Sunshine

LIX (1)

THE night is at it again. Well, it’s just the usual cool breeze and the almost deafening silence it offers almost always but it is actually why the night is at it again, making Alex feel all the things she desperately tried so hard to shove away from her insides the entire day. And that was how the night was cruel, the night that has been cruel to her since her break up because it always makes her succumb to those feelings. The way how her shattering heart sounds louder at nights, and the way how her loneliness weeps so loudly across her dark room she can’t deny it anymore. But her loneliness actually has its own range and kind. Most times it’s the longing heart for her boyfriend of her entire college years, how she missed him and his love, how she missed looking at him as he furrows his eyebrows while his face buried on his textbooks and how cute he yawns while in the middle of it, or how his boyfriend (now ex) used to thank her for the take-out meal they used to share like she actually cooked them, and how she missed hearing him laugh the same hearty laugh and chuckles he always do every time Alex cracks her lame jokes, and how she missed hearing his whispering I love yous that she won’t be able to hear anymore. While sometimes, like tonight, it’s the way how she felt under his embrace and touches and how it feels every time he is inside her that she misses. How she missed the warmness of his body against her more now that it started raining. It is the another torture of the night to her. How her n*****s hardened and her sheath wet just by the mere thought of her now ex lover that despite her broken heart, she still can’t help but feel all the worldly things when it comes to him. After all they were hot and steamy.

And Alex couldn’t take it anymore. Closing her eyes, she started picturing what she really wished is happening right now. Her fingers started unbuttoning her pajamas top urgently as if it was the hands of the man she misses so bad right now and that he also feels the same. That he is also as hungry as her for each other. Those hands immediately run over to her bottom, removing all her remaining piece of clothing there, almost tearing them. Now she is naked, on top of her bed alone. Still eyes closed her fingers touched her wet part. Playing with it as if it will ease her broken heart. She let out a soft moan which only grew louder while the loud raindrops against the galvanized roofs muffled them. Muffling the name that she shouldn’t be actually allowed to speak.

The door opened.

Olivia, now frozen by the door she just opened on a very bad timing stared at the figure of her roommate doing her thing. She did not intend to watch but she can’t tear her eyes away either. Alex noticed belatedly the presence of her new found friend which she agreed to share the apartment with to save on the rent. Alex abruptly stopped what she’s doing, panicking as she tries to cover herself. Olivia who realized she was staring all the time promptly faced the door. The door that should have been locked for this awkward situation to not happen.

“I-I’m sorry. The door was open so I just—” Olivia stuttered. She didn’t really know what to say after that. On her back she heard urgent movements, probably Alex trying to dress herself again.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry you have to see that.” Alex blushed. Now she is embarrassed. More than embarrassed she wouldn’t even know what face she will be facing to Olivia now after this. Olivia on the other hand knows she should have stormed out of the room right now to at least stop this awkward situation. But her feet couldn’t move. Her head kept replaying what she just saw and she couldn’t help it. Olivia cursed as she felt herself heating.

“I… I can actually help you with that.” Olivia has said, now turning again to face Alex who’s still busy searching for her underwear that she couldn’t seem to find. Now Alex stopped. Her hands losing strength that it failed to press on the blankets she covered herself with. Her nakedness is revealed again. Which made Olivia helplessly crawl to her. “I… I can help you. If… you don’t mind.”

Olivia couldn’t understand why she was panting. But probably because she could also feel her own c**t dampen. But she tried hard not to beg. She doesn’t even know if her friend, who just broke up with her boyfriend of 4 years would be comfortable enough if a woman touch her. But Alex nodded, much to her surprise. But that she did not pry. She doesn’t want to ruin this moment.

Now Olivia did what she had to do. She laid back Alex on the bed and slowly undressed herself. She climbed up on the bed that creaked slowly with her weight. She crawled on top of Alex, now staring at her breathlessly. Olivia owned those gaping lips with hers.

This isn’t the first time they slept next to each other. The two girls didn’t mind sharing the only bed of the single bedroom apartment they’re both paying for a month now. But this in fact is the first time they slept with each other.

And definitely not the last.

ALEX was forcefully woken up when the sun seeped through her windows mercilessly, forcing her eyes to open as it stung. It was her fault, of course, as she forgot to draw the curtains close before she slept. But she couldn’t even remember in what manner she woke up today. And she could even barely remember anything from yesterday. Will she even have the mind to think about drawing the curtains before sleeping to not let this to happen? Of course, not. As Alex is barely functioning nowadays. Like a zombie who failed to get her meal, dying.

That’s actually how Alex feels inside: dying. And it was the most natural response, at least for her. She managed to convince herself that she’s acting pretty normal and that anyone who would be met in the same situation as her will be found in the same manner as her too— breathing just because she is still able to, living because life forced her to. She couldn’t even act accordingly to the commands of her own body— for example a grumbling stomach telling her to eat, or an itchy back telling her she needs a damn shower. She didn’t know how to listen to them anymore. Simply because she doesn’t care anymore.

Though her eyes are clearly opened already Alex stayed on the bed, lying there almost lifeless. But even with all the wishing she’s dead she still could feel the hotness of the sun from the window on her body, betraying her will for death. Sighing Alex stood up, drawn the curtains close, and for the first time since she couldn’t remember anymore stepped inside the shower. She stripped all her clothes she had on for days and let the cold shower touch her body. It was the first time she felt cold from the outside and not from the inside. It was the first time after a long time she almost forgot how it feels. To feel the cold slowly seeping through her rather than having it slowly climbing up to her heart, caging it frozen. That’s when Alex realized she actually preferred feel the cold and shiver in it rather than going cold— though she hates getting cold in general. Alex turned the heater of the shower on. Now it sprinkled with warm showers. She stayed in the water longer than she should and longer than the usual.

The warm water must have worked its magic, as Alex finally started moving according to her usual morning routine, just like before where she had Olivia cooking the breakfast for them both and her driving them to Love Lingerie to starts the day’s business. It started to feel normal. As Alex went out of the shower wrapped with her white cotton robe and went straight to their bedroom, rummaging through the closet before settling to a simple tight jeans and a white button up shirt as the outfit-of-the-day. After dressing up Alex faced the mirror and gave her short hair a nice comb and tied some into a man bun. Then next she ate her breakfast, just a simple toast coming with warm steaming coffee. This is not everyday’s breakfast, but there were days where they accidentally slept in or did some quick “breakfast in bed” that made them settle for something quick on those mornings. This morning finally settled like every other normal mornings. Except that those sheer happiness her simple mornings always gave to her were not there. They did not enveloped Alex’s heart today like they’ve always been. That was the most important aspect of her morning that could make it good, blissful even.

And again, today, Alex’s efforts of staying alive went down to drain again.

Bringing that heavy heart Alex walked to the door and found her usual converse, closing the door behind her leaving her coffee still half full. She drove her car to the direction that she would have opt to take if she could, but somehow left with no choice.

Since her woman would have been waiting at the end of this painful destination, on a more painful location.