The Diary Of My Imminent Doom

Chapter 16

A/N

Okay, I hope I've fixed the dumb glitch that's making this show up in code, because I'm really tired of writing this stupid authors note every time. Wish me luck.

Enjoy! (not even gonna put the full snide remark about this)

17/9/15 (continued!)

Dear Diary,

"Singing," he deadpanned, obviously unimpressed. We all gave him wide, toothy grins, which probably didn't look that good because we all looked like homeless street children. Which, okay, we were for like four years, but that doesn't matter. We had a home. Technically, sure, Dr M owned it, but she let us use it, so yeah.

"Yup. Kesha," I added helpfully. You know, in case he didn't know the iconic song.

"I can tell," he replied dryly. Hey, just trying to be helpful, mon. That sounded Jamaican! I could totally pull off the green and red and yellow hat thing! Bob Marley, watch out.

Max got straight to the point. "So, I'm assuming you didn't just come down here to talk about Kesha?"

"No," he answered. "My dork brother wanted me to come shut you up." He reached into his pocket and started to fish around for something.

"So you're Toxic?" I inquired politely. He looked up from his pants-okay. That sounded really weird. Ignore that. He looked up from his pocket and met my gaze.

"How'd you know? Wait, nevermind. Teddy told you?" I nodded. "Jeez. That guy can't keep his bloody mouth shut." He managed to find a pack of Doritos (how he fit them in his pocket, I don't know. He must have super jumbo deluxe size pockets), and was now munching on them nonchalantly. Right in front of us hungry children, too.

"I can hear crunching. Who's got the Doritos?" Iggy asked loudly. Toxic shot him a surprised glance.

"How did you-"

"He's blind," I informed him. At his blank stare, I realized that didn't help. "He's got good hearing. Like a bat."

"Right," he replied skeptically. The van lapsed into an awkward silence again. Except for Toxic's Dorito crunching, which was seriously loud. I'm talking, like, German tank shooting loud. Not that I've ever heard one. Just assuming.

I decided to break the quiet. "Awwwwwkwaaaaard." Everyone's dull stares turned to me, and I didn't know what to do, so I just stood there staring at the ceiling so I wouldn't have to look at anyone else.

"Gazzy," Nudge began. "Why are you staring at the ceiling? Because you might get neck cramp, and then we might have to amputate it-"

"Nudge," Fang interrupted. "If you amputate his neck, then he'd die." Wow, thanks, guys. I'm feeling so loved right now. Really. I'm talking Justin Bieber level of love right now, because everyone's started liking him now for some weird, demented reason. I'd been hearing his dumb new songs everywhere. Like, one time me and Iggy went to IKEA to get some stuff for our house, and Let Me Love You was playing. Then, we wanted a refund because Fang wanted a black desk, so we had to go back and exchange it. And the same stupid song was playing. Why? Why do people play the same songs so much?

I'm ranting about Justin Bieber in my diary. I am officially reaching new lows.

"Well, maybe he wants to die," Nudge blurted lamely. I looked at her incredulously.

"Why would I want to die? I've nearly died plenty of times, thank you very much, and I don't intend on doing it any time soon. Full stop. Period. End of sentence." Iggy opened his mouth, and I kept talking before he could correct my grammar. "And yeah, Iggy, I know they all mean the same thing."

"Well, isn't that a relief," he drawled sarcastically. I stuck my tongue out at him, then scowled as I remembered he couldn't see it. "I'm sticking my tongue out at you."

I don't recommend saying that sentence. It just makes you sound like an i***t.

I stopped thinking about how dumb I was (which isn't a very happy thought process) when Toxic spoke up again.

"It's your lucky day. I'm busting you guys outta here." I don't think anyone heard him except for me, and I pressed my palms to my cheeks.

"What, why?"

He shrugged. "My brother's a total i***t. Bria's smart but she's just...well. Don't even get me started. Plus, I'm bored, and I need something to do."

I whooped, and bounced over to the exit. "Yo, you losers get off your butts and come on! We're getting outta here!" I yelled eloquently.

"What?" Max asked immediately. Oh, so now you pay attention.

"Toxic's letting us out of here," I repeated slowly. Her eyes rolled, and she turned to the rest of the flock.

"Group huddle. Right now." Everyone gathered in a corner, except for Toxic, who idled awkwardly by the door.

"I'll just..um, yeah," he said, stepping out of the van and closing the door. Our gazes turned from the door back to Max.

"We can't trust him." I rolled my eyes. Who would've guessed she'd say that? Not me, for sure!

"I'm with Max," Fang said. Will everyone quit with the predictable phrases? I mean, jeez.

"Why would he offer to let us go if he was on Ted's side when we're already captured? That wouldn't make any sense," Nudge pointed out.

"It could be a trap," Kaci said.

"How?" I asked.

"Maybe they're going to track us."

"But they already have us here. That would be dumb," I remarked.

"I dunno. It just seems dodgy."

"I say we go for it," Fang said. Dude, you just said you were with Max. You better explain yourself or you're toast.

"Why's that?" Max. Duh, Diary.

"Well," he said. "We've done stupider stuff. What's this gonna cost us?" He let that sink in, and Max finally nodded.

"Okay. Yo, Toxic! We're ready to escape now!" He slid the door open and jumped back in, shutting it behind him. If he brought out a knife, this'd be a perfect horror movie set. Just like my old room. Crap, why'd I think that? Now I'm getting paranoid.

"Great. Let's roll."

"What? Aren't you going to let us out of here?" Max demanded. A grin split his face.

"We are. We're going to steal the van." The van. We were going to steal the van. Again. We really needed to stop stealing vans.

But really Diary, why did none of us think of that sooner? Wow, we really were idiots.

"Of course we're stealing a van," Iggy muttered. "Last time we stole one just wasn't a good enough reason to stop." Oh, yeah. Last time we'd taken some poor shmucks van, we'd got mauled by Erasers and Iggy and I were the only ones to escape. But hey, I escaped! That was good enough for me.

"You're still not driving," Max told him gravely. He threw up his hands.

"Why the hell not? Surely I can't be worse than you." Ooh, burn.

"Why don't I drive?" Toxic suggested. "Because I actually have a license."

"That sounds like a plan! Great! Let's roll," Fang said loudly, directing Max and Iggy towards the back of the van.

"Hey ho, hey ho, stealing vans is a big no," I muttered quietly. Somehow, I didn't see this ending well. But maybe that's just me. No? Not just me? Thought so.

"Eighty-five bottles of beer on the wall, eighty-five bottles of beer," Iggy sang.

"For the hundredth time, shut up," Fang groaned, leaning his head back against the wall. Max was riding in front so Toxic didn't do anything he'd regret, so there was no one to tell us to quit being obnoxious. But Iggy was taking it too far.

"Take one down, pass it around-"

Fang interrupted again. "And smash it on Iggy's head so he'll freaking shut up." For some weird, unexplainable reason, it didn't make him be quiet.

"How about I Spy?" I snorted.

"Yeah. I'll start. I spy something beginnin-"

"You forgot the 'with my little eye'," Iggy pointed out. I glared at him.

"Really? I don't care. I spy something beginning with I."

"Iggy?"

"No, i***t," I replied.

"What a burn," Kaci drawled. I don't know how long we were driving for, but finally we pulled over. The door slid open, and Max stood there wielding cash.

"Anyone hungry?" We all leaped towards her, and she slammed the door before we could reach her, only leaving a crack so we could hear her. "There's a Maccas. I want two of you to come with me to help carry the food. So, who's it gonna be?"

"I'll come," I said before anyone else could.

Max shrugged. "Sure. Who else?" Nudge raised a hand.

"I'll get some vegetarian stuff, so I'll make sure I get what I want."

"I thought you were over that whole vege thing?" Iggy asked.

"I like not eating animals when I can. It's refreshing."

"So, Dr M's roast dinners?"

Nudge stared at him. "How could anyone turn down one of her meals? She's the best cook ever!"

"Well," Max interrupted. "Let's go. We're kinda parked illegally, so we gotta hurry. Plus this van doesn't have a proper number plate, or registration, so…"

"We'll get arrested if a cop car comes past," I supplied helpfully.

"You know, we've never been arrested before," Iggy mused. "We've committed more felonies than anyone, yet we've still got a clean record."

"So let's not make it a habit. Come on," Max said, and opened the door further. I jumped out, and was nearly blinded because of how bright it was.

"Holy crap!" I yelled, and turned back to the van. Which was white. "Agh!" I covered my eyes, and heard Nudge's snickering behind me. Bringing my arm down sheepishly, I looked at Max, who was glancing at me with raised eyebrows. "Uh, jeez. It's bright." Good job, Gazzy. That almost beats 'I'm sticking my tongue out at you'. We headed in, and the smell of fried food hit me. Ah, how I've missed that smell.

"Hi, how can I help you?" The cashier asked boredly. Nudge gave her vegetarian order, then Max and I stepped up. I really hoped we didn't make the store go out of stock.

"Hi," Max said sweetly. Then she started spurting orders, and the poor cashier had to try keep up.

"You want to order twelve burgers, two with no patty, five nuggets, ten milkshakes, five cokes, seven wraps and twenty large fries?" The guy confirmed. Max nodded.

"Yes, please."

"Ma'am, I don't think we're authorised to give out that much food-"

"We're paying," Max interrupted steely, arching one eyebrow.

"That's one hundred and five dollars, miss. I really would recommend cutting down your order," he insisted. This was really reminding me of that time ages ago when we got dinner from that place in New York. I looked up at Max.

"Maybe we should just leave it. Remember last time?"

"Last time, we were at a super expensive stuck-up restaurant run by snobby pricks. McDonald's is not a world class restaurant, so they should be able to just give us our order," she replied firmly. The guy at the counter was pressing a button on his screen thing.

"I'll give you half your order," he said. Max looked ready to argue, but I grabbed her arm.

"That's great, thanks." When the guy had gone to get the order ready, I added, "we might get arrested because of the stupid van, we don't need McDonald's kicking us out as well."

"I bet you're more worried about being kicked out of McDonald's than being arrested," Nudge said.

"What can I say? I love my Maccas." That caused both the girls' eyes to roll. Once we'd got our food, we headed back out to the van and got in. All was well until just after we'd finished our food. That just goes to show how important food is, kiddies. The van pulled over, and since there was a wall separating us we didn't know what was happening.

"What's up?" Fang asked no one in particular.

"I don't know. Maybe there was a firework display, or we're getting arrested just like Gazzy wanted-"

"Hey!" I protested. "I don't want to get arrested."

"Right. But what-" Suddenly the door slid open. I recognized the blue uniforms as soon as I saw them. Cops. Of course. With guns, because American popo just love shooting anything in sight.

"We have reason to believe that you have committed a criminal offence." Okay, that didn't make sense. What was the criminal offence? Did Max leave the parking brakes on? Because it wouldn't be the first time-"

"What? Why?" Iggy demanded.

"You were parked illegally at McDonald's, from which you tried to order large amounts of food. Your vehicle is unregistered. It is a white van, so it may be a kidnapping," the one on the left said. Were they serious? Sure, I'll give them the illegal parking. I'll give them the unregistered vehicle. But ordering too much food from McDonald's? Driving in a white van? What the heck?

"Ten bucks says these aren't real cops," Iggy whispered.

"Ya think?" I murmured back.

"Either way, you're coming with us."

"But this isn't a kidnapping!" Kaci protested. "And, even if it was, why would us people in the back be arrested for?"

"You were seen at the McDonald's-" Okay, I'm sorry, but I had to put this in. Why do people call it the McDonald's? Why not just McDonald's? Anyway. "-and you were willingly ordering. That means you are with them."

"Why would you think it was a kidnapping, then?" Nudge asked.

"Because, it is a white van," the one on the right put in. Again with the freaking white van! These people were ridiculous.

"You are coming with us," they said in unison, sounding slightly robotic. Maybe they were robots, it's not like that was a new phenomenon in our world.

"Maybe they're robots," Fang muttered.

"Any chance we can get outta here?" Iggy asked quietly. Just as we were contemplating that, four more cops stepped behind the others, holding Max and Toxic in choke holds. I wasn't overly concerned about Toxic, because he was Ted's brother, even if he bailed us out. But if Max was caught too…

"You have no choice."

"Are these idiots Flyboys?" Fang asked no one in particular.

"Wouldn't be surprised," Iggy mumbled back.

"Least surprising fact of the century," Nudge added.

"Which means we're screwed," I finished. We all exchanged glances, and seemed to come to a conclusion. Yep, without speaking. And we weren't Max and Fang, and Angel wasn't there! That's called skill, people.

As we jumped out of the van, I 'accidentally' tripped. One of the cops caught me, and his or her hand was solid metal. Okay, so maybe robots.

And that's how over ordering at McDonald's got us arrested by America's worst robot cops. That'll teach you kids to eat healthy and not get too much junk from Maccas. Even if their Chicken Bacon Deluxe is awesome. And their frozen cokes. And their chicken nuggets. And-

You get the point. Maccas is epic, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Gazzy out (because I'm signing out of my diary, now)