Days of Darkness

Chapter 55

Call me Sam, Caleb," Dad said, seemingly more interested in him than me. Mom and Grandma both insisted on a hug which added more color to Caleb's cheeks.

"Hey, Caleb," Zane said from the couch, barely looking up. He was working on a game on his tablet.

"Hi, Zane," Caleb returned. For a second I feared we were all going to sit in the family room to talk, but Mom wasn't going to make us suffer through that much.

"Lunch is ready," Mom said. "Zane, put up the game and join us." Zane gave a grunt as he put the tablet down and moved slowly. We all moved into the dining room where Mom sat Caleb next to Dad and me next to Caleb. Mom sat across from Caleb with Grandma next to her. Zane shrugged his shoulders and sat across the table from Dad, normally Mom's seat. I'm sure Caleb felt surrounded, but it didn't show.

So," Dad started as the food began to be passed around, "what are your plans for after graduation, Caleb?" Dad already knew, but at least it was an easy question.

"College mostly," Caleb responded, "not sure what I'll study yet. I like mathematics and engineering sounds appealing. My violin is still my favorite, but I guess I can do that no matter where I go."

"Music and math are closely related," Mom jumped in. "At least that's what I hear anyway."

"They are Mrs. Fuller," Caleb agreed. "Math is more finite, but sound waves are beautiful formulas and adhere to strict rules. Both disciplines enhance each other. Math supplies the rules and music the infinite ways to apply them." I was staring at him as his mind worked. I could hear his love of music in the words. I was sitting next to someone who understood his future, unlike me.

"Sounds like you want to be a violinist," Grandma said, moving salad to her bowl.

"It's difficult to make a living as a musician," Caleb said. It was his parents' voice in the words. "It's better if I study something more practical." Both Dad and Mom nodded in agreement. I wondered what happened to the 'do what makes you happy' speech they always gave me. I wanted to jump up and tell Caleb to do just that. If it wouldn't have embarrassed him, I would have.

"Something to be said for happiness as well," Grandma chimed in. I smiled at her. Let's see Mom and Dad contradict her.

"If you're miserable, what's the point of all the money," I added to Grandma's statement.

"And who says you'll be a broke musician," Grandma continued, smiling at me. "Plenty of them do very well for themselves." Caleb filled his mouth with mac and cheese so he could stall any response. I think he was telling my parents what they wanted to hear and didn't want to contradict it.

"Music is a big risk," Dad said offhandedly. "Now engineering guarantees you and your family security." I gritted my teeth when Dad mentioned family.

"Income makes life a lot easier," Mom agreed. "It gives you choices you wouldn't otherwise have." Grandma was looking at the two as if they were new people.

"Income is nice," Grandma agreed, "happiness is better." She quickly put food in her mouth to stall any questions that might come her way. I wanted to kiss her.

"Music does make him happy," I added. Caleb grinned at me with a mouth full of food.

"Where are you thinking of going," Dad asked Caleb. I could swear Caleb swallowed without chewing.

"MIT has accepted me," Caleb said after he wiped his mouth with his napkin, "but I'm waiting for Stanford to respond. My father met my mother there."

"Both are wonderful schools," Mom pointed out.

"They certainly are," Dad agreed. "Either would be a feather in your cap." Feather in your cap? What was wrong with Dad? He never cared what school anyone went to. He always said it is what you do with your life that's important, not how you got there.

"It's not where he wants to go," I blurted out. I realized too late that it was Caleb's decision whether to mention that. Grandma raised her eyebrows.

"Northwestern has an excellent string program," Caleb said, covering my words, "I met the head of the music department last year, and I really liked it. They eat and breathe music there."

"That sounds like a wonderful program," Grandma chimed in.

"It is," Caleb said. Then he proceeded to list the features of the program and everything he liked about it. He knew the names of the violin teachers, who currently held first-chair, and even a description of the dorm rooms. If you didn't know his desire before, you knew once he had slowed down and realized he was monopolizing the conversation.

"He likes his music," I summarized.

"Passion is important in any art," Grandma said. "You certainly don't lack for that." Mom and Dad were both silent during Caleb's description. I think they were disappointed.

"Do you intend to pursue your violin?" Dad asked. He was looking down at this plate, pushing his fork around the food, as if the answer didn't matter.

"Both MIT and Stanford have an orchestra," Caleb replied, "I'll minor in music and still get to play." He shrugged his shoulders, seemingly content with his lot. Dad brightened.

"The best of both worlds," Mom said. I lost my concentration and let some anger leak. It wasn't strong, just enough that Mom and Dad felt confused. I couldn't believe they would encourage Caleb to pursue something that didn't have his full heart.

"I'd do the music," Zane jumped in, "though it would be an electric guitar." He did a little air guitar with his fork and bobbed his head. Grandma laughed and the conversation began to change. It was lead by Grandma who steered it to the bands of her generation. A small war between generations ensued about whose music was the best. The older you are, the more you are convinced that the new music has no heart. Zane, Caleb, and I teamed up to inform the ancient ones of how childish their music was. I have to say it was a much better conversation than Caleb's future life choices.

What surprised me as the meal wound down, was how relaxed Caleb had become. He was stiff as a board when we first sat down. Now, his face held a smile, and he conversed with confidence. He even slipped in a well-timed pun which brought the table a few moments of laughter. There is something about bringing a friend home and finding my family likes him as well. It validated my choice, made me feel a little stronger.

Just before Caleb and I left, Grandma pulled me to the side, away from prying ears.

"I like him," Grandma said with a smile that said more than her words.

"So do I," I agreed, "as a friend." I didn't want her to get any ideas about where the relationship was heading. I wasn't going to attend MIT and Caleb was barely in my social circle.

"Well, if you're not interested," Grandma said, "maybe you can put in a good word for me." I laughed at how she said it. She sounded forty years younger, and her eyes looked serious. She hugged me and whispered in my ear, "It's okay to like him. He likes you." I held her next to me, sharing the love I felt for her. She was always so aggressive with her feelings. Dad had told me once, that she was trying to make up for ignoring life for many years. I wasn't sure what that meant, but I could feel it in her.

"I'm not ready," I whispered back. It was the truth. I doubted Caleb was the one for me. He was too damn smart and on the fast track while I was still waiting at the red light. I wasn't ready for anyone.

.8 - Caleb

What I thought would be hell was almost enjoyable. Teegan's family was not what I expected. Her mom and dad weren't as judgemental as I had envisioned. Her grandmother was the greatest surprise. I could only describe her as a flower child from the sixties. She didn't dress the part, but her desire for free will and happiness was contagious. In fact, the only fault I could find was her strange love of Bob Dylan. I always found his music too dark and raspy. "The words were the key," she had told me. For her sake, I would try his music one more time. Maybe there was something I was missing.

Mrs. Fuller insisted I come by again in the future. I could tell the request embarrassed Teegan, so I hesitantly agreed. It was a light promise anyway, meant at the time, but rarely enforced by either party. Strangely, I think I had made better inroads with Teegan's family than I had with Teegan herself. She was friendly enough. There was just no strong connection beyond the hand-holding that steadied me in the beginning.

I hated that Teegan saw my fear when I first arrived. Driving around the block four times before I finally committed had done little to lower my heartbeat. Her hand did wonders, and I didn't want to let go. It was done in friendship, at least on her side. When she first took it, I had an incredible desire to kiss her. It would have been the wrong time, and she probably would have sent me packing.

The family test was over. I was probably the only one grading it, but I gave myself a 'B.' Teegan didn't seem to disagree, her smile was real enough as we climbed into my car.

"Was it as horrible as you thought?" Teegan asked as she buckled into the front seat.