Sunshine

L

DAYS have been hard. These days have been f*****g hard. Everything’s been f*****g Olivia hard lately that she had to disappear again. She had to escape again. She had to leave with everything at the same time nothing of her to redeem herself again. As if going somewhere will make her find herself again. And as if she actually knew who she really is.

A routine inevitable to her, as she is never really been found. In disappearing Olivia believes she will have herself found, at least found by her. But in series of disappearing and leaving behind that she did all her life she never really found herself. She still don’t know herself. She didn’t even had a single idea. From where she got the idea that she will find herself this way in the first place? She couldn’t recall already.

The loud music ringed her ear like a very loud siren, very unpleasant and alarming. The loud disco and funk tunes the people around her are dancing to sounds like emergency to her. Like the last sound you’ll hear before you breathe your last. Every noise and music in her little world sounds that way to her. They all sound like panic shouts and scary laughs and loud prayers. Nothing sounds like laughter. Nothing sounds like joy even if it’s actually there. Nothing sounds like love.

Olivia drank the last bit of the bitter alcoholic drink left on her glass and called for another. She downed it again, adding to the pounding pain on her head which she groaned to. She couldn’t recall anymore how much she drank. And she couldn’t tell how much she could still stomach without throwing it out. But it doesn’t really matter. The bar’s cubicles are always ready for them.

And there she goes. Running to the toilets to throw everything out of her stomach.

Olivia rinsed her mouth and washed her face on the comfort room’s sink after relieving herself. She looked at her wet face in the mirror. She couldn’t see anyone, even her own reflection. The world around her looks dead. Even she looks dead. It is now clear to her now that the noise from the bar got muffled behind the bathroom doors.

But this dead world of her is actually currently filled with fear and imminent danger. Fear and danger over her own life and the people she managed to keep around her. But fear could never make you feel alive. Helplessness and desperation makes you crawl. Fear and and terror makes you tremble and hide. Pain could make you numb. Torment is a series of torture. But too much of everything is a mania. A madness to the self and to the world. It is a dream to nothing. Even a dream of tomorrow and seeing the sunrise.

Her phone rang. Olivia answered it as she stayed staring at her reflection on the mirror.

“I’m alive, bitch.”

The daily calls of torment from Romualdo Costales is here again. The daily calls of reminder from that day where Olivia decided to finally use the knife she always kept. It was the knife that she thought will finally free her from her desire of lights and glamour that’s keeping her blind. But look at where she is now. Drinking herself away with alcohol and fake lights.

“I know. That’s why I couldn’t kill myself because you’re still f*****g breathing.”

“So you planned to kill yourself after me? That’s sweet. But I don’t really want you dead, sweetie.”

The call ended after that. Olivia spit out on the sink. Her mouth started to feel bitter and disgusting. She spit out for some more until her throat felt dry. She washed her face once again.

But even with all the numbness she thought will be forever the feelings and emotions of her real world really do find her way back to her, lashing her heart until it bleed. She started to tremble with fear again. She trembled again. Darkness dawned to her again.

She could have been dead. She knows she’s supposed to be a dead body now. But the fact that she’s still seeing her face in the mirror proves that she’s still alive. And that the suffocating feeling of her tightening heart proves that she’s still breathing. And she knows she couldn’t have made it alone. She prayed.

If there is a force or an entity protecting her out there somewhere, then she couldn’t be thankful enough.

THE sun has risen up. Warming and giving light to the world once again. Every morning signals another chances to life. Another day to realize and learn something it the day goes well enough. But if nothing that grand then it’s just another day to say you’re alive and still breathing. And somehow another day to prove that you are.

She looked at the mirror. In the reflection only her face is visible. Everything around her is black and dark. It’s as if it has some spotlight focused on her meant to only show her face. It’s as if it was done to let her see herself a little deeper, probably see the soul that lies behind those eyes she always thought never existed. But those wasn’t realized. She only thought that she’s a beauty that is enough to make the darkest shine. That only made her realize she’s meant for darkness. Because she’s the most beautiful in it.

The efforts of the world to bring her back to light was all useless, once again.

Stephanie stood up from the love seat in front of the mirror and opened her closet. She let the bathrobe loosely hanging on her fall off, revealing her body sculpted by the gods. The porcelain body of a woman did not have any marks at all. It’s as if having even the smallest of it a sin already. It is a body well taken care of. It is a beauty sacred to touch. The whole beauty of a woman.

Stephanie chose a button up black dress among the others. She also took out a plain and shiny black heels and set it aside. She started to get dressed. She buttoned the dress as she looked at herself on the large whole body mirror. The dress hugged her body well, the buttons securing all the seams. She partnered the dress with the heels and tied her hair sleek black hair. She finished it off with a red lipstick. Once again she appreciated her own beauty.

This is why she never feared the darkness. Because she will never look hideous in them. And darkness never shadowed her. The shadows never hid her and she never got the urge to hide in them. The shadows never crept on her but they kneeled. All the ghosts did her rituals. All the wolves howled to her like she’s the moon. The darkness praised her. And that’s when she knew. That she’s one with the darkness.

But it’s time to let the world see this beauty. Out of the darkness, out of the shadows. The sun will finally see the beauty the moon has took pride of.

“It’s nice meeting you, Stephanie.”

NEW reports reveals that news of Mayor Romualdo Costales hospitalized and in a critical state were all fake news. His absence in the office was clarified when he was revealed to be in business trip for a meeting with investors. Spokeperson says that the meeting is over discussions on infrastructure projects of Kahilom.

Carlos averted his gaze from the TV set and also found his teammates doing the same. Half of the day is gone and here they are loitering around in the police station, nothing official to do as they weren’t assigned with anything. Captain Rivera was just at his own office busying himself with whatever it is on the papers in front of him. While Marie and Juan who’s just like him sitting on their own cubicles bored as hell.

They’ve been given the most trivial to almost nothing tasks since the Special Task Force Team dissolved. This must be why they weren’t suspended as they needed someone to do the jobs no one would be very willing to do as they don’t help with promotions. The police force is still another institution where everyone could still be most focus over promotions and stars and ranks. While most started with passion for truth and justice, that fire soon dies as they realize there’s no success and money in there but only clean conscience. Of course having conscience as clear as the water would be very uplifting. But not really in the face of poverty. There’s just so much we could blame poverty with. Malnutrition, crimes, unemployment, and a dirty conscience.

“What happened with Olivia’s evidences?” Carlos whispered to Juan next to him, very careful to be heard even with the TV turned on to the loudest volume. Juan pretended busy with something on his desk, leaning a little to Carlos’ direction whispering.

“I don’t know. But Captain’s been really very careful about it. I think we’ll hear from him soon.”

Then they went on with their bored look, pretending that conversation never happened. Marie tsked while looking at them.

“We’re the only ones here, morons. No need of the whispering. Anyways I;m hungry. Should we go out and have something to eat?”

That made them look at the wall clock next to the TV set. The arms pointed 3:15PM. It’s meryenda time. Marie’s stomach was true to her. Juan and Carlos nodded agreeing to Marie;s suggestion. Marie stood up and knocked on Captain Rivera’s door.

“Capt, we’re thinking of getting something to snack with. Could we get you anything?”

“Wait.” Rivera said, standing up from his chair. Marie held the office door open for him.

“There’s someone one of you need to fetch from the airport.” Rivera said. He cleared his throat and started to explain.

“Kahilom has an important guest. This person is a Filipino, a balikbayan you could say. She is a VIP guest but she doesn’t want to draw attention so she personally asked for only one non-uniformed officer. I want you Carlos to go.”

Carlos still has questions but he still stood up and took his jacket. “Who is this VIP state guest I’m fetching?”

“She’s a philanthropist. She travels the world to help.” Rivera checked this guest’s profile once again before turning it over to Carlos. “Stephanie.”

“Stephanie?” Carlos hurriedly checked the profile. His eyes grew wide. In those wide eyes he turned to Juan.

“Juan, she’s the Stephanie we know, right?”