My System Harem

Chapter 4: No Guilty Conscience

The sky grew dark, but I was still walking my way home. No cars passed by as the alley remained empty. But even when one does, I ended up missing it. I was so lost in thought that I couldn't even properly see what's in front of me. But what weighed heavier was my hope that Darius would come back for me. So I waited, and waited, until the sky lost its color. But no Darius ever came back.

Even when I arrived at the house he promised would be ours, I couldn't feel the warmth a home should have. I didn't feel welcomed, not just from the house itself, but even from the man who promised forever with me. I was soaking wet from the rain as I entered the house. I didn't even realize that it rained, or perhaps I refused to. Even my wet clothes clung to my body so naturally I couldn't feel a thing. I thought I wouldn't have to see their face, but I was surprised to see Darius coming downstairs as I met his eyes.

His eyes widened, but is he concerned? Or is he going to continue scolding me? But honestly, do I even have to wonder? It's not like it would change a thing. I have grown numb, but I can't give him up. So I'll just have to endure, as if the pain he has inflicted me are nothing but a dream. If I leave him, and he leaves me, would I even be able to endure it? How am I suppose to continue living when my only salvation left also disappear? So I'll just pretend, like I always do, that he did that to gain my favor. To help me fix my relationship with that family. Even when I know, all I have to do is pretend to. That's what I'm good at anyway.

"Why didn't you call me?"

"...."

"Is this your way of guilt-tripping me? I was just helping out your sister. But if it is satisfying for you, then go ahead, continue feeling that way."

Guilt-tripping him? Does he even have a conscience? Because if he had, then none of this would have happened. He wouldn't have invited Lyra in the first place, he wouldn't have left me at the back seat, he wouldn't have forced me to give up the gown, and he wouldn't have left me alone in the bridal shop. And yet he has the audacity to say I am guilt-tripping him? If only I could sneer right into his face. But would that even make him ask for my forgiveness? I'm the one engaged to him. But I never once felt like I am. In fact, I would probably think the day he proposed to me was all fragments of my imagination if not for the ring and the mark left by it.

"Caelia."

His voice rang in my head, but I can't answer him—much less look him in the eye. So I remained silent, because none of my feelings would ever matter to him.

".... "

Without sparing him another glance, I walked my way upstairs and passed by him, but I was startled from the sudden grip in my wrist that brought me to a sudden stop. I looked at the hand holding me, then to the man with an indescribable face.

"I'm sorry. So stop avoiding me and look me in the eye." I did, but I couldn't comprehend what it was telling me. I could only lower my eyes and stare at my wrist growing pale from his grip. He also directed his gaze to where I was looking. He flinched, and reluctantly released it before averting his eyes.

"You should change clothes. You wouldn't want to get cold." after stating his so-called concern, he left. But I was too tired to understand his actions. So I proceeded to my room and sat facing the mirror.

My face looked unrecognizable. But it was probably because of the rain. My complexion was pale, my lips chapped, and my eyes devoid of any emotion. Soon, a transparent blood flowed out of my eyes. I thought it was a drop of rain, but it appeared when my heart ached. So it must be blood, a transparent one. But it wasn't just one. 2 more followed after the first one until even my other eye started to release some.

Is this the emotions I have been holding back the entire day? Why are they only spilling now? Are they also afraid of being seen? Are they also afraid of showing their weakness? But I thought I was fine. I mean, I was, until I arrived in my room.

I looked at the mirror. It reflected the necklace my mom gave me before passing away. It was a necklace the shape of a heart, with its edge showing how old and worn it was. There are no intricate or extravagant pattern adorned, only the blue sapphire attached in the middle. I took if off as it hung from my neck. It was indeed an old necklace. I was probably around 16 when my mom gave it to me, and it was also the day she completely disappeared from my life. She was the only person I had, the only warmth I needed in that cold house. But even they took her away.

If she didn't leave, would I have lived a better life? Would I have avoided saying 'yes' to Darius? Would I have felt less pain? I can't avoid asking these questions. There's always a possibility, or probably, even another dimension out there where I am living a happy life. A life where mom found someone who treated her well, someone who would never abandon her, and a father who would never neglect his child. In a different life, there is probably no Lyra, and no family that treated me like trash. A life where there is no pain.

But why can't I imagine a life with no Darius? How come I can't seem to erase him from my heart? He was the only man who loved me and accepted me for who I am, but he is also the same man who chose Lyra over me. The same man who forced me to give up the gown I picked. The same man who left me at the bridal shop. And the same man who never came back for me even under the rain.

So why can't I give him up? Oh. Is it because in this life, there is a family that continued to torment me? Because there is no mom who wraps me in her arms? Because there is a Lyra who might steal everything I have? Or is it because he is my only salvation?

Even I can't help but sneer at my own thoughts. Salvation? Darius is my misery in the form of love, and I have fallen too far to even think of climbing back up. But I have to continue. Tomorrow is my birthday, even Lyra prepared a gift for me. Darius never mentioned a thing, but I'm sure he would never forget me. Even if I ended up returning without having chosen a gown. Even when I feel like breaking apart at any moment now. I have to continue, because that is how I am made of.

Yeah, I can do it. Tomorrow will come for sure, and I hope by then, I would forget all of this pain. All of this suffering, and this hopelessness I am feeling. I really hope so.