The Echo of Abuse and Love

Chapter Five

Shea

I hate it here. 

The moment Eva and I stepped into the house it was all I could do to not turn right back around and leave. Eva hadn't let go of my hand until we were deep inside the house and walking into the kitchen. It was like she could sense that I was ready to bolt. I couldn't tell if her touch was meant to be reassuring or a means by which she kept me hostage. 

"Here." She said, handing me a bottle of water. We had established a long time ago that I didn't drink, and I was thankful she never expected me to explain myself, and she never pressured me to do anything I didn't want to. "Let's go sit in the dining room and you can help me make fun of all the couples sucking face."

I couldn't help but smile at her a little. I know deep down she wants to be one of those couples, filled with reckless abandon, groping each other without a care in the world. I think if I was even halfway normal, I would probably want that too, but for the most part, the thought just startled me. I hate the feelings of the bodies of people passing by me. Everywhere someone absently touches me, I feel as though my skin is sliced open. I am all too aware of the space I take up in the crowded room, and I can't seem to get my barings. Anxiety wells in the pit of my stomach, burrowing deeper and deeper until the noise around me feels hazy.

Sitting room was pretty scarce with the number of people that were mingling around inside of the house. Eva and I ended up standing with our backs against a wall, watching couples dance in the middle of the living room to the music that was playing way too loud. I couldn't shake the feeling I had like I was an imposter in my own skin tonight. Something about the way everyone around me moved through the motions of life as carelessly as they appeared made me uneasy. I had to work so hard to appear as normal and indifferent as I did, and some days it felt like it nearly killed me. 

"I'll be right back, I see Maggie from Spanish class, and she looks f*****g hot." 

Before I can react I'm left alone against the wall. I watch as Eva abandons me for a cute skinny girl with short chin-length hair. They hug, and I can see Eva aiming to put the moves on her, gently caressing her arm as they talk, flashing her dazzling smile and laughing at god knows what. 

I take the moment alone to watch the people on the dance floor, wondering what it would feel like to have someone touch me in a way that didn't make my skin go cold. I look off to the left, and see Luke, following Tiffany into the middle of the dance floor. My pulse jumps erratically for a minute and a vision of his face when Eva and I met him out in front of their house flashes across my mind. I could have sworn he was staring at me as we approached, and when I stepped up around him to get into the back seat I was almost sure he was staring at my mouth. 

I glance back over at Eva to make sure she's okay, and I have to fight the urge to roll my eyes. She's leaning with her back on the wall, holding Maggie's hand in between the two of them. Eva is the master of making girls question their sexuality. With her bright smile and coy playful conversation, she could be pretty appealing. 

My eyes dart back over to Luke, watching the way he casually moves with Tiffany. I didn't think they were anything serious, but the attention he's giving her tonight is making me think otherwise. Maybe I completely misread the look he gave me earlier tonight. I feel my skin start to tingle as I watch him graze her neck with his lips. Suddenly the room seems to quiet, and the sound of the music is muffled like I am underwater. His eyes drift open and meet mine as if he knew I was staring. It feels like there isn't enough oxygen in the room to breathe. I can't look away from him, as I watch Tiffany guide his hands to feel her body. Fire licks my skin in all of the places he's touching on her as if my skin is under his hands, and not hers. I feel my breasts tighten against my bra as his hand is guided over her chest.

Suddenly, I feel like I'm going to be sick. Ice courses through my veins and I need to find the closest exit. Eva comes up beside me, the pretty short-haired girl following close behind. 

"Shea? Are you okay?" There's a hint of concern in her voice, but I don't want her night to be ruined by me. I paste on the best smile I can muster hoping it's convincing. 

"I'm fine," I say. I glance out of the corner of my eye and see Luke pointing in our direction saying something to Tiffany. "I just need to find the bathroom."

"Okay..." Eva doesn't seem convinced, and I am thankful for her perceptiveness usually, but tonight I don't want to be the reason she doesn't get to have a good time. 

I turn before she can say anything else, pushing through the crowds of people, heading toward the stairs to the second level. I'm hoping there is an unoccupied bedroom with a bathroom that I can hide in.

The noise upstairs is considerably more subdued, and I finally feel like I can hear myself think. What the f**k is happening to me tonight? My head starts to spin, and I lean against the wall, praying I don't vomit. I knew I shouldn't have come tonight. Parties bring up too many bad memories. I exhale deeply, trying to regain control of myself. Maybe it's time for me to throw in the towel and tell Eva I can't handle it here anymore. The dancing and the music are like a shock of cold water to my system, awakening parts of my mind that I would prefer to keep locked up. 

"Hey? are you okay?" My blood runs cold at the sound of the voice, for a moment I am transported back to the first party I never attended. Chills threaten to topple me as a hand rests on my lower back.

I look up, startled and disoriented. "I'm fine Jacob."

"Damn Shea, I barely recognized you." His eyes are glassy, and there's a faint smell of beer lingering on his breath. "I didn't expect to see you here tonight." He says, leaning against the wall in front of me, making it so that I would have to step around him to head back down the stairs to the party. "Although, my brother has told me some wild stories about your younger days." He winks at me, and I feel all of the blood draining from my face. I try to straighten my shoulders, hoping I don't look as phased by his words as I feel. 

"I don't know what you're talking bout." My voice shakes and I curse myself in my head, praying he doesn't notice. 

"Oh, I think you do." In an instant, he has me pinned against the wall, his hands on either side of my shoulders. "I know all about how willing you were to try new things. " He purrs out the last words like they're some sort of compliment, but all I feel is fear. 

"I need you to move now," I say, my voice steadier this time, despite the dread welling up in my chest. I feel as though I'm swallowing rocks when his toned chest presses closer to me.

He drops his mouth close to my ear, sending bolts of dread spiraling down my spine. I feel his hot breath rake across my skin, leaving goosebumps in its wake. "From what I understand, if I were to pull you into one of these bedrooms," I close my eyes, my senses dulling. Jacob's voice sounds distant when he speaks again as if it's just an echo of what he actually said. "I think you'd be more than willing to let me show you a thing or two."

"Leave me alone." I feel myself retreating as if my brain is storm-proofing itself, closing up all of the windows, keeping what shreds of sanity still remain inside-safe.

"I don't believe you mean that." His breath sends fire blazing across my cheeks.

"Jacob." A deep voice rattles my storm proofed brain, jarring me out of whatever state of lockdown I was in. "She said to leave her alone." 

In that instant, I find it in myself to push Jacob back. he stumbles a few feet, knocking into the far wall of the hallway. I slide down the wall, pulling my knees up to my chest, the rocks in my throat feel unbearable and I can't seem to get enough oxygen.

"f**k off Luke," Jacob says, turning the look at the person standing at the top of the stairs. 

"I don't think so Jake," Luke takes a few steps closer, closing the distance between himself and Jacob in a few strong strides. His voice stays even, but deadly serious. "She told you to leave her alone." He repeats. "And I think you've had too much to drink to make good choices tonight."

"Whatever Luke." Jacob takes a casual step to the side, slowly edging his way around Luke toward the stairs. "If you want her for yourself, that's all you had to say. But," He shrugs, flashing a wicked grin that looks all too familiar. "Don't think Tiff will like it."

And with that Jacob is gone, disappearing down the stairs back to the party as if nothing happened.

Meanwhile, I close my eyes, realizing how dire the situation would have been If Luke hadn't stepped in. My body starts to involuntary shake as I try counting my breaths, urging them to become more regular.

"Shea?" I feel movement in front of me, but don't dare open my eyes. "Shea, talk to me. Did he hurt you?"

Just like that the tears start flowing, I bury my head in my knees, trying to control the shaking in my shoulders, but I can't make it stop. Every part of my body feels hot and cold at the same time, and my throat all but swells shut as silent sobs wrack my body.

There's another shift of movement as big sturdy arms swiftly slide behind my back and under my legs, lifting me into the air. "Shhh. Hey," I clutch at Luke's shirt, shamelessly clinging to him for any shred of comfort I can find. "You're okay Shea." Luke starts walking, but I don't open my eyes to see where he's taking me. He tightens his grip on my body, and I think I hear a door open, but I am unable to open my eyes or turn my head, the sobs roll out of me in waves as strong as the ocean's tide. The storm shelter I had prepared for myself is battered relentlessly by the on slot of fear and pain. I am powerless to control it.