming to enjoy the food it gives me money and more pay atleast