The Pains of Guilt

Chapter 14

Twilight POV

Not me forgetting that Etsuko is part of the council since she’s the Oracle. It’s a good thing I remembered and mind linked her before the meeting. But she did whine at me for some time.

During the meeting, in the so-called ‘Great Room’, everyone was reluctant to agree with my suggestion especially Mitsu's parents. But after explaining the entire situation and a crap ton of convincing, they agreed. I then mind linked the whole pack about this so they could vote on it. I’ve always wondered why it was called the ‘Great Room’ instead ‘Conference Room’ since there’s nothing really great about except that it’s where the pack’s higher ups have meetings. If anything, the Throne Room or Grand Hall should’ve been called the ‘Great Room’ but whatever. We’re all used to it so there’s no point in changing it.

"How could you?" Mitsu asked after the meeting.

"In case you haven't noticed, it's the only solution there is and he agreed to it himself. I don't see what the problem is."

"Of course you don't because you didn't think about how I'd feel knowing that my best friend is going to torture my mate. I know you're looking out for me but just because your first and second mates betrayed you doesn't mean that mine's the same."

Wow, I expected this from Matako and anyone else actually but not Mitsu. It kind of hurt. Actually, it hurt a lot. I hate playing the victim but I felt betrayed, backstabbed even. A look of realisation crossed her face.

"Oh no, I didn't mean..."

"It's fine. And for the record, I did consider your feelings. I could've gotten rid of him like any other Rogue but I didn't and even gave him a choice. He made his decision without my influence. And I gave him my word him that I'd lessen the harshness." I said before leaving.

I went to my office to tell... I just realised that I don't know his name. When I got in, I found him looking at a photo. Or at least I think it was one.

"Snooping is rude, you know."

"I wasn't snooping; I was just trying to read one of the books on your shelf to pass the time. Is this your mate?"

I took a good look at it and saw that it was a photo of Takumi and I. I wonder where he found it because I specifically remember burning all of them. Except one of his face that once I taped to a pillow that I stabbed the hell out of. That pillow pretty much became my stress reliever. I haven't used it in a while though.

"That's not important and where did you find it?"

"Between one of your books. Why?"

"Just curious because I don't remember putting it anywhere in here."

"I must say, for an adult, you have an awful lot of manga. How did it go?"

"After a lot of debating, convincing and/or arguments amongst themselves, everyone agreed to my suggestion."

"I don't mean to be forward but are you alright? You seem upset."

"I'm fine. Anyway, I'll show you to your room for tonight and a little heads up, there'll be guards outside of it. So I suggest you behave and starting tomorrow morning, the torture begins. Don't worry, you'll get three meals a day and water when you need it. I may be harsh but I'm not cruel."

"How long will it last?"

"Now that, I can't tell you. It’d ruin the fun. But I will tell you that it's from sunrise until sunset. By the way, how long ago was your pack attacked?”

“Today makes it the third day.”

“How many were in your pack?”

“About 50 or so.”

“I see. Before I forget, what's your name?"

"Shin. Shin Saito."

"I hope you live up to it."

I gave him a room in the north wing, it was secluded enough. I gave the guards strict instructions not to let anyone in without my permission and to let me know if there's a problem.

I then went back to my room, trying as best as possible to avoid bumping into Mitsu. Once inside and making sure I locked the door so a certain someone wouldn't bust in, I sunk to the floor and did what I considered to be the worst thing ever. I cried my eyes out. Is it weird that I hate crying? It's like the second thing that I hate the most. Mostly because it’s draining and causes more crying if that makes senses.

Then I felt something trying to get itself onto my lap before tiny hands were wiping my tears away.

"Please don't cwy, Mama. Me also get sad."

That simple gesture and those words brought back a certain memory. For a second I didn't see Natsumi in front of me, instead, I saw Takumi. I could feel more tears flowing down my cheeks and I hugged Natsumi.

"Don't worry about me. As long as you're fine then I'm fine too, ok?"

"Ok." She hugged me back.

I wondered how she got in because I could've sworn that I locked the door.

"How did you get in?" I asked and wiped my face.

"Was hewe befowe Mama came in."

"Oh. Wait, did you climb out of your crib again?"

Her eyes found their way to her feet.

"Yes." She mumbled.

"Look." I sat her on my lap and cradled her in my arms. "It's not a bad thing that you can do it and I know that I can't stop you from doing it because you like to and you can't help it. But please be careful when you try it again or call for help when you get stuck because I love you and I don't want you to get hurt, ok?" I kissed her forehead.

"Ok." She hugged me again. And then I heard a stomach growling.

"Looks like someone's hungry. How about we go and get those McDonald's chicken nuggets you like so much?"

"Yes yes yes."

"Then let's get going." I picked her up and carried her on my shoulders.

The next day, I took Shin to the dungeons. He was chained to the ceiling. The first torture was a full hour of being whipped every two hours.

I lifted it up behind my head and brought it down against his chest with about half of my full force. Then I struck his stomach, then his back and so on. I moved around him while striking him. He did well but I wondered if he'd be able to handle the rest of the day.

When his two-hour break was over, I headed back to pick up where I left off. It was the last hour for the day. Oddly enough, every hit was satisfying. I must admit, it was also a major turn on. Is it weird that I kinda wish that I had a mask on? Probably not, at least, not by my standards anyway. Next thing I know, I'm not showing any mercy and using full force. It felt as if a little bit of weight was being lifted off my chest with every blow. I wanted to stop but I couldn't, mostly because I was imagining that he was Takumi.

"That's quite enough, Alpha." I heard Luna say.

"The hour isn't up." I replied.

"It is. In fact, it ended half an hour ago. He passed out well over fifteen minutes ago."

"I didn't realise."

"A word of advice, this isn't the way to deal with your problems. Even if it does feel satisfying. You're dangerously close to traveling down a dark path and you'll end up losing yourself and others if you continue like this."

Before I could say anything, she disappeared. I guess she's right. I looked at the unconscious Shin and couldn't help feeling guilty for taking it out on him like that. He's never done anything wrong to me and yet I took all my s**t out on him. I think it's time I bust out the stress pillow. Luckily, he was still breathing and only had deep red marks all over him. I was glad that he wasn't bleeding. The guards took him back to his room, I told them to be gentle and then got one of the doctors to check and treat him if there were any serious injuries and let me know when he wakes up.

I spent who-knows-how-long in my office thinking about what I did. I kept wondering what would've happened if Luna didn't stop me.

"Uh...Alpha, did you hear me?"

I looked up to see Dr. Fumiko. I must have zoned out. It looked like she's been here for a while.

"Sorry, I zoned out. Did you need something?"

"He's awake."

"Were there any serious injuries?"

"No but it'll take some time for him to heal."

I breathed a sigh of relief.

"I see. Thanks."

She gave a quick nod before leaving. I made my way to his room. I found him sitting up in bed.

"I came to tell you that the next torture is self-isolation in here for the next three days. Think of it as an apology for not keeping my word."

"No kidding, you really gave me a run for my money. I'm going to let my curiosity get the better of me and ask if you were taking you were taking out all your frustrations on me."

"You could say that."

"Does it have to do with you being upset yesterday?"

"I wasn't upset."

"If you say so. Are you a dominatrix by any chance?"

"Why do you ask?"

"Don't take this the wrong way but I couldn't help noticing how the scent of your arousal got stronger with every hit."

Great. I exposed my not so normal kink to someone I barely know. My day just keeps getting better and better.

"Let's pretend that it never happened. You know, you're just as nosy as Mitsu. I can see why you're paired up."

"And what about you and your mate?"

"Who said that I have one?"

"You have a pup, don't you?"

"How do you know?"

"Well, anyone would think that if they set foot into your office for the first time. It's actually more like a playroom with all those toys and baby stuff lying around.”

To be fair, keys and her own toes aren't good enough as a distract anymore. And it doesn't always look like this. Usually, everything is packed into a corner, that is until Natsumi gets her hands on them. In which case, the place becomes a playroom. Why she likes coming in here to play with her toys or take a nap is and forever will be beyond me because she also doesn't know.

“And also, your guards are pretty chatty. They were talking about a pup with so much admiration that made it obvious that they were talking about an Alpha’s pup. Besides, when you first brought me here, we passed by two pups playing and one of them had the same eye colour as you. I thought it was a coincidence until I saw that photo and noticed that she looked a lot like the guy in it."

"I’m impressed by your observation skills. It makes me wonder of your position in your pack.”

“I was the Gamma.”

“Why not Beta? You seem to have the potential.”

“I’m not one to care about things like getting high positions.”

“I see. Anyway, having a pup doesn't necessarily mean having a mate as well."

"True but you don't seem like a loose woman, more like someone who'd give herself only to her mate. Why do you always avoid answering when I ask about your mate?"

If only you knew. Which I'd rather you don't.

"Because it's not important, obviously. And you're being nosy again."

"I prefer to call it being curious.

Cue eye roll.

"You're definitely going to fit in with her family." I sighed.

"Lucky me."

"And just so you know, I had one." Well two, not that you need to know.

"I see. You don't have to answer but is he, you know, dead?"

"To me he is and that's all I'm going to tell you." I left him to recover then went to my room.

When I got there, I flopped onto my bed. I didn’t realise how tired I was until now. I think I’ll take a quick nap. I was about to do just that until there was a knock on the door.

“Gummy Bear, can I come in?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re not ok, are you?” He sat on the bed.

“How did you know?”

“I’ve been your dad for over two decades so knowing is basically second nature.”

“Right.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Later.”

“Alright but just remember that Papa Wolf is always here for you if you ever need anything.” He patted my head.

“I know but I kind of want to take a nap right now. I feel really tired.”

“I’ll leave you to it then. Do you want me to tuck you in?”

“I think I’m a little too old for that.”

“True but in my eyes, you’ll always my little Gummy Bear no matter how old you get. How about for old time’s sake?”

“Ok then.”

That’s my dad for you, always knowing how to make me feel better.