Dear, Joey

20

"Tell me something that I don't know?"

Tumingin ako kay Enrique na nakatitig sa akin, while crossing his arms and open his legs wide like a man. Well, he’s a man liking another man named Cori.

I look on the flowers that I have been decorated from the moment he walks on and seat in front of me. Where in the back of my greenhouse watching the field of flowers already starting to bloom once again.

"I think, tataas ngayon ang presyo ng bigas at gulay kumpara sa nakaraang buwan." ngiti ko knitting the cord in a ribbon.

"Not that" may tonong inis nyang sabi.

"What? Namalengke ko kahapon at yun ang balita." tatatawa kung sabi.

I saw him not laughing with me and stare at me with this known look makes me dropped my smile.

"It's been three weeks and five days Joey."

"I don't know what you’re talking about" iling ko looking away.

"You always pretend like this ever since." ayos nya ng upo habang nakukunot noo.

"Like when I pretend that you are not going to states and just simply treat the day as normal" tingin ko sa kanya. Lifting the flower to put it on my arm.

"Don't bring this up again." he conflicted said.

"Then don't bring this up to me!" tayo ko dala ang bouquet walking past him and ready to go outside. 

"Is it going to be this complicated?" tayo nya at harap sa akin. I turn around looking so serious.

"I am not being complicated" giit ko.

"You’re blocking us a lot lately, even Jullie thinks you forget her."

"Because you bringing this up, ano ba ko sayo Enrique? Bukas parati kapag kailangan mo, I am busy, and you wanted to talk to me as if I have a lot of times."

"I just wanted to talk to you about last time..."

"Are you worried, or you just wanted to find out what's with me and Tegan? because I don't want your curiosity."

"We were calling you! For those weeks! What's with your head Jullieanna?!" nauubusan nyang pasensyang sigaw sa akin.

"Do you know why I felt like I'm crying when I know that Jullienne have contacted that man again Enrique?" I felt cold and hurt but I refuse to back down. Ginawa ko dati pero hindi ngayon.

"I lost her because of that man, she left me because of him broke her heart and, that feelings back again. It reminds me once again." my lips tremble but I refuse to shed any tears.

"I thought you understand..."

"Yun nga eh!" nauubusan kung sabi.

"Palagi kung iniintindi lahat Enrique! Sayo, kay Jemaine, kay Kuya, kay Jullienne, kay Mom, kay Dad! Palagi ko kayong iniintindi, to the point that I always disregard my feelings and yet you don't understand why I need to let go for awhile."

Huminga ako ng malalim.

"Minsan gusto ko na lang kayong iwan. Hindi dahil gusto kung gumanti sa pag iwan nyo sa akin kundi dahil nauubos na ko." mahinahon kung sabi. I look down, holding the bouquet on one hand.

"Pero hindi eh... Hindi ko alam kung bakit pa rin ako nagtagal at nanatili dito gayong kaya ko namang piliin ang gusto ko? Dahil ba alam ko na babalik kayo or dahil iniisip ko na baka, baka lang na naiisip nyo na hindi ako aalis? Kasi kapag naiisip ko yun I felt somehow happy. Kasi, you do cares about me." I saw him watching me with his red eyes. I tried to smile at him, but it turns out sad.

"I need my space, Enrique. I'm afraid if I continue to look at you, or them. I don't know what it is anymore. Sorry." walang lakas kung sabi, making him shake his head and envelope me a hug that takes my breath away.

We were silence the whole time and hold me a lot longer before kissing my temple and let me go.

I heard the bell rang on the top of the door frame and his light steps. Tumayo lang ako dun. I gasp, and my shoulder goes up and down.

For three weeks that I have avoided this, I know that I can't take it anymore. I have my break down once again. Ilang taon na ba ng huli akung umiyak ng ganito?

My knees give up and I'm ready to seat on the ground when a think arm encircle my waist from the back and a firm body hold me closer. I smell his familiar scent. He has my weight on him.

"I hurt him" I gasps and sobs.

"No" he whispered trying to turn me around fixing my hair blocking my face. I gripped his arm.

Sweat and tears of mine goes on his hand. His face is dark and looks angry, but his hands are light.

Feeling ko nawalan ako ng lakas sa kunting sandaling nag usap kami.

"I hurt Ricks" I sob, he pulls me closer and hug my body. I cry on his shoulder.

"No, you’re not" he whispered with firm words. I just close my eyes and cry my eyes out.

Kaya ng huminahon ako ay lantang gulay ako at walang sigla.

I saw him talking to Jes. He glances his car while talking to her and my bag are on his hand. Jes stare at the car where I am in and nod to Tegan before he walks back.

I look away when he opens the door. Sobbing a bit, turning my puffy eyes on the trees outside my farm.

I felt him settle down and close the door. Buckling himself ready to start the engine.

"Sorry." paos kung sabi.

He looks at me with his serious face, I look away and sigh.

"Nadamay ka last time." marahan kung sabi, my eyes are starting to heat once again.

"I have a bad week that time, hindi ko alam kung pano i-handle kaya nabaling ko sayo yung galit ko. I just feel a lot that makes me..."

"It's not your fault." agaw nya sa sasabihin ko making me stop and look at him kahit na hirap ko syang matingnan dahil sa nagbabadyang luha.

Kunot ang noo nyang nakatitig sa akin habang paranga hirap na hirap syang panoorin ako. Did he pity me? Baka pinapahirapan ko sya ngayon because of my bahavior? Did he think lowly at me?

I shake my head.

"Sorry talaga, hindi ko naman..."

"Jullieanna!" I am beyond startled when he shouted, in between hoarse and broken voice. I saw his face look guilty while watching me. Na parang ang hirap hirap sa kanyang makitang umiiyak ako.

The circle in his eyes started to red and his clinching his jaw many times while try not to breath hard.

"There's nothing to be sorry about dahil wala kang mali. Kahit kailan wala. O kahit meron man hindi ako magagalit o magtatanim ng kahit anong sama ng loob. I won't even think wrongs on you Joey, that is the fact" the rumble on his voice says the truth.

My shoulder down staring at his frustrated face. I can't define it but his angrier about something.

"It's my bad timing and…. A bad timing on both sides and I.. I am the one who should apologize because I am f*****g dense to found what is wrong.  I am claiming that I like you, but I didn't even conclude what's on your mind until you cry in front of me. I realize that all I want that time is my own agenda, and not mind what's been on you lately. I'm sorry"

I held my breath when his eyes turn on me and the way he acted as if he hurts more than me makes my eyes blurred more that it fills on my cheek.

A warm body envelope me and hold the back of my head.

"I'm sorry." he whispered holding me closer.

We stay that way for minutes. He weeps my tears and fix my hair.

"Let's go" he softly said.

I shake my head.

"I don't want to go home yet"

He stares at me before nod and fix his seatbelt.

I close my eyes and rest my side to the back rest, facing him. I saw him glancing at me from time to time.

"Let's take a stroll" ngiti at tango nya sa akin making me nod.

The silent Tegan Alfonso Marval is being talkative while driving us around.

I watch him the whole time responding to him, talking, nodding, and commenting to his words, I never even thought that he can throw jokes, but it's lame. I don't even get it, but he just laughs on my confused looks which makes me laugh with him.

Huminto kami sa gas station and take out for our lunch. Tahimik lang akung kumain habang komportable.

We drive downtown and circle until we reach a top road on the mountain side where we can see the sun setting to the horizon.

Huminto kami sa gilid were the parking side of the road.

He got down, open my door to see fully the beautiful view. I remain on the passenger seat while his being clingy and put himself between my legs. Naka upo sya sa tapakan ng passenger seat, getting my hands to encircle it on his neck and hold it firmly. I settle myself on his side head feeling his back.

I smile a bit when I saw his long legs stretching on the ground without caring about his shoes getting dirty. I saw the brand name. Isang taong sweldo ng isang emplyado ang isang pares nun.

"Let's go here every weekend." he said suddenly making me look at his face, looking up a bit to me with a smile on his face.

"Kala mo ang daming oras kung mag aya" tukso ko habang pinipitik sya sa noo.

He catches my hand and place it under his chin, laughing.

"It's peaceful here, and we can relax. Walang hassle."

I hug his neck, leaning my cheek on his side head.

"Ano yun? Parang tumakas lang saglit tapo balik din agad, tumakbo na lang kaya tayo paalis, walang balikan" pabiro at natatawa kung sabi. He leans a bit.

"May be, we can have it if we want" 

Unti unting nawala ang ngiti ko, nasa palubog na araw lang ang tingin at sa padilim na paligid.

"Sana nga ganun lang kadali" I pouted.

He turns around and face me, encircling his one hand on my waist.

Nasa gilid na tuloy ng upuan ang pwet ko.

"Malalaglag ako!" tapik ko sa likod ng ulo nya. He just smiles at settle himself on my stomach still looking at the sunset. This time, his hugging me while between my legs. Nakatagilid sya ng upo habang yakap ang bewang ko ng isang braso nya at ang isa nasa ibabaw ng leg ko, kala ata ng isang to ang gaan nya. Hindi yun malaswa or anything, komportable pa nga sya. I'm wearing jeans by the way.

"Let's make a plan" he murmurs. Tinampal ko ang likod nya.

"Baliw." I said running my hand on his hair. Bigla syang tumingala sa akin with his serious face.

"Where do you want to go? Sa Bali? Maldives? UAE? Iceland? New York?"

"None of the above" tapik ko sa bibig nya making him laugh at me.

"I can bring you everything you want, just tell me." ngisi nya but his eyes are serious making me stop and look at him.

"Sometimes I wonder why girls crazy over you, wala namang ka-gwapo gwapo sa yo!" simangot ko making him laugh and try to hug me more pero tinulak ko ang ulo nya paharap sa akin. 

"Let me see your face, baka mahanap ko na."

"No.." iwas nya sa kamay ko but I tug his cheek to face me. His laughing eyes stare on me.

"Matitino ang mga babaing na-meet ko, ikaw lang hindi" he teased make me let his face go.

"I will tell those girls your habits, na si Tegan Alfonso Marval ay makalat sa bahay, hindi marunong magluto, hindi hinihiwalay ang damit nyang dekulor at puti, ayaw ng broccoli, at carrots, hindi marunong mag nail cutter sa kamay, he even picks his nose from time to time. Yuck!" he just laughed and buried his face on my stomach. His ear starting to flush.

"At higit sa lahat, mahilig mang agaw ng space kapag natutulog na." talik ko sa likod ng ulo nya.

"I have my peace when I'm sleeping beside you" natatawa nyang tinangala sa akin. I stop a bit when I saw a dark tint under his eyes.

"Whatever! Buti na lang at nagkagalit tayo. I have a huge space when I'm asleep. Very comfy."

Agad nawala ang ngiti nya at naging tahimik na making me laugh at him hugging his head.

I look on the mountains without the sun, but the sky remains beautiful, and the stars are starting to show.

Dear God. Ano man po ito, sana'y tulungan nyo ho ako.

I tap his back and put my chin on his head.

Sana malaman ko ho ito, at hindi magsisi sa huli.