An Improper Courtship

Old Wounds

*The next morning, James knew he would face her, at dinner, sitting at the table where they had shared countless dinners and conversations, he had felt her absence doubly. He had to apologise, the guilt was consuming him. He had dealt with one monster and was now faced with another, one of his own making. He knew that the apology would change nothing between them and that it wasn't his right to ask for it. Nevertheless, he would do the right thing. He searched in the breakfast room, knocked awkwardly on the drawing-room door, dragged his feet across the endless corridors in the hope he would cross her path. But, Honey had ensured that she wouldn't be found.

She had risen early, asked for breakfast in her room and left through the back door to wander in the gardens. The morning air was a cold that caressed the skin, the wind tickled the nape of her neck as it moved tendrils of her hair. Honey could close her eyes and disassociate as she had learnt to do. She allowed the chitters of the robin and blackbird to transport her away from the pain that was consuming her. Her boots made light contact with the dewy morning grass. Honey made herself comfortable on a bench far from the estate, her back turned away from her home, she stared ahead at the endless trunks of trees before her. Honey shook her looming thoughts away and opened a sketching book she had brought along with her.

James sighed exasperatedly, he had peered in every room of the house and even dared to knock on her bedroom door. James caught a scurrying maid rushing by him, linen towering in her hands.

"Do you know where my cousin Honey would be?" James asked, looking for the girls face behind all the bed material. He couldn't recognise her face. She must be new.

"The mistress went out very early this morning, mi Lord" She replied timidly, a thick rolling of the r's.

James had looked out at the front lawn, "Are you sure?"

She nodded, "Through the back." James thanked her, she curtseyed and scurried away. James rushed out, his heart pumping faster. The cool air carried his long strides. He finally caught sight of Honey, her bent head with red tresses trailing down a brown morning coat. His feet quickened until he was close enough to see the slight movement of her back as she inhaled and exhaled.

Honey knew he was behind her. He had made so much noise with his wide movements and caused the birds to flitter away, taking her morning music with them. It was clear neither knew what to do. Honey could pretend she hadn't heard him but she'd stopped sketching. James realised then that he should have practised what he was going to say because in that instant he was speechless, something rare for him as a poet and a constant joker. The blood rushing to his ears numbed out the sound around him and he could hear only the beat of his heart. He took deep breaths. Honey knew she couldn't pretend much longer and she stood turning to face him.

They felt the dewy cool air pause as the country green brightened and the rustling of the trees increased in volume.

"Welcome back," Honey forced out, her upbringing and education allowed her to say this much.

"It's good to be back," James smiled, it was a weak smile lined with so much un-surety but it still managed to make Honey's heart skip a beat. He hadn't changed much, a haircut, a healthy glow, fewer eye bags than when she'd last seen him. He was still long limbs, towering with an insecure stance. Their eyes hadn't made contact yet. The silence seemed deafening as even the trees stopped their rustling to hear what would come next. Honey lifted her lids to survey James a little better, James followed her gaze.

"How long will you be staying?" Honey didn't know how he'd interpret the question, but she couldn't think of anything else to say to him that wouldn't bring tears.

"However long I'm welcome, I suppose." He answered without missing a beat. There was silence again and the trees' rustling grew impatient.

The words I'm sorry flooded James mind but the words froze in his throat. He coughed trying to gather strength and Honey involuntarily raised her eyes to look into his. The distant green broke a chord holding her heart up, snapping the strength she had mustered to stand in front of James. She choked down a sob in her throat, she was sure she'd suffocate.

"Excuse me," her feet carried her body past him in a whirl. A faint hint of lemon filled James' nostrils as she rushed past. He watched Honey distance herself away from him. They were pulling away again but this time it was Honey's doing. Something snapped in his mind's eye and he ran after her, his longer lunges instantly caught up to her smaller restricted paces. Her dress only allowed her so much movement. He clutched her forearm, twirling her around. His eyes connected with her hazel eyes, swimming in tears, eyebrows knitted so tightly, her lips quivering.

"I'm sorry," he rasped. A sob escaped Honey's lips and she pulled away gently. She couldn't speak but she knew a simple sorry wasn't enough. James wanted to place his finger on Honey's porcelain white forehead to smooth away the wrinkles of sadness. Instead, he moved his hand down her forearm to lift her hand,

"I'm sorry, I know it's not enough, but I am so sorry. I was angry with myself, I reacted stupidly, I stayed stuck in the dark because I couldn't forgive myself." James breathed out, words tumbling in a race. He lifted Honey's hand to his heart.

"I never stopped thinking of you, you were always here," he pressed her hand on his heart, "I just let guilt, anger trump my heart." She pulled away, her hands tingling with anger and yearning.

"I don't understand any of it," she whispered so silently, "I don't understand why you pulled away from me,"

James had never explained anything to Honey and guilt-wracked his mind, "After the incident, after nearly losing you, my mind was raging at nearly losing you, seeing Blake in so much pain. I could only focus on the events that led us there. The choices I made and the consequences. Each and everyone was all my fault."

Honey still couldn't process his words, her mind swimming with emotions.

"I had to make a choice between you and Blake, who to save first." James searched for understanding and compassion in Honey's eyes.

"But, that's ridiculous, we both lived," she sobbed, "We survived because of you!" her hands were curled up to her heart, tears streaming down her flushed cheeks. James saw a broken girl before him, he stepped forward, enveloping her in a hug.

"I'm sorry," he whispered into her hair, "I am stupid, I am every bad thing you want to call me. I couldn't see it like that at the time, I was too consumed. I just saw it all as my fault, I saw the two of you in the cottage as my fault." James felt the shudder of Honey's small frame as she sobbed into his morning coat, wetting the fabric.

"I was my own enemy of progress," he explained, "Although you forgave me, forgot every wrong I'd done, I didn't allow it to enter my heart."

"I thought you resented me," Honey spoke barely audible, "I thought you hated me, I thought you'd had enough of me." James tightened his grip and threaded his fingers through the end of Honey's tresses.

"Never, I hated myself, for putting you both in the situation."

Honey pushed away, her hands on his firm chest. "You didn't make the tree fall! You i***t" she shouted angrily, "But you chose to treat me so... urgh... you did make all these decisions to break my heart!"

James felt his throat restrict, "I'm sorry" he repeated.

"You were so cruel, one minute hugging me, making me believe we'd return to normality. Then you would stare with empty eyes, it brought so much pain to my heart." Honey's anger had come from months of suppressed emotions hidden behind smiles, "I tried and I tried, I did everything in my power, to get you to open up." The anger was being replaced with pain again. Honey wasn't a venomous person; she was sensitive to emotions.

"I know." His voice breaking, he stepped forward but Honey moved backwards.

"You left me, you left without a word because you could!" Honey started, "and what did I do?" tears were blurring her vision, "I tried again, I wrote to you, I pushed away my reasoning and pride even though you had rejected me continuously, through countless actions, again and again, I pushed and like an i***t I wrote to you to be rejected again."

James didn't understand, he'd never received any letters whilst in Europe.

"I didn't-" he started. Honey glared, inexplicable anger filling her heart as she looked at the man she still loved, she assumed his eyes searched for an excuse.

"Yes, I know you didn't write a single one back," she whispered, "Do you know how it is to feel helpless, waiting every day, hoping, living in the home of your suffering," her voice broke and she shook her head "No, you wouldn't because you're a man, you can run away."

"I didn't receive any letters, Honey." James finally said. Honey looked up at him. There was silence, her blurry vision focused on his face to see if he was telling the truth.

"I thought by not replying you were sending me a message," Honey whispered.

James shook his head. The trees cheered silently behind him. He stepped forward to hold Honey's hands.

"I missed you every day," James stroked her hand, facing it palm up and lifting it to his lips. He placed his lips on the thin part where her veins ran. Honey felt the heat, tickle her forearm. Before her mind could cloud she pulled away.

"No,"

This time James watched her leave.