Jigsaw Pieces

Daniel - Thursday

I hate leaving her. I hate seeing her sad. I hate seeing her cry. I had to wrench myself from Amelia when she came and gave me that last hug. She held me so tight I knew she didn’t want me to go. I turned and watched her as the car drifted away from her and gradually, she disappeared from my sight. Now that my accreditation had been remarked I knew I had passed. I felt there was a huge burden that was lifted off my shoulders. Too many evenings were spent with Chris getting high, getting drunk when I should’ve been a man and stayed home with the good women I had.

‘Another line Danny my boy!’ Chris would shout, setting it up and rolling up his £5 note for me. I wasn’t sure what made me do it, but it was as if I had no control over myself. It felt like an out of body experience, watching myself taking more drugs, drinking more alcohol and not being able to stop myself. Amelia sensed a change in me in the early days and God, did she try to talk to me about it. It only made me leave the flat more and take more drugs.

‘Daniel, please, stay home with me today, I need you,’ she was pleading with me that night, holding onto my waist. ‘I don’t want to be alone.’ I winced remembering how I’d shrugged her off me, the alcohol still rushing strongly through my body and the drugs freshly wiped from my nose. I’d only come back to the flat because I’d forgotten my cash and didn’t realise the time until I saw Amelia folding her blanket and rubbing her eyes in the lounge. That night she’d hurt her left wrist and twisted her ankle because of me. I’d used too much force to push her away telling her she only thought about herself. I tried hard to remember if I’d made any effort after the incident to talk to her about why she was feeling down, but couldn’t remember. I looked over at Dad who was sat in the passenger seat next to Jonathan, talking about the property he had been to see, I’d missed most of it, lost in my own thoughts.

‘You OK, Son?’ Dad caught my eye. I nodded.

‘I’m going to help you get better,’ he had sounded sure of himself. ‘I saw how much Milly cares for you. I’m not going to let you lose such a good girl like her,’ Dad pulled out his mobile. ‘I’m waiting for a call back which confirms the date and time then you’re good to go.’ Words were failing me, so I nodded again.

Dad had planned for a meeting with his best friend who was a Psychologist. He’d ended the call just a few moments before Amelia got home from work.

‘Dad, I’m losing control of myself. The drugs? The alcohol...’

‘Do you feel you have an addiction Daniel?’ My Dads voice was rumbling through the lounge. He wasn’t angry but always raised his voice when things bothered him. It was as if he thought raising his voice would make things clearer.

‘I don’t think so Dad, I’ve survived a week without any repercussions. But. I’d rather be addicted to drugs than tell you what I’ve done,’ I was ashamed to tell him and couldn’t look him in the eye, but I knew I had to if I was going to get anywhere. I was losing Amelia, hell, I think I’ve lost her already, but I had to try something, anything that didn’t involve the confidence drugs and alcohol gave me.

‘What have you done Daniel?’ Dads voice was low as he came towards me, now I was afraid of his reaction. ‘What have you done?’

‘Amelia... I’ve...  hurt her… Dad I lost control... it was the drugs... I swear...,’ I will never forget the look of disgust on my Dads face when I couldn’t finish my sentence.

‘Have you lost your mind?’ He was so disgusted at me that he couldn’t even look at me. ‘I’ve got a good mind to give you a taste of your own medicine right now, see how you like to be on the other end of a punch bag.’ I would’ve deserved it too.

‘Is this how we brought you up? To raise your hand on women. On anyone? On Milly? Do you have ANY idea how she must be feeling right now, living with you, the enemy?’ My heart sunk when he said that. I’d never stopped for a second to think about how she would’ve been feeling when I was sober. We’d somehow avoided my behaviour and always fixed the consequences in A and E. I’d hardly seen her this last week. The last time it had happened I’d not seen her for a week either. I’d held my head in my hand, feeling angry at myself for treating Amelia this way, feeling the needed to squash the feelings with more drugs.

‘Just think Danny,’ Dad had walked over to me and dropped to his knees. ‘Just think if Milly came home and said that some other man had done to her what you’ve done, how would have dealt with that?’ He made a fair point.

‘I would’ve hunted them down and made them pay for what they had done,’ my reply was to meet violence with violence.

‘So, you tell me why I shouldn’t do the same to you, right here, right now?’ Urgh. I shook my head, trying to repress the feelings Dad had unearthed. ‘I love that girl like she is my own daughter. You were the one who brought her into our lives. You were the one that told us she was the ‘One’ Danny, that’s what you were meant to be. She relied on you...’ Dad had broken down in tears. ‘And you my son inflicted pain on that innocent soul,’ I joined him on the floor, holding him and crying tears of shame. I felt sick knowing I was the one who had caused her pain, regardless of the drugs and alcohol. But I couldn’t help it. Letting her go wasn’t an option for me

‘Dad, you have to help me,’ was the only thing I could muster the courage to say. Dad immediately made a call and explained the situation to Dr Goldenberg, asking him for a meeting every day for the next seven days as a favour. He’d said it wasn’t something that he wouldn’t usually do but then suggested that five days in a row might be a start and then one meeting every week once we gained momentum. He was personally going to arrange an appointment so had said he would get back to us with confirmation of a date and time, which is what my Dad was waiting for.

Our drive to my parents’ house was only thirty minutes from the flat, although walking would’ve taken an hour. I’d left my car parked at the flat despite Dad wanting me to bring it. I didn’t like leaving her alone in the flat at least if my car was parked it looked as though I was still there. Dad was understanding when he’d pointed out the recent news in the area.  My thinking was just about Amelia and her safety. That’s when he suggested that beer was much needed for both us and when he changed the subject to talk about Mum and her making the preparations for the birthday party when Amelia walked in.

She looked beautiful. Her skirt complimented her slim figure and those heels were to die for. Her shirt was hugging her figure with buttons down the front. Any other time I would’ve pulled those buttons apart and had my way with her. I winced when I saw how scared she was of me when she’d let me into her room. I wanted the ground to open and suck me in. But I was shocked when she took my hand. I felt an electric shock run through me; my body was yearning for her, but I kept myself in line, knowing that she didn’t need that right now and I didn’t want to want to repeat what happened last time. I had to regain her trust. I still don’t know how our lips met but I was a lost cause. It took everything I had to let her get up from her straddling me the way she was. But that look in her eyes was what sobered me up and brought me out of the lustful cloud that embraced me. She was afraid of me; I caused those feelings of fear and I hated myself for it knowing it was easier to look at her when I was high. I could see the faint imprints of my hand across her neck from last week, I struggled to look her in the eye. That’s how much I’d hurt her. And that’s when I decided would do what it takes to make that fear go away, make that pain go away. I was determined and I needed her to know that. Kissing her lips, her forehead, holding her close, those all felt natural to me. I was now on a mission to protect her and I knew what I had to do.

‘Daniel!’ My Mum hugged me around my waist as I towered over her. My mum fitted so neatly under my arm, quite like Amelia did. ‘I’ve missed you.’ She squeezed me tight. ‘I cannot believe you live down the road from us and we hardly see you.’ She playfully smacked my arm with the tea towel that was in her hand.

‘I know Mum, I’m sorry,’ I mumbled, although it’s hardly ‘down the road’ I left that bit out.

‘It’s that Milly isn’t it; she’s got you tied down by the looks of it you can’t leave her alone,’ she was smirking now. ‘You do know she’s allowed to come over too.’ Mum had a twinkle in her eye, I knew she had already heard wedding bells and the laughter of her Grandchildren running through the house. She loved Amelia as much as my Dad did. She approved of her as soon as she’d walked through the front door.

‘Daniel, she is beautiful, inside and out so she’s definitely a keeper. You hurt her; you will have to answer to me!’ She had joked with me. That was Amelia all over, putting people under her enchanting spells that made you love and care for her within the first meeting.

‘She’ll be over soon Dorothy,’ thankfully Dad rescued me. My Dad and I came to some non-verbal agreement that we were not going to let her know about my behaviour towards Amelia. Dad was afraid Mum would never speak to me again. I was afraid of the same.

‘Let’s invite her for Christmas Danny.’ Mum was hopeful.

‘I’ll let her know when I drop him off sweetheart.’ Dad kissed Mum's forehead before she turned around and took a freshly baked lasagna out of the oven with homemade garlic bread. My stomach growled reminded me of only had breakfast and a beer today. Dad was peering out of the kitchen blinds. The dark clouds of rain made it seem much later than 6.45pm but we decided to eat anyway. The smell of lasagna had Dad sat down and ready at the table with his coat still on.

After dinner, Mum had one of her mouthwatering apple pies in the oven. The whole house went from smelling like an Italian kitchen to freshly picked apples. I sat at the breakfast bar listening to the birthday plans Mum had made for Grandma, observing her as she measured the powder for the custard. She was looking healthy; her shoulder-length hair was starting to grey around her ears which didn’t seem to bother her. She felt it gave her character. Dad had some greys in the same area but coloured his hair black as he felt they were too obvious. Mum was a cute 5 foot 3 lady who loved being a full-time housewife. I must admit, she ran the household like a ship. If ever she decided to go out for lunch or dinner with her sister, Auntie Elizabeth, Auntie Liz for short, she would need to leave Dad a manual to turn on the cooker or to find his way over to the fridge. She’d even have to write him a manual for him to find his belongings in their wardrobes.

‘Danny?’ Dad called out to me and made a gesture that indicated he wanted me to go over to him. I sat in front of him on the other side of the kitchen on the comfy seats in front of the warm fireplace.

‘Doctor Goldenberg has replied. He will see you tomorrow and then after the weekend on Monday - Thursday the following week for an hour each day.’ I felt relieved. ‘He also wants you to seriously consider meeting him with Amelia, which isn’t such a bad idea.’ I wasn’t sure how that was going to work right now but I guess I could figure it out. ‘Daniel.’ I could tell he was serious. ‘I’m only going to confirm this is OK if you’re 100 percent sure.’ I’m not wasting the good doctor's time here.’

‘Dad, I want this.’ I knew deep in my heart I had to do this, for Amelia. I didn’t want to be that person anymore.

‘Ok.’ Dad let out a sigh of relief and then proceeded to reply to Doctor Goldenberg, confirming the time of 4pm tomorrow. I was already looking forward to it. I wanted to fast forward until next Friday when I’d be back at the flat, spending an evening with Amelia but I had to stay focused.

Dessert was as scrumptious as the scent led me to believe. I retreated to my room for the night, flicking through TV channels, looking for something interesting to capture my attention so I started at 101 and flicked through, 102, 103, 4, 5, 6, and stopped at 107. I smiled to myself.

‘Come on, please tell me you watch CSI Daniel,’ Amelia had said to me smirking and giggling. ‘I cannot believe how you’ve never seen this. What about NCIS?’ I shook my head. She was shaking her head as she held in it in her hands. ‘Says you who has never seen Game of Thrones.’ I was equally as speechless when I discovered this fact. I made it my mission then to educate her in Game of Thrones in return for episodes of CSI. It was always that easy with her, but I messed up. I picked up and phone and typed out a message and pressed send quickly before I could change my mind. She won’t reply, look at the time. I put my phone on the bedside cabinet and turned out my lamp. I had lost the right to rule her head and heart. I winced at the thought, hoping and praying to the ceiling that she would find her way back to me once this week was over.

I closed my eyes, transporting myself back to the first time we met. We were shopping in Sainsbury's and both grabbed the last box of eggs. Mum had sent me out early so that she could make us all fried breakfast as Dad being Dad had forgotten to buy eggs the day before. I was slightly annoyed that I had to get up and out of the house so early and I’m not a morning person. Amelia’s first impression of me wouldn’t have been so great considering I was protesting like a child when we both held onto the box. She gave in to me without a fuss and that’s when I had the chance to take her in.

‘Wow, you are so beautiful,’ I couldn’t help myself but think aloud. Her cheeks flushed pink. How I wanted to make her cheeks flush all the time. She looked like she had just been to the gym. Her beautiful slim figure was covered in pink camouflage leggings with a light blue t-shirt which drove my imagination crazy. Her dark hair was scraped back in a ponytail which she had to flick back as she turned. Her hazel eyes were so deep and hypnotizing, she had this glint in her eye as if she knew what I was thinking, and I was not holding back. That was it, from that day, I knew I had to make her mine. I had nothing to lose.

‘Erm... OK...’ She responded with a smirk on her face. Her lips were inviting me in. It took everything to stay put and not kiss her then and there.

‘I’m Daniel, and you are?’ I offered my hand but didn’t dare break eye contact. ‘Amelia.’ She said as she took my hand. I’d held onto her hand for much longer than I had anticipated, enjoying the physical contact between us, thinking I could plant kisses along the palm of her hands, up her arm, and along her neck. ‘I’m going to need my hand back.’ She brought me back to reality, another flush of pink swept across her beautiful face.

‘If I have to.’ I was flirting, in Sainsbury’s.

‘Amelia, here, you have the eggs,’ I put them in her basket and stopped her from interrupting. ‘You can make it up for me by giving me your number.’ Her lack of hesitation gave me hope. My phone beeped, waking me up.

I’m OK, thanks for asking.

My heart felt like it had been kick-started as I floated into a deep sleep.