Psychosis

Desolation Row {1/2}

My left foot dug into the soil before me. I breathed deep and looked over at my kids from the starting line. Alex was cheering and Sophie was sitting in Ethan's lap. I exhaled and focused my eyes forward. It would be my first mud run of the year and I was pumped. I breathed again, deeper this time, forcing air to push the boundaries of my lungs. I breathed as deeply as I could, I breathed until it hurt.

My faded black running shoes didn't have strings, they were pull-ons with elastic crisscrossing over the tongue. The brand name was written in pink cursive, nestled on the tongue and right above the top line of elastic. I'd paid forty-five dollars for them and they weren't super comfortable, but they stayed on and were resilient.

Black athletic socks were covering the spaces between the edges of my shoes and my dark gray leggings. I wore a black tank top that I had just bought about twenty minutes before, and on it was a bright blue and green logo for the particular event I was at. My hair was up in a tight bun.

I breathed again and exhaled as the horn sounded for the race. The first obstacle was a six-foot-high wall nestled in a mud pit. The course was only a mile long, but it would satisfy my craving for success until the next event in August.

I bolted for it, leaping over the mud and latching onto the top of the wall. I had put on some pounds over the winter break but it didn't stop me. My adrenaline was running high enough that I was mentally stronger than my body. Over the wall, I went into knee-deep mud. I clawed my way out and onto the slick path. About fifteen feet of muck lay ahead of me before the next obstacle, which included a rope climb up onto a wooden tower, only to cross a ten-foot opening to another tower by using a rope connecting the two.

With some struggle and one good falling plop into the mud below, I finally got across and was onto the next challenges.

At nearly an hour in and two-thirds done with the course, I found myself at a watering table, facing one of the best obstacles ever built. Another wall, a full rock climb while covered in mud, was the only one in the course that was legitimately optional. At the top was a laminated note card stating that you climbed the wall successfully. You turn it in at the end of the race for an ‘Above-and-Beyond’ coin, commemorating your optional challenge. But it wasn't just a rock climb up, it was one down too.

I wasn't at all concerned, I got my fat ass up the wall and pocketed my card. Smug and beside myself at my victory, I jumped from the ledge.

I should have been concerned.

The ground at the bottom was solid and my right leg crumpled under me like it was an unsuspecting empty shoebox being crushed by the ass of a fat guy who didn't see the box on the couch and couldn't catch himself because of the soda in one hand and plate of food in the other.

Rest in peace, shoebox.

It made an audible snapping sound. Remember the first time you ever cracked a glow stick?

Good times.

I fell back, immediately in shock over what had just happened. I looked down. My right foot had popped inwards and I could see something bulging under my sock right next to my outer ankle. I looked up and around, the world slowed down a bit from the start of the course. An older gentleman with orange hair stopped and asked if I was alright.

"I think I just broke my foot."

Why the f**k are you so calm?

"Oh no, here let me help! I was a Sergeant in the Marines, served for fifteen years, we need to get ice on it." He scurried over, I couldn't tell what he was wearing because of the mud. He pulled my shoe off and it hurt like a motherfucker, then peeled away my sock and there it was, game over. My foot was already turning purple and gray, what looked like a bone was sticking out, like a second ankle.

"I have to finish the course." I got myself up, using the wall as leverage.

You’re a f*****g i***t.

"I can get someone to help us to the last watering station but past that I can't let you go any further. You need to go to the emergency room." He looped his arm around my waist and waved down a tall burly man who was nearby.

"Hey, buddy, what's your name?" The Sergeant had an old southern accent.

"Aaron." He jogged over to us and looked me up and down. He was about six-foot-four inches and an easy two-hundred and fifty pounds of solid muscle. He was bald with a clean-cut black goatee, wearing basketball shorts, a popular brand of sneakers, and an event t-shirt.

"Alright, Aaron, this young lady here named-" the Sergeant looked at me.

"Oh, uh Kara, my name is Kara." I looked between the men. The Sergeant was about my height and somewhat frail-looking compared to the beefcake standing next to us.

Aaron spoke this time, a deep voice pouring from his mouth as if it had its own weight. "Hi, Kara. What happened?"

"I jumped off the wall and my ankle gave."

"I can carry you, where do you need to go?" He bellowed. I thought to myself that he absolutely could, ‘I'm only five-foot-three and about a hundred pounds less than him.’

"I want to finish the course."

"I mean, you can ride on my back if you can handle it." His right eyebrow arched at me questionably.

"f**k yeah, let's do it." I giggled almost maniacally at the blunt pain radiating through my foot and up my leg to my knee. He kneeled in front of me. Right leg first, gently, and then I hopped up with my left and hoisted myself onto his shoulders.

It felt like I was riding a bear into battle. There were moments when my foot got bumped and others when I had to use all of my own strength to hang on while he completed obstacles.

We rested for a couple of minutes at the final watering station before the last obstacle, which was two hundred feet of mud that we had to crawl through. I wouldn't be able to ride on his back through it, I'd have to complete it myself.

My adrenaline was rushing to say the very least. I shook the nerves and tried not to move my right leg. I laid down under the ropes and in the mud then used my arms to drag my body and left leg to push myself along. Not using my dominant leg sucked ass but I didn't pay $100.00 just to tap out with two-hundred feet left.

Approximately half of the contestants had passed me and gotten their little medals. I wouldn't get one, but I would get a certificate of completion and my coin. I was tired, I was hot, dirty, and damaged. The shade was heavier on my back. I thought about him. That man I made those kids with.

‘How ridiculous of me.’ I thought.

The shade responded, ‘He left you alone in this mess you call life, how pathetic you must feel to struggle like you do, to have ever trusted another human being. I wonder, what makes you think this one won’t disappear in a simi-’

“Shut the f**k up.” I interrupted it and shoved its voice out of my mind. Looking ahead, there were about a hundred feet left to go. I pulled myself forward again, letting out a loud growl. I could hear Aaron yell at me from up ahead.

"Hey if it's too much I can get you a medic!"

"Nope, I think I'm good!" I was most certainly not good, tearing up from sheer agony. My ankle felt like fire and the pain swelled through my entire leg. I can do this. Just a bit further. More people were passing me. I pushed myself out of the mud, I was short enough under the ropes to crawl on my hands and knee.

Breathing hurt. My arms, legs, stomach, back - everything on my body was sore. Then, I heard it, distant at first but once I zeroed in on where it was coming from, I felt like some of my strength returned.

Alex and Ethan were cheering for me at the finish line. My heart throbbed. How did I get so fortunate? I chuckled. Groaning through the last stretch, I was one of the last twenty people to finish, out of two-hundred. As soon as I got my body over the finish line, I rolled onto my back, a whole new meaning to the word exhausted. Ethan ran to me with the kids and some water.

"Babe you did so great!" He kneeled with Sophie, and Alex sat on the ground next to my head.

“Yeah, let me just show you how great I did.” I pushed myself up onto my elbows and looked down at my ankle. “f**k me, I think it's broken.”

"What happened?!"

“I’m just an idiot.” Rolling onto my side, I pulled my ‘Above-and-Beyond’ card out of my side pocket and flashed it a bit at Ethan. “Note to self, don’t jump off of a tower the same height as a roof.” I smirked at him.

“You f*****g what?”

Before Ethan had gotten an opportunity to hunt down a medic, Aaron had made his way back over to us and relayed that the people organizing the event were getting it taken care of. Eventually, two guys came to my rescue and asked me what happened, if I was okay, how bad the pain was, if I had taken any drugs, etc. They asked me if I could sit up, and if I needed help, I said yes and yes. They assisted me with sitting up and then together, with one guy under each arm and one of their arms under each knee, they lifted me up and put me on the stretcher.

I'm not a fan of South Baldwin Regional Medical Center. Some of their departments are great but the ER needs work. They brought me in, found me a room, stuck me in it, and left me there. A nurse stopped by at one point and said they were gonna take me for x-rays eventually. About thirty minutes passed and the radiologist poked her head in and asked if I was who I am. I confirmed. She was short and thin, with bony wrists and long straight chocolate-colored hair. I was still dirty.

She pushed me in a wheelchair down the halls and we took a couple left turns and one right turn and she asked me if I was okay to get on the platform so she could take pics of my foot. I didn't ask how many images she got. My jaw clenched every time she repositioned me.

We didn't chat much. She asked what had happened and I told her I jumped off a wall in a mud run and broke it on my landing. She put me back in my room and I climbed back onto the bed, a dirt imprint of my body settling around me. My pulse was loud against the injury and I'm sure if my bone could scream, it would.

A doctor and a nurse threw the curtain open and interrupted my thoughts. The nurse asked me if I was who I am. I confirmed.

"Good news, I'm Doctor So-And-So, your tendon came off the bone. We're gonna treat it like a sprain and get you all bandaged up. Here's a script for five-hundred milligrams of naproxen." He was an attractive man on the short side and looked to be of Hispanic descent with slicked-back black hair.

They were gone just as quickly as they'd arrived. A different nurse came in the next time with a wheelchair and said they were going to get me bandaged and discharged. Asked if I was who I am. I confirmed.

I was pushed into a room that was through two other rooms and a really buff male nurse with highlighted spiked hair was sitting at the desk in said room. The desk was in the corner next to another door. This felt like a big closet.

He asked if I was who I am. I confirmed. He got up out of his chair and asked what happened while he disappeared into the other door. His head peeked back around before I could answer and asked what my shoe size was. Yet again, before I could answer he looked at my foot and guessed a size nine.

"Yeah, nine is about right." I sank down into the wheelchair. Expecting the next part to hurt. Can you tell I’m not fond of hospitals?

He came back with a black medical boot. It was full-sized and looked a lot like something I might find in a b**m torture chamber. He was surprisingly gentle about putting it on.

"You undo the straps and undo the velcro padding and slip your foot in and then you close this piece and this piece then put the straps through and don't strap it too tight but tight enough, know what I'm sayin’?"

I did, his demonstration was well-rehearsed.

He wheeled me out into the waiting room and my friend Sue was sitting there looking worried. Sue was the kind of girl who tried to be inconspicuous about her affection, but if you pay well enough attention, you can see her love for people leak through the cracks. If anyone in the world deserved Heaven, it's Sue. She was a couple of inches shorter than me and well-rounded. A small waist and a great ass and boobs like big soft clouds. She always smelled like springtime honeysuckles. Freckles were strategically splattered on her button nose, straight silky orange hair laying on her shoulders and tucked behind her ears. Thin framed rounded rectangle glasses hugged her soft face. A necklace from her husband and a ring from her grandmother and a bracelet from me.

Sue was the human personification of spring.

She stood up and frowned at me. "What the f**k happened? What did you do?"

"Did Ethan not tell you?"

"He told me you got hurt at the mud run but seriously, Kay, what the FUCK." She looked up at the nurse, he was trying not to laugh. "I've got her, thanks."

"Here are her crutches and discharge papers." He was gone again.

I muttered after him. "The staff here is like nothing but ghosts."

"Don't change the subject." She grabbed my papers and waited for me to get up and get situated on the crutches.

They were most certainly NOT comfortable either.

"What the hell, babe." She was upset, and I felt awful because I was the root of it.

I hobbled and she walked, we crossed the parking lot outside to her little blue car and talked. Rather, she scolded me. "Do you have any idea how worried I was? Are you okay? How did you even break your ankle? What are we going to do?"

"Babe, it's okay. They said I treat it like a sprain, the paperwork says I can get off the crutches in a week. Wear the boot for another two weeks, then I should be fine." I was flipping through the papers while in the passenger seat. "I'm sorry I worried you."

She frowned again as we pulled into my driveway. Her soft fingers reached over and took my hand. She looked at me, her face heavy with emotion yet still filled with grace. How could a creature be so beautiful? Her hands were cold. I was still dirty.

I sat up straighter and pressed my forehead against hers. "How did I ever get so lucky to have such an incredible woman looking after me?" I wiggled my nose against hers in an Eskimo kiss and grinned wide at her.

She pursed her lips a bit and studied my expression for a second or two. "I wish you'd be more careful. What happened?"

"I jumped off of an obstacle and messed up my ankle when I landed."

She shut the car off. "I'm gonna walk you in." She came around to my side and opened the door. I put my crutches out first and then got out myself. My boot was heavy and my foot was sore, but better with being stabilized. I made my way into the house, almost falling on the two steps going up to the porch. After I was finally inside, I tried to get comfortable for a few minutes before hopping in the shower. Ethan had driven my car back with the littles, both kids were napping. I think it was only about four in the afternoon. Sue hugged me and kissed my cheek and then left without much of a goodbye.

Ethan sat next to me. "How are you feeling, my little cripple?"

"Ahahaha so funny." I wasn't in the mood for jokes.

"The kids ate lunch and are asleep, I let your mom know what happened and she said she will come get the kids tomorrow for a few days if you want." He kept talking, I didn't have much to say. He talked about this and that and most of it I didn't pay attention to, instead, I just looked at my phone, more so thinking about how the hell I would get around.

"...take care of you and stuff."

I shook my head, only hearing part of what he last said. "Wait what? Did you just say you were going to take care of me?"

Who the hell even asked him?

"Well if you want my help I'll stay here with you while your parents have the kids and take care of you."

"I don't need anyone's help. I'm not incapable of taking care of myself." I stood up and then almost immediately fell back down onto the edge of the couch. "I need a shower, I need to get out of these clothes and get clean. I'm sorry, it's not you."

So rude, though it can’t be helped. That man used to say you were helpless, who’s to say this man doesn’t feel the same?

He stood up and held his hand out for me. "Don't apologize, I get it. It sucks. You're independent. But you should accept help when it's offered. I'll help you get everything ready for your bath or shower or whatever you're gonna do."

I hesitated but took his hand anyway. I pulled myself up and situated my crutches on either side of me, then I hopped the twenty feet to the bathroom. "I'm gonna rinse all the dirt off and then bathe. Can you get me some stuff?"

"Anything babe." He opened the door for me. "Need help getting stripped?"

"No," I chuckled, "I need you to throw my towel in the dryer outside in the garage, so it's warm when I get out. There's a pink candle with a 'Cajun Gypsy' sticker on the jar in the living room, I need that and a lighter. And a glass of tea, no ice. Thank you, I really appreciate it."

He smiled and slipped past me. I pushed the door slightly closed, propped my crutches against the wall, and used the sink counter to reach the tub. I leaned in and turned the water on, twisting the hot all the way and just a bit of cold. The steam felt good. Plenty of sunlight was still flowing in from the window.

I shed my leggings and boyshorts off my hips and sat on the edge of the tub, then reached down and started unstrapping my boot. I had mud everywhere. Once my boot was off I kicked my other shoe to the side and peeled my remaining sock away from my flesh. My leggings were stuck to me and dirt was caked in all my creases.

Shortly after getting all my clothes off, I stepped into the shower. It felt less like my problems were being washed away with the mud, and more that they were just becoming more obvious and prominent. I had ninety-nine problems and the mud was none of them.

Brown water swirled in the bottom of my tub and left streaks down my legs, which were unshaved. When I'd gotten up earlier that morning I shaved my armpits but didn't actually have time for my legs. Most of the dirt was finally off a couple minutes after I'd gotten in, but I let my head fall back and enjoyed the hot water beating down on my skin just for a minute or so more.

knock knock

"Hey babe, do you want your phone?" The door creaked open and a gentle rush of cold air slipped in through the small openings where the edges of the curtain touched the wall.

"Sure, I'm gonna be in here for a while." I turned the water off and moved the curtain out of the tub.

"Okay I'm gonna set everything right here on the back of the toilet, can you reach it?" His arms were full with a glass, my phone, a towel, and a pack of cookies.

"Yeah, hun I got it." I turned the hot water on and rinsed the tub out. "Can I still get that candle?"

"Oh, yeah babe one sec." He set everything down and walked into the other room. In a few seconds, he was back, lighting the candle as he entered. I was already sitting in shallow bath water, pouring bubble soap next to the spigot. He set it on the counter and blew me a kiss on his way back out.

My heart palpitated slightly harder than it had a moment before. I looked through the half-opened doorway into the living room while my heart fluttered. Then for a moment, I thought that maybe I could fall in love again.

HA! Yeah right!