The Echo of Abuse and Love

Chapter Eleven

Luke

"I think that's cool." She says quietly. "Okay, your turn."

I don't know why, but tonight my normal inhibitions seem to have flown out the window. I wouldn't consider myself aloof or anything, but I don't normally spend my time playing 20 questions in a car with a pretty girl. It just has never been on my list of exciting things.

 But something about Shea makes me want to know everything about her. I've been trying to keep to myself for the last few months, denying any type of attraction or interest, but after almost 2 hours completely alone with her, I feel as though my hold on my control is slipping. I'm aware of my extremely poor timing, and I regret the way we got to this point. I wish more than anything I would have been there a moment earlier to spare her whatever Jacob had said, but nonetheless, at this point, all I wanted was to soak up every moment of time I had with this mysterious girl. 

I know after tonight, we will have to go back to the way things were, Shea will return to just being my sister's friend, and I will have to figure out what I'm going to do about Tiffany. Shea will have to return to just staring in my fantasies in the shower. But the longer I sit in the car with her, the more I hope that in some way we can continue this thing we're started. Maybe, just maybe, I can convince her to talk to me again. After this night is over, and the delirium of drama has passed. 

"Luke?" She's turned in her seat, facing me, her back pressed against the passenger door. Her legs are crossed, Her deep blue hair looks black in the dim light of the highway, and her eyes gleam curiously. Something inside of me turns unsteadily, and I feel like my heartbeat stumbles over itself. She looks so f*****g beautiful.

"I'm sorry." That is all I can muster at the moment given my impending stroke over the way her eyes glow in the dim light. 

"What were you thinking about?" She asks quietly. 

"I thought it was my turn to ask a question?" I smile, trying to dig myself out of the hole I started to create.

She frowns a little but nods, readjusting in her seat to lean a little closer to me. With her motion, a hint of her perfume, or maybe her shampoo wafts toward me. The smell is almost spicy and floral, like pine and lavender.

"What are your plans after high school?" I ask. But I think I must have asked something wrong because her face goes flat for a moment before she looks down and studies her hands. 

"I don't really have a plan yet honestly, I was thinking of taking a gap year."

"I think that's cool." I try and keep my tone light, I've obviously hit a nerve. "There are so many people who just jump in before they have a plan and end up miserable."

"Thank you for saying that." She smiles, and my heart does the cha-cha in my chest. "Okay, my turn. If you never had to sleep, what do you think you'd do with the extra time?"

"Huh... I don't think I've ever thought about it." I take a moment to actually think about the question. "Maybe I'd spend more time learning new things. I really like to learn new things." I smile at her. We pull into the driveway of my house and suddenly I remember that Eva isn't even here. "s**t, Shea, I can take you home, I didn't even think about Ev not being here tonight."

"No." She says quickly, going rigid in her seat, it was almost one in the morning. "If I go into my house now, my mom is going to ask why I didn't stay with Eva tonight. I really don't want to have that conversation. Is it okay if I just stay in Ev's room?"

"Of course." We hop out of the car, this time she is quicker than I am, and I can't get around to get her door for her. But I still extend my hand toward her, at this point I'm just hunting for reasons to touch her. Since I took her hand at the party to help her get to the car, my skin feels cold and uncomfortable when she isn't touching me. I know how horribly cliche it sounds, and I don't want to unpack the feelings further than that. After tonight I know I'm gonna have to pump the breaks, so I'm enjoying it while it lasts.

We walk into the dark house and I lead her upstairs. My sister's and my rooms are right across from each other. We stand for a moment in the hallway between the rooms, awkwardly. I can't manage to pull myself into my room, and Shea is standing awkwardly against the wall looking at the floor. 

"Thanks for tonight." She says it so quietly I almost don't think the words were meant for me. 

"No problem." I step a little closer to her, willing my hands to stay at my sides, even thought everything inside of me is dying to touch her face. All I want is to see her eyes and touch her again. The darkness of the hallway feels heavy with unspoken questions. All of a sudden I realize I want to see her more. In the morning for starters, and at lunch at school. But I am afraid to ask for too much. I know almost nothing bout Shea, and I can't tell how she feels after tonight. Obviously something isn't quite right. It was obvious tonight, she has things going on that I don't know about. And I prepare myself to part ways with her and never speak of it again.

As I war with myself about what to do next, Shea takes me by surprise, closing the rest of the distance between us and wraps her arms around my torso, burrying her head into my chest. For a moment I'm too stunned to respond, but I quickly get over myself, wrapping my arms around her shoulders, hugging her back. We stand there for I don't know how long, and I rest my chin on her head, enjoying the way her body releives the tension I didn't know that I had in my body. It's as if her touch melts all of the confusion I've been struggling with all night. I feel her body slowly melt into me, and her breathing becomes deep and steady, like maybe she is feeling the same effects from me that I get from her. 

I could have stood there all night, never tiring of the way her body feels against mine, and my hands itch to roam her. But I don't dare move from where I am, and I don't dare touch her any more than she's allowed so far. After what feels like a comfortable eternity, she steps back, dropping her arms to her sides. Her gaze pierces into me, sending my heart skitteirng across the dark hallway.

"Well, I think I'm going to go to bed now." She gives me a timis smile.

"Goodnight." Is all I say, returning her smile. Because all I want to do is follow her into my sister room, I want to talk more, I ache to touch her again. But i keep to myself, turning and walking slowly toward my own bedroom. "If you need anything, you know where I am." I look over my shoulder one more time to see her still standing in the hallway between our two doors. But when she sees me look at he, she back slowly toward my sisters toom, opening and closing the door behind her. 

I lay in bed for what feels like quite a while, unsure of what to do. I wanted to go to her, but I instead I toss and turn, hoping she isn't gone yet when I wake up in the morning. I don't know when I drift off to sleep, but it is deep and dreamless.