Days of Darkness

Chapter 13

Maybe they know in Portland," I suggested. Stinky grunted at the lack of attention. Natalie smiled and began feeding again.

"How do you know we wouldn't just turn her over to a cult or something," Natalie commented, "you have no idea who that lady was or why she had Stinky."

"She seemed sincere," I countered, "but you could be right. I do find it hard to believe that her last words would condemn Stinky." I thought about it and the way Natalie shifted the conversation. She was trying to convince me of something. Something she had already concluded.

"There's a reason we're in North Dakota and not Oregon," I observed. I said it softly, without accusation. Natalie nodded and stopped feeding Stinky again.

"I wasn't sure Portland is the right place or the right people," Natalie admitted, "anymore than the government or whoever else wants her." She paused for a moment, and when I didn't speak, she continued. "I wish we had more to go on before we just hand her over."

"You have a career," I reminded her, "you can't just drop everything, and I am not capable of raising Stinky alone. We have to find a more permanent solution. It's our best bet."

"I quit my job," Natalie said, then quickly began feeding Stinky again. She was concentrating on Stinky, trying hard not to look at me as I absorbed the shock.

"Wh...why?"

"Stinky has a way of showing you things," Natalie said, "I was climbing the ladder because that's what everyone told me I should do and I was good at it." She refilled the spoon, and with excited verbal support from Stinky, weaved her way through Stinky's overactive hands. "It's not what I wanted. I love being a lawyer; I just don't want to be a starched one." She paused again and looked at me. "And I want other things. Things a sixty hour work week won't let me have."

My mind was reeling. I thought I had unintentionally thrown away my life and here was a woman who purposely threw it away. Money and prestige were my hopeless dream, and she made it seem like a bad movie. I wiped off Stinky's chin and one of her hands.

"Does your mother know?" I asked. Maybe Rose could talk some sense into her.

"She agrees," Natalie said as she reloaded the spoon again, "she always knew I was unhappy." Natalie tried to come in high to avoid Stinky's grabby hands. Stinky looked like a starving baby bird as the spoon neared.

"I would have told you yesterday," Natalie clarified, "but you were kind of out of it. Mom didn't like the idea of Portland anymore than I did."

"Three against one," I chuckled. Natalie gave me a confused look. "Three girls and me," I clarified, "I'm out numbered."

"I'll go to Portland if you insist," Natalie said, shaking her head, "it's you Stinky loves."

"She doesn't know what love is," I said, shrugging off her statement.

"Sam," Natalie said while she fished the last of the carrot out of the jar, "she loves you unconditionally. I know it, my mom knows it, and so does everyone else she bonds with." Stinky fought for control of the spoon and Natalie relented, making sure she didn't swallow the whole thing. "She trusts us because you trust us. She loves you deeply." I was staring at Stinky, trying to fathom the foolishness of someone trusting me. Of someone loving me. From what I could see, Stinky only loved food. I pushed away from the table and stood. I was breathing harder than necessary.

"I...can't," I stuttered, "I'm a f**k up. I'll screw her up and make her bad or something." I'd die for her, but I didn't have the skill to raise her. I grew up with piss-poor role models. She would end up like me.

"Or you could just love her back," Natalie said, "since you already do, it shouldn't be that hard."

"That's your plan," I argued, "ruin a perfectly good child by leaving her in my hands. All the people in the world and you pick me."

"I didn't pick you," Natalie laughed, "she did." Orange covered lips started laughing with Natalie. Stinky was taking Natalie's side and using her cuteness against me. I huffed and puffed trying to think of a new reason why it was an asinine idea. Natalie's smile was eating into my argument, making me think I was worthy. Her confidence in me was almost painful.

"She needs a bath," I said, trying to retake control of the conversation. I lifted Stinky into my arms and started toward the bathroom. "You're not helping, you little stinker," I whispered. A chuckle from Natalie informed me she overheard.

Stinky was sitting up pretty well on her own now. My hand was still there in case she faltered, but I let her play in the two inches of water unhindered. Splashing was her favorite, at least, before it got in her eyes. I tried not to laugh when she responded to the invasion by rapidly sucking in her breath. I cleared her eyes with a dry washcloth, and she went on playing.

"Most men get nine months to work up the courage." I turned my head to find Natalie leaning against the door frame, that damn smile weakening my resolve again. "you jumped into daddy mode without warning." I turned my head back to Stinky, not wanting Natalie to know how scared the word 'daddy' made me. Dads are saps. Stinky smiled at me as she played. I was a sap.

"I've never had anyone rely on me," I said, "it's terrifying." I looked back to Natalie and her confident smile. The look of a lawyer who was making her case. "What if I screw it up?"

"What if you don't?" Natalie said, using my own indecisiveness against me. I had to smile at her. All that intelligence bundled into such a pretty package.

"You're not going to let me weasel out of this," I observed. Natalie's smile grew as she shook her head no. Portland was shelved. I turned back to Stinky, who had just splashed water all over my t-shirt. "We're going to need some things for you," I said as I lifted warm water in my hand and let it run down her back. Stinky splashed again and thought it was funny when I flinched. I had a little water war with her, splashing her back as she proceeded to soak us both. I would have to work on her aim.

"You have no idea how sexy you look right now," Natalie said. I turned in time to see her leave the bathroom. A sap playing in the tub with a baby is sexy? I smiled to myself remembering her thoughts about me. I had no idea how those visions correlated with the current soaked version of myself. Women were a damn mystery.

"How do you feel about naps?" I whispered to Stinky, "I'd only need an hour or maybe two. Think of it as payment for turning my life upside down." She splashed hard and started laughing. It looked like an immediate nap was not on the agenda.

Natalie went shopping while I watched Stinky. A car seat was a must. Driving for a day without one was a sin we wouldn't repeat. More food, diapers, wipes and other baby necessities were on the list. We were chewing through cash, so we decided risking Natalie's credit card We made the assumption that the thugs hadn't acquired Natalie's name. They weren't all that bright and most likely didn't even get the license plate. It was a risk, but we weren't about to start robbing banks. The car seat alone would have drained our cash resources severely.

Stinky was building muscle. She would rise on her knees, her butt high in the air, and wiggle forward and backward. She was on the cusp of mobility. She could already roll over, but now, I saw a determination in her eyes. I was both proud and terrified at her progress.