Strawberry skies

Chapter 8

The car slowed as we approached the cemetery ,and I felt my chest tighten like a noose was being pulled around me.

Bee noticed it, too "oh",she said softly,her voice tinged with sadness as she glanced out of the window.

"My dad's on a business trip right now",I said my voice low."i didn't want to come here alone."

She nodded her eyes scanning the rows of headstones. "Who ?"she asked hesitantly

"My mom",I said forcing the words out.

Her voice softened immediately ."I'm so sorry, Louis."

I kept my eyes straight ahead,jaw clenched ."I killed her,"I said ,my voice cracking .

Bee's head snapped towards me,her expression a mix of shock and concern ."Louis..."

"Don't,"I cut her off sharper than I intended."Don't give me the bullshit talk about it not being my fault.i don't wanna hear it."

She stayed quiet,her hands clasped tightly in her lap like she wasn't sure of what to say.

I took a deep breath, though it didn't seem to help."we fought that night.she went out looking for me,got into an accident then died."My grip on the steering wheel tightened,and I felt my chest tighten even more ."I f*****g killed her."

I didn't even know if I was telling her or saying it to myself .

Bee didn't even try to convince me I was wrong .she didn't spout platitudes or tell me to let it go.she Just sat there, listening ,her silence louder than anything she could have said .

"Let's go,"I said finally , nodding toward the cemetery gates. She followed me ,her footsteps soft against the gravel path .

We stopped in front of the grave .

Alice Marie Coleman was etched boldly into the headstone ,along with the years 1991-2016.seeing it felt like a punch in the gut, even after all this time.

My fingers traced over her name ,the cold stone rough under my touch.

"Hi,mom",I whispered , kneeling down and placing the Lillie's on her grave

My black jeans pressed into the dirt but I didn't care.i stared at the headstone ,my thoughts a jumbled mess.

"I, uh...I'm volunteering ,"I said quietly ."not voluntarily .I got into trouble ." I let out a humourless laugh , shaking my head ."I don't think you'd be so proud of me right now.

The silence was deafening .my throat felt tight as I tried to find the words.

"I'm sorry, it should have been me."you deserved a better son".

I stood abruptly, brushing off my kness .the weight of everything felt suffocating ,and I just needed to leave.

Bee followed closely as I walked back to the car.she didn't say anything , but her presence felt grounding in a way I didn't know I needed .

"Um,"I started awkwardly , glancing at her . Thanks for being here."

"Anytime "she said softly ,her voice barely above a whisper .

I cleared my throat , desperate to shake off the heaviness ."let's go somewhere".

"Can I drive? "she asked without an hesitation

I raised an eyebrow at that,"uh,I don't -"

"C'mon," she interrupted , forcing a grin. "It's just around the corner "

I handed her the keys and walked to the passenger side.

She slid into the driver's seat, looking slightly unsure but willing .

Her hands gripped the steering wheel

tightly as she drove slowly ,her eyes darting between the road and me.

It didn't take long before we pulled up to a building near the hospital .

I frowned ,reading the sign."a rage room?"

Bee grinned her usual brightness returning ."trust me ,"she said , climbing out of the car.

And for the first time today I let out a genuine smile.