The Pains of Guilt

Chapter 1

Twilight POV

I was out visiting a pack that was three hours away. Natsumi was restless even with the minion plushie that she can't live without so I had to take her with. On the way back, I stopped at a gas station in a nearby city to stretch my legs and use the restroom. Just as I was heading back to the car, I bumped face first into someone and landed on my ass. I wished I had looked where I was going.

"I'm sorry, Miss. I didn't see you there." Someone said and helped me up.

"It's fine. I was the one who wasn't looking where she was going." Like an i***t.

To top it all off, Tis repeating "mine" and "mate" kept ringing in my ears. I guess I did feel those little sparks during that brief moment of contact when I bumped into him and his strangely familiar scent was drawing me in a little so I guess he is. Hell no, I wasn't going to deal with this again. Seriously, who the hell is out to get me? I tried to not look at him to sort of minimise the impact these feelings and I almost succeeded. Almost because I caught a glimpse his blonde quiff haircut and five o'clock shadow.

"Anyway, I really should get going. Again, sorry for bumping into you."

I darted away before he could say anything and before I looked at him a little more, hopefully I'd never have to see him again. Although, I didn't examine his face properly and kind of don't really know what he looks like. I'd probably run into him again but I'd rather take my chances. Sorry dude, it's not you it's me. Although it might be you in the future so I'm not taking any chances. I promised myself that I'd never let Tis get hurt again and I plan to keep that promise even if she’ll whine at me for this.

We weren't even on the road for five minutes when...

"Pawk! Pawk, Mama! Pawk!"

I wasn't in a hurry to get back and it does mean extra time to rest so I don't see why not.

"Ok, just for a few hours."

I parked nearby and took her out of her car seat and unleashed her to play as much as she wanted.

We've been here for over an hour when some guy walked up to me. Thankfully, he wasn't my so-called mate.

"Hey, I couldn't help noticing you sitting all alone." Oh crap, I know where this is going. If this is what's going to happen every time I take Natsumi to a park outside the pack, then I might as well wear a paper bag over my head whenever I do. "A beautiful lady such as yourself shouldn't be by herself. How about you and I..."

"Mama, Mama." Natsumi came running to me. "When Papa coming?"

He's not actually coming and she knows too. Hell, she's never even met him. I wonder...

"He said he'd be here in about five minutes." I turned to the random dude. "Sorry about that, you were saying?"

"Never mind." He walked away.

"Did good, Mama?"

"Yes, you did."

I don't know how she was able to pick up on my lack of interest towards that guy but I'm glad she did.

We were heading back to the car when I was stopped by a familiar voice.

"Twi-chan, long time no see." It was Sora.

"Oh hey. I haven't seen you in a long time. How's it going?"

"Adult life sucks, it's nothing but work and bills to pay. I wish I was still a kid."

Then she noticed Natsumi. Great.

"Is she..."

"Yep."

"I'm so happy that I have a cute, little niece now. She looks a lot like him, that's for sure."

Her reaction wasn't really surprising.

"You probably already know this but we're not exactly on speaking terms. I haven't seen or heard from him in three years and I'd like to keep it up."

"Oh? Does he at least know about her?" She gestured towards Natsumi.

"No."

"Well just a thought but whatever beef you guys have with each other shouldn't involve your kid. She should at least meet her father just once. And even if you don't want her to at least tell him that he has a kid. Even though he's my little bro and it's my duty as his big sis to protect him, I won't tell him because I think it's better if you're the one that tells him."

"I'll think about that. It was nice seeing you again.

"Oh and before you leave, can I visit her sometimes? I'd like to get to know her."

"Sure. I'll be available this weekend so we can meet up if you have time."

"That'll be cool." She waved goodbye before leaving.

When we got back, Etsuko wanted to see me.

"Twilight, I have two messages for you. One, choose wisely and two, you're not forsaken."

"I really wish that they weren't so vague."

"You're not the only one. The others constantly ask me what the messages I deliver to them mean. I get messages and it doesn't always involve their meaning as well. "

"Can you do some scrying and find a clue on what they mean?"

"I'll see what I can do."

Later...

"Alex, don't you think it's time you give your people a Queen? You're about to be 25, don't you already have someone in mind?"

"Shouldn't you give your people their Emperor?"

"Touché. But I'm serious."

"So am I." He took my hands in his. "How about you be my Queen?"

"Uh...you're kidding...right?"

I mean, he has to be. There's no way he's serious, right?

"No and I don't see why not. You already know how I feel about you so you shouldn't be surprised."

"I... well...I know and... it’s..." Kill me now, I must sound like a freaking i***t right now. "Uhm...I'm flattered but you do know that I have a child, right?"

"What's the problem with that?"

"Don't most men usually want a woman who doesn't already have one?"

"What makes you think that?"

"I... actually, I don't know. I guess from a logical perspective, I thought you wouldn't be too keen on the idea of raising another man's child. And to be honest, that's the line I've been using to turn away guys who ask me out and believe it or not, it works."

"I'm not most men and I don't mind. Even if you had kids with thirty different men, it'd be a little weird but it also wouldn't change my feelings. And that’s because it won’t change who you are and I happen to like who you are. I know that things didn't work out in your previous relationship and it's clear that it had a huge impact on you so I won't pressure you but please consider it."

I mean, he's not wrong. Last time I trusted a guy who told me something similar to that, I ended up mateless and pregnant. I've known Alex long enough to know that he wouldn't do something like that but that's exactly what I thought last time and again, look where that got me. I guess I'll give him the benefit of the doubt; it's not like I have anything left to break anyway.

"I'll think about it. But I should warn you that you might end up hurt because I don't believe in love and it's dead to me. Love is too much of a hassle. As well as troublesome and complicated. And quite frankly, I'm better off without it. I'm saying it not to chase you away but so that you don't take me not reciprocating your feelings personally. I know there's someone out there who'll give you all the love and affection that you deserve and more and I'm sorry but it's not me. For all you know, she might be closer than you think and I don't want to take that away from her, or him. I won't judge. But if you can honestly say that you haven't developed feelings for anyone by the end of the year then, maybe I'll give it a shot."

"I guess I'll think about that too. Anyway, I should get going." He said before leaving.

"Why didn't you accept it? We all know how smitten he is towards you and he doesn't hide it either. And I think you've been single long enough." Mitsu said.

"It's not about being single, you know. And I don't think it'd be fair on him. I mean, I'm pretty much used goods."

"If he had a problem with it then he wouldn't have made you that offer. And it's not like it'll complicate things between your kids. Natsumi will take over after you since she's your first born and your second born, aka his first born, will take over after him. See, no complications unlike if Natsumi didn't exist. And you also deserve to be happy."

"I said that I'd think about it and you're already thinking about kids. You have a serious problem; you know that? And that's really not what I'm worried about. My happiness doesn't matter anyway. I don't think it ever did otherwise things wouldn't have turned out the way they did. And besides, the only happiness I need is Natsumi."

"Don't think like that. I'm sure that soon enough you'll find someone else who makes you happy."

"That's some optimism you got there."

"I'm just looking out for the Alpha as Betas should."

 "Sky and I can barely keep up." Ayaka came in.

"Baby troubles?"

"It always is. I know it's only been a week but I feel like I'm going to have a mental breakdown at any second. How did you ever manage to do it on your own?"

"The perks of being stubborn, I guess."

"Any chance you have a baby translator so I can decipher the meaning of his crying when he wakes?"

"Unfortunately, no."

"Too bad, I really could use one. You don't mind if I pass out on the couch, right?"

"Go ahead."

"Cool."