Chapter 1
1236 Words
Chapter 1: I'll Be By Your Side
I won't ever forget that particular night.
Kakatapos ko lang maligo ng matigilan ako sa sunod sunod na katok sa pintuan ng aking apartment. Wala naman akong naalalang babaeng ikakama ko ngayong gabi. I wonder who it is.
But I would never thought na sa pagbukas ko ng pinto, Akio's devastated look would be the one behind the door. May dala dala siyang malaking bag at walang kabuhay buhay ang aura.
"A-Aki?" tawag pansin ko ditto dahil tila nakatulala lang ito sa aking mukha.
Since the day that we started to converse, I succeeded to be friend with him. Pero hanggang doon lang ‘yun. Ayokong alamin. Ayokong tanggapin. Kung kaya't mas maraming babae akong kinakama tuwing gabi kompara dati. But no matter what I do, I really like him. And crap, I would never thought that he'll be the one to bring out this side of me that I never knew na meron ako.
Bisexuality.
"I'm sorry, Sai. But would you let me barge at your place for a while?"
He really look so miserable that night that I want him to say anything that is going on at his mind. If what is he thinking? Is he hurt? What happened? I want him to be weak. I want him to show his weakness na hindi niya pa naipapakita sa iba. Sa akin lang. I want to wrap him up on my arms. Pour his everything to me.
"At first, I don't really care if whoever stepbrother I'm going to have. Well, I won't deny the fact that having a stepbrother is not bad since ako lang naman ang anak ni Mommy." he started off in between our alcohol session.
The answer to my questions resurfaced. Confirmed.
He is in love with his stepbrother.
"But you know, I would never think that he could be that cute calling me kuya and doing everything to have a bond with me. At first, I like it when he calls me kuya, but lately I don't like it. Even him calling others kuya and being mushy with others I don't like it. I wonder why? And then I realized that he is not just a stepbrother to me anymore. He is different to those bitches I play around with. I want him."
Hearing him saying those words gave throbbing pain at my chest. What to do Akio? This is bad. I am not different with you. I want you too for myself and you suddenly walked here in my territory unguarded.
"So you mean to say…" pambibitin ko.
He suddenly looked serious. Pinaglaruan niya ang yelo sa alak na iniinom habang mataman na nakatitig doon.
"I fell in love with him Sai. I fell in love with my stepbrother." direkta at walang preno niyang pag-amin sa aking harapan.
Oh crap. It hurts you know.
And thus, I let him stay at my apartment. At school he act like he doesn't care at the presence of his stepbrother but when it is just the two of us, he would always tell over and over again how much he miss him. Seriously, it was a torture at my part - hearing him say that every night in front of me. Expressing his one sided love to his stepbrother. It is really a kill.
But nevertheless, as long as he stays with me nothing else matter. I'll do anything to make you look at me. Want me more Akio hanggang sa ako at ako na lang ang kakailanganin mo. Be familiar with my presence na kung wala ako, hahanap hanapin mo.
Dahil sa ayaw niyang malaman ng kinakapatid ang pagmamahal niya dito, he choose to leave him. Dahil sa palagay niya na gusto lang talaga ng kapatid niya na maging kapatid sa kaniya ay lumayo siya. Which is favorable to me dahil sa puntong ‘yun akin siya.
He stopped playing with girls pati na rin ako. And I came up with a suggestion to him.
"Why not go out with me?" I said sa gitna ng pag-inom namin. Lately, every night, this is our set-up.
"What the hell Sai?" he said then laugh. Pero pinakita ko sa kaniya na seryoso ako. "You serious?" ani niya ng makitang hindi ako nagbibiro.
"Look. It's not that I have a feelings to you or anything, but if this will help para mapabilis ang paglimot mo sa nararamdaman mo sa kinakapatid mo then…" Lie. I really do have feelings for you.
"But we are both guy…" mahina niyang ani.
"Really now! ‘Yan ba talaga ang sasabihin mo samantalang may gusto ka sa kinakapatid mong lalaki? C'mon Aki, I'm trying to help here." natatawa kong sabi. I heard him sigh then looked at me seriously. That look is where he is most handsome.
"Sai, kaibigan kita at alam kong straight ka. Dahil lang sa nararamdaman ko ay aabot ka sa ganiyang tulong. No. I don't want to take advantage of you. Sapat na ang tulong mong pagpapatuloy sa akin dito and I'm really thankful enough for that, really."
Wrong. I am the one taking advantage here. I sighed too.
Crap. Feeling ko na busted na kaagad ako. That's why I don't want you to know. Ganito lang din ang kalalabasan. I'm really no match with the stepbrother, huh?
"Okay bahala ka. I tried to help pero ikaw din ang ayaw. But if you'll change your mind, my offer got no expiration you know." ani ko pa sabay kindat. We both laughed.
Because you know, it'll only expire if you say to me directly that you don't need me anymore. That you don't need someone to listen to your talks anymore. Because as long as you seek for me, I'll still hope that you'll grab my offer.
We remained friends. We remained with that set up. Him, loving his stepbrother while me, waiting and hurting in silent.
But that night came.
Two days before our night camp, we drank to our hearts content till midnight. We drank until our consciousness clouded. We drank so much that our desires stir up. Though, his desire is clearly different from mine.
Alam kong pagsisisihan niya ‘to pagka umaga. Alam kong hihingi siya ng pasensiya at sasabihing hindi niya sinasadya. Then there is me who will act like nothing happened. And will jokingly say na kalimutan niya na lang ‘yun dahil pareho kaming lasing. Forget like nothing happened.
But I should be the one saying sorry to him. Because of my hunger to him, I let it happened. Because I badly want him, sinadya kong mangyari ‘yun. Dahil alam ko sa huli, hindi pa rin ako ang pipiliin niya.
Kahit ‘yun lang. Kahit iyon manlang na alaala ang maiwan sa akin. Even just for a night I want to feel him. I want to feel his warmth. I want to feed my heart kahit sa sandali lang na iyon. Ayokong masaktan sa huli na wala manlang akong nagawa. Na wala manlang alaala ni Akio ang maiwan sa akin.
I'm sorry Aki. But I just really love you.
That night we cross our line. It was a night that we drown ourselves with pleasure. We held each other all night and the ecstasy that he gave me engraved deep inside me. That alone made me happy.
I'll give him up someday with no regrets. But just for this night, you're mine.
- Writer
