Sunshine

LIV

ALEX did not had the time to think and that was how she ended up running to the police station at this hour only on thin pajama pair and a bunny indoor slippers. And the time running wasn’t even utilized even just to fully get a grasp on everything that’s happening. She still couldn’t understand a thing. And definitely could not think about thinking what would happen next. And now she’s standing in front of the closed door of the interrogation room. It only takes her a twist on the door knob to finally face all the current dilemmas and hopefully deal with it. She knows she can’t run anymore now that she’s here. Behind the closed door Alex made her decision.

She will listen with her heart.

Carlos opened the door for her and also closed it behind. Now, after a long time of not seeing her and missing her especially on nights Olivia is finally in front of her. She is finally standing in a place where Olivia also is. And Olivia definitely don’t feel like a dream anymore. But Alex almost begged to God to just make this an awful dream. A horrifying nightmare. She begged to just let today be whatever but a reality. Just so she could wake up and realize this is all fake. But she knows her prayers will never be strong enough to actually reach the heavens.

“I can’t believe this is how I’ll see you again.”

Olivia stayed sitting there still, her eyes on her own hands on her lap that made her head stay low. That was how she is when Alex finally took her steps inside the square room with only a table and two chairs across each other and a single lamp attached to the ceiling barely giving the room light. The room made Alex gasped for air. Afraid to lost her balance she finally took the vacant chair.

“Olivia…”

The shaky whisper of her name from Alex made Olivia to finally raise her head. Their eyes met. Alex eyes mirrored of confusion and sorrow and fear. Olivia choke on them. Slowly her hands crawled on the table reaching for Alex. But those hands stopped on the middle of the table. They froze in hesitation.

“What are you doing? Hold me.”

And that made Olivia to finally stand up and throw herself to Alex. Her hands wrapped on Alex’s back that is now shaking just like hers. She buried her face on those back. It was the first time Olivia saw Alex from the back. Alex never faced her back on her. She always looked at her face. They always faced each other but Olivia knows Alex must have seen her throw her back to her many times. That made her feel awful enough.

“I’m sorry. I can’t even sorry about everything I did.”

“You just have to tell your story, Olivia. You just have to tell them.”

Olivia swallowed her tears. She slowly let go of her arms from Alex and went back to her chair. She didn’t bothered to wipe the tears off her face but managed to break a smile. “I don’t know how you will take my truth though.”

Alex just shook her head. Their hands met in the middle of the table. Her eyes told Olivia she’s listening. Listening well and attentively. That’s actually all that Olivia needed. But after seeing Alex also tell her that she’s listening with no judgments made her tongue roll back, chickening out. It was too much. It was too much for to handle.

“I’m a w***e. I’m just a w***e who managed to hook the city mayor and used the old fucker to take her out of her shitty life and still lived shitty. I went around f*****g everyone and f*****g myself and f****d you too.” That part was a lie. She may have f****d the Mayor since the day they met each other but she did not just f****d the woman in front of her. They made love. She is in love it hurts. “I’m different from the glamorous lady you loved. Those were all pretend, Alex.”

Alex stayed silent. Their eyes and hands still stayed connected to each other. Alex came with a heart to listen. She decided to let her heart listen first before using her head. And surprisingly they cooperated. That two stubborn organs surprisingly coordinated with each other very well. Her heart listened very well.

Olivia watched as ALex’s eyes turned solemn and calm. It was as if she made peace with herself. It was as if she finally got rid of all the confusion and all the understanding put her into peace. The smile that she broke confirmed it. “It’s okay, Olivia.”

Alex gave the shaking hands intertwined in hers a gentle squeeze. She hoped those would calm Olivia even just a little.

“Even with all those you call lie I know that I know you well. Because it’s my heart that knows you. I finally understood, Olivia. Nothing mattered because it was my heart that is looking at you.”

That made Olivia wet her face again. The tears that have dried got traced with new tears again. It was only her hand that Alex squeezed but she felt like it reached her heart. Warming it and at the same time suffocating it. But it wasn’t really the touch that made it suffocating. Her own self is suffocating her.

“You’re wrong, Alex. Love could be wrong that’s why you shouldn’t use it all the time.”

Olivia pulled her hands away from Alex and hid it on her back. She clasped those shaking hands together on her back tightly. And silently hope the shaking did not vibrated to her shoulders to her voice. But her voice cracked the moment she opened her mouth. Her sobs escaping one after another.

“Love is wrong. Love is totally wrong because it blinds, Alex. Look at you! I am blinding you! I am…”

Olivia couldn’t continue her words. But she used all her remaining energy and even borrowed some from the next days. She didn’t care even if those words will run her dry or will even kill her. She needed it said.

“Please stop loving me.”

THE Kahilom Police Station is now scarce of people. Those who don’t need to stay for the night left long ago. But Carlos was an exemption. He stayed sitting on his own cubicle even without nothing to do. But his teammates know he has his worries and Alex to tend to tonight. Though he never said. Carlos has been restless on his seat while his eyes are nailed on the close interrogation room. From his direction the room looks dead but he knows there’s two people breaking each other inside of it. And he wasn’t wrong.

Alex ran out of the police station with her bunny slippers and eyes blurred with tears. Carlos immediately followed her, afraid to lost her in the dark. But she’s already gone. Carlos ran around and almost called for her when he heard a suppressed sobs few steps from the tree his feet brought him. In careful steps he followed the sad sound in the darkness. It lead him to Alex crying on her knees, trying to hide herself on the tree that has lost its shade. Carlos took off his jacket and carefully placed it over her shaking shoulders.

“Why does everyone I love leaves me? Do I love wrong?”

And those words stopped Carlos to take even more closer steps to Alex. His feet froze. He felt ashamed that he even had the nerve to worry about her. And very more ashamed of himself that he even tried comforting her here right now. Carlos choked.

He was the first to leave him.

“Right, you could tell me. Why?”

Alex stood on her feet. The jacket that she didn’t know is over her shoulders fell flat on the humid grass. Carlos only looked at them.

“Tell me. Do I love wrong?”

“Yes.”

It was the fear that he had before that resurfaced again that made him say those almost immediately. Carlos saw that terrifying look on Alex’s eyes again. That look in her eyes that made Carlos run away. The fire in her eyes is igniting again. The fire that’s meant to burn her whole and alive. Alex is about to destroy her life again. Destroy it for the sake of others.

Carlos needed to stop it from happening. Just like before.

“Yes, you love wrong. Because you love so much that you forget about yourself. You love so much without loving yourself first.”

But the fire that will only hurt her is already present. And that fire started to burn her already. Alex did not understand any of the words said. It was like she never heard those today and was like she never heard of them before. It sounded gibberish. It sounded foreign and gibberish. Those were words she could not and will never understand. They didn’t sound sane. Carlos doesn’t sound sane to her right now. It’s just that they know love differently. And Alex is the one who loves right. Everyone is wrong when it comes to love except for her. This is her love and this is how she loves. And she will continue to love the way she’s loving.

“You don’t make sense. As always.”

But Carlos, unlike before is ready for that fire now. He is ready for that fire now even without an armor or anything to protect himself. Even if it will burn him too. He is now ready to burn with her if needed. And that is all he can do. Because he can’t protect anyone of them, even Alex from burning.

Carlos took the distance in between them boldly. His steps are full of determination like never before. He never took the same steps in his entire career even if his work required courage and sureness or not he will fail to dodge a bullet. But funny how he is taking these steps now to actually face a bullet. But exactly why he is more braver. And if he could then the the bravest.

Carlos pulled Alex on a tight embrace.

“I’m really sorry for leaving you.”