NOT GUILTY?

Sudden unexpected

Divorce blows.

There is just no easy way to put it. I am not sure how most people survive it, let alone go on to trust another person with their heart and get married again. The idea of it baffles me at times.

I had the ladies at the church visiting me that day.

When they asked why I didn't divorce my husband when I found out about his cheating activities at first, I told them that it was a choice.

I had to choose to kill him, well I didn't actually say that to them.

....WEEK LATER...

Moving past the rolling film loop that was playing constantly in my head, the loop of every hurtful thing that was said and done, was painful. Moving past it felt impossible at times.

It felt impossible to gain closure because there was nothing he said or did to ever make me believe that he loved me and I could have spared his life.

The man I had made vows to and committed myself to, changed. If I look at our relationship with any perspective at that time, I can see that he had died years and years before...but at the time I felt blindsided.

......................

All night I have been tossing and turning, racking my brains to think what could have possessed me to kill that man!

I thought maybe, I was going to forget about him and his existence but it wasn't that easy.

I woke up and sat on the bed. Then I came across our wedding picture which was hanged on the wall. I stared at it and began to cry, the soul deep weeping of a woman who'd lost all and spent her tormented life in a level of hell anyone would never be able to imagine.

Even in my sleep, he was still torturing me. I got up from the bed took the picture and threw it on the floor, the glass breaking into million pieces.

If only I had embraced the virtue of self-control.

If only I had walked out of that room when he disrespected me. Perhaps I would not be in a place that can rob anyone of their happiness, hell no!.

It was no different with Kate.

"If only I could turn back the hand of time." These words are so automatic as they ring in my head when I wake up each morning from my bed at that big mansion.

The pain in my heart still lingers fresh in my mind as I recall the fateful night when I stabbed that man.

It was done..it was really done and I had to allow myself to accept that the person I married was never coming back, I had to figure out what to do. What's done was done, so I had to do whatever was necessary to move past it for my children and for me. I had to find a way to somehow get through it and pick myself back together again.

I had mentally killed that man.

I killed the idea that he still continued to cheat on me.

I killed the visions I had of our future together.

I killed the dreams we had shared and the life we were building together.

I killed that part of my life that was no longer viable.

Mentally killing him, the person I had loved, and allowing myself to grieve that loss.

I burnt all the pictures that I took with him, every romantic thing that he bought for me and his clothes, all his belongings.

I watched it burn as I took a sip of wine from the bottle.

By grieving the loss of my husband, killing him in my mind I can mourn that loss and start a new chapter.

The "wasband" will be woven through every chapter of my life in someway, while the boys are still young but now I am able to move forward without looking back.

And the future looks good, and I am better off because of it and the next chapter of my life awaits as I wait for the commencing on Monday.

I can't wait to see Kate being sentenced to life in prison.

Anyway, you all might be wondering why I hadn't talked about the will?

You have probably seen on television or in movies a scene where surviving beneficiaries and other family members gather together for a formal "reading of the will" at an attorney's office.

Such scenes are very dramatic and often involve dialogue contesting the terms.

I asked the lawyer to come over to my house.

'You are in a good mood. I hope my brother didn't leave you anything,' she said as I stood at the stove hammering to my song.

She was part of the people that were present.

I chose to ignore her.

Today it was a good day for me and no one, not her, was going to spoil it for me.

'You love seeing me cry, erh?'

Can you pass me that cabbage?'

She clicked her tongue and walked out of my kitchen.

I should be poisoning his whole family. They were a constant reminder of him.

I couldn't wait to wear my clothes. I didn't want to put on the black clothes but my mother insisted I wear them, it was part of tradition.

I finished cooking and served them all. Janet, my so called husband's little sister refused to eat my food. She said that she wasn't hungry but I knew very well that she was. I could hear her stomach growling from a distance and just smiled.

Once they were done eating, I took away the dirty plates and placed them in the sink. I wanted to wash them but my cousin's sister insisted on helping me.

I was even tired.

I had been standing on the stove since morning cooking for these people.

Janet didn't even offer to help me.

I had no idea why she hated me. Even when I was dating her brother, I tried so hard to get along with her but still I was never good enough.

Right now, I don't even care anymore. She doesn't know what I went through when her brother was still alive. How he used to mistreat me sometimes, calling me names in front of my children, looking down upon me as if I had begged him to marry me.

'Mrs Moyo, are you okay?' asked the lawyer as we sat in the dining room.

I had been thinking about my husband.

'I am sorry,' I wiped away the tear that had escaped.

'If you not up to it, we can do this some other time,' he said.

'I am okay Harris. Let's do this.'

My mother-in law held my hand assuring me that everything was going to be alright.

This woman loved me and whatever was in the will she deserved some of the money.

The lawyer opened the sealed envelope containing the will.

'Hmmmmm.'

'What's wrong?' I asked shifting from my chair.

'We can't read this will. One person is missing.'

'What do you mean? All the family members are here.'

'Jason clearly stated that I should read the will if Kate is present.'

'What?!' I exclaimed getting up, 'he added that b***h in his will!' I shouted much to my surprise, 'no no no this can't be happening.'

'Calm down makoti,' said my mother-in law.

'Don't tell me to calm down. He is still hurting me six feet under. Why did he add her in his will? What are we supposed to do?'

'It says here that if Kate is not present then her little sister should be there .These are the terms of the will and there is nothing that I can do. We cannot read the will if the girl is not present,' he got up, 'call me if you have found the girl. I am sorry Rita but this is what your husband would have wanted,' with that said he walked out of the house accompanied by my uncle.

I ran out of the room to my bedroom and locked my door. I threw myself on the bed and cried out loud.

'Damn you Jason! I hate you with all of my heart.'

How could he hurt me like that? He humiliated me more when he added that b***h in his will. I didn't want Kate to have everything I had worked for.

If it wasn't for me, that man wouldn't have started his company. I gave him the capital to start the business and never told him to repay me back. Just some random girl gets to have what I had worked for as well. Never was I going to let her have half of what he owned. What if he didn't leave me anything?

I heard my cousin's sister banging the door as I threw everything on the floor, breaking every glass material. I was mad at him and wished I had got hold of the will first. I could have changed it and only put my name.

That son of a b***h had me destroyed completely. He had made me a laughing stock. I am sure Janet was laughing out loud right now enjoying the drama scene that I had put on a while ago.

I opened the door later after I had asked my cousin's sister to leave with everybody.

I walked to the dining room in a drunken state and found him sitting on the chair.

'You dare come back here after what you did to me. You son of a b***h!'

'You shouldn't have killed me Rita. Kate gets to win. You might have framed her but you will never be happy in your life. You are in a hell.'

'Shut up!' I yelled at him, 'get out of my house. Go and be with that b***h of yours. I will kill Karen if I have to. She won't be here when Jeft is reading the will. I hate you Jason. I hate you will all of my heart,' i said looking at him but he wasn't there, 'damn you Jason!'

**********

Every part of me hurt so deeply.

Why couldn't he just let me be happy?

I did everything for him.

I was a good wife for him.

The least he could have done was not to add her in his will.

He loved her more than I.

I felt empty inside. Whether he was dead or alive, I still felt the same feeling. Maybe I could have just divorced him and moved on with my life. I gained nothing when I killed him. I am starting to lose everything now that he is dead. No one is going to believe me when I tell them that I also invested in his company. Half of the things were supposed to be mine. But if he was still alive, I was going to get half of the things he owned.

I don't know how I slept but I woke up with a pounding headache. I was feeling sick and kept throwing up.

It might have been the alcohol that I took last night.

I cleaned my house, the mess that I made last night was just too much.

I was glad my kids were not here. I took a bath and didn't wear my black clothes.

***

I was paying Karen a visit.

I had some breakfast and told myself that I will fix things. I got out of my house and walked to my car. I drove out heading to Kate's house.

What if I just kill her? She was blind. It was going to be so easy to kill her. They had actually moved out from their old house to a new one just near town.

As I was driving I kept wondering why Jason added Kate in his will.

I spotted Karen from a distance and drove my car in high speed. I knew her from the pictures my private investigator had sent. This was my chance to kill her, to knock her down with my car. I got closer but this man came from nowhere and pushed her aside making me miss my hit. I didn't stop but continued driving watching the door on the tar road. Damn him for saving her life. That was my only chance to get rid of her.

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