Sweet Whiskey Nights

Grumpy Old Men

Marcus

The ride home was long and quiet except for the radio which we kept fighting over. T’Jay and his damn trap music. At least it ain’t that mumble rap s**t you can’t understand. Personally, I love me some good old R&B slow jams. Give me them 1983 through 1996 Quiet Storm hits. Back when music was good. Every once in a while I’ll listen to some country music but I can’t deal with all that cry baby crap, it’s gotta have some flavor in it. Soon as we pull in I see the Uncs sitting around drinking and arguing again. Them two old heads are forever bickerin’.

“Nah, she didn’t look at you she was watching me. I dunno what the hell you been smokin’ on but that Philly wanted me not your old ass.”

“Are you dumb or are you dumb? We’re twins, we the same age dummy. If I’m old, you old. Dumb ass. And she was looking at me. She even winked at me!”

I shook my head as I listened to them and their nonsense. They always think these women that come riding are trying to flirt with them. Then they argue bout who was flirting with who. I try to tune it out and continue unloading everything, trying to stay out of my own thoughts but that doesn’t last long with these two knuckle heads around.

“Hey boy! I thought only horses had long faces! You look like you swallowed a thought. You gonna sit there lookin’ constipated the whole time you picking’ through your shopping bags hmm?”

“Boy over there thinking’ bout something, I can smell it all the way over here. Brain cells just burnin’ away.”

“Would you two old fools leave him alone already. He’s heart broken. Let him brood in peace,” T’Jay snickered. I rolled my eyes as I continued to be the only one unloading this truck. I hate when he instigates these two menaces to society.

“Oh s**t. Drake over there in his feelings. He gonna start singing us a cry baby love song?”

“Boy, he look like he bout to drop a mixtape called Tears & Regrets. He sad enough to make onions cry!”

They’re laughing it up like they’re some comedic geniuses over there. I turn and stare them down while they continue rippin’ into me while T’Jay keeps egging them on. “Are y’all through? Did you get it all out your system? Can you go back to arguin’ over some chick that didn’t pay neither of you no mind?” T’Jay looks like he’s about to say something slick but I give him a look that says if he does he’ll regret it. Thankfully, he chooses to stay quiet. The old heads on the other hand don’t.

“What’s got your knickers in a twist boy?”

I rub my hand down my face not wanting to tell them nothing but of course T’Jay jumps right in. “Mrs. DeeDee’s daughter works for the development company that works with that rat David. Lover boy over here was following her all day trying to see why the town steers clear of her like she got the plague. Then David told him she’s part of the problem. Oh! And he found out David is her ex. I tried telling him he ain’t built for city girls but he don’t like listenin’.” I rolled my eyes again. He’s too on point but I ain’t diggin’ her like that. She’s not my type. I could never be with a city girl. The Uncs are staring at me and it’s so creepy when they do that whole twin thing. They move in sync as they study me. Then they start whispering to each other and I know this can’t end well for me. They’re probably going to start rippin’ into me again. But then they stop and look serious for once.

“Boy don’t you go messin’ with that girl. You leave her be. She done been through enough she don’t need neither one of you screw ups talking to her. If she works with that development company then she got her own problems she gotta deal with without y’all adding more to it. Let it alone and leave it be.”

“Yeah boy. You didn’t have a chance no how so best just mind your own and leave it alone.”

Now my curiosity has stirred once again. They know something they’re not telling. “I don’t like her like that. But y’all two ain’t slick, y’all know something. She come talk to you? Try to get y’all to sell? Town folk had her crying today. Serves her right for turning her back on this town. She comes over here you tell her to get, I mean it. She ain’t welcomed over here.” T’Jay sucked his teeth, “Man stop frontin’ I know you like her. Shiii her friend kinda aight too. You’d be lucky if she came over here. But man she ain’t gonna give you no time of day. You’re country as f**k. She is a city girl regardless if this her hometown. You can tell. I bet she can’t wait to trade in the boots for some expensive ass heels. She probably only goes for men that have at least seven figures in their bank account. Shorty look like she don’t get dirty for nothin’ and she’ll pitch a fit if her nails or hair get messed up. She ain’t it man. And I doubt she be the type to go against her moms. I personally don’t think she’s here to get no one to sell.” Part of me believes him and part of me thinks he’s full of s**t. The Uncs won’t stop staring at me with their creepy twin vibe and now T’Jay got the same expression on his face. Uuuuggghh. They all annoy me. “If the town didn’t make her cry because of her being with the development company, then why was she crying? They’re not just gonna make someone cry for no reason. s**t, most them people wouldn’t hurt a fly. So Mr. I got all the answers, tell me. What’s the deal?”

“Boy, you don’t know them people like you think you know them people. Most of ‘em faker than Dolly Parton’s chest. Not everything is what it seems and you should know that. That family is a good family. That girl will eventually find her way. But you better not go pokin’ around where you don’t need to be. Don’t you got chores to do or somethin’? TI wannabe you got chores too. Go on both y’all get. Tired of lookin’ at y’all.”

“Go on light brite. Go help your brother do some chores before he starts singing the blues. Y’all worse than mosquitoes, got my ass itchin’.”

T’Jay grabs some of the tools and parts I need and I grab the rest, then we head over to the tractor as the Uncs’ arguing gets softer as we get farther away. “You know, uncle Willie Earl gotta point. You don’t know them people like you think you know them people. You remember how many ‘bless your hearts’ Mommy used to pass out and how she could say something pretty and it was really something mean? Just remember y’all country folk like to be fake nice.” I side eye him for a second before replying, “You know, uncle LJ gotta point too. You’re a light brite that makes people’s ass itch.” He sucks his teeth at me again before taking a toothpick out his pocket and puts it in his mouth. “Get to work lover boy, before the real mosquitoes come.”