Jigsaw Pieces

Jane - Thursday

I find myself whistling while I clear up my classroom, it’s something I’ve started to do since I started to think about giving up smoking. Nothing beats going outside with a fresh coffee in one hand a cigarette in the other. There is something so therapeutic about it. OK, that thought process is not helping right now. Damn it. I sigh just thinking about the feeling as I open the top drawer of my desk and look at the packet under the lighter. Stop Jane, just stop, I’m trying to be strong. It’s rare for me to have some time to myself during a free period. In fact, it’s rare that both Amelia and I have a free period off together which happens to be at the end of the day. Free periods together are usually spent talking and planning new lessons so that department meetings are much more focused. I look down the hill out of the window.  Ah, just the person.

‘I’m so sorry I took so long,’ Amelia was looking slightly flustered as she took off her jacket, pulling her diary and planner from her bag as she sat down. ‘I’m so sorry,’ She said again. I noticed a change in Amelia’s voice. I thought she had managed to patch things up with Matt during lunch avoiding him for long.

‘How was lunch? You both all sorted now?’ I picked up my own diary to join Amelia across the table.

‘Jane, I panicked, I can’t believe I panicked. I feel so foolish.’ Amelia was running her fingers through her hair and then held her hair back, revealing the worry in her eyes. She looked slightly pale since this morning and I’m sure she said she was going out to eat. This girl and her lack of eating when she’s in a frenzy. I sounded like I was her Mum. Well, I am old enough to be her Mum

‘I’ve got an idea, let’s get a quick coffee.’  I give in to my earlier thoughts and headed over to desk and opened the top drawer again. Any excuse, right? ‘I fancy some fresh air and you can tell me all about it.’

‘I don’t know what came over me, he just grabbed my wrist and I thought...’ She sighed. I light up my cigarette and took a swig, just what I needed right now. This thinking about stopping can be put on hold for the foreseeable future.

‘You know what? I don’t know what I thought. I just left him there and ran as fast as I could in these,’ Amelia held up her right foot.

‘Are you sure you don’t want to have a smoke?’ I offered her the pack. I’d already got her drinking coffee rather than tea. ‘I think I would need one after running in them,’ I nodded at Amelia’s shoes and looked over and my relatively flat boots. We giggled together like two schoolgirls, seeing the funny side of the joke.

‘I thought you were thinking about giving up?’ Amelia looked over at me slightly confused shaking her head.

‘The thinking is taking a break,’ was the only thing I could muster as I saw Amelia roll her eyes at me. She didn’t approve of me smoking but she did love to come and get some ‘fresh air’ with me.

‘Amelia, look, Matt is different, yes he is a bit of a flirt, you know that he is, but maybe you should give him a chance. Has he ever said anything to hurt you?’ I waited for an answer. Amelia shook her head. ‘Has he ever done anything to physically hurt you?’ Amelia shook her head again. ‘Do you feel safe with him?’

Amelia looked up and thought about it for a few seconds. ‘Yes, I think I do.’

‘Well, there’s your answer then.’ Taking a long swig of my cigarette. Why couldn’t cigarettes last longer?

‘Why do you make things sound so simple?’ Amelia had finished sipping her coffee and was chewing on her cup.

‘When you get to my age,’ I paused while Amelia scoffed at me. Amelia was 20 years younger than me and to think of all things she’s been through made me shudder.

‘You begin to understand these things can be simple. You are stronger than you think.’ I continued.  ‘Look at your situation, do you really think there would be many others who would be able to deal with things the way you have done.’ Amelia was giving me that look which told me I had her undivided attention.

‘Now, don’t get me wrong, as you already know, there are so many things that I would have done differently or not done, but that doesn’t mean that you are not a strong person for dealing with it. Give yourself some credit Amelia.’ I put out my cigarette and started to walk back up the hill. I stopped and turned to make sure Amelia was following me. ‘Give yourself a chance to be happy. Give Matt the chance to woo you. Enjoy it.’ Amelia smiled as she pulled her jacket tighter around her waist. We walked back up the hill back towards our office. The Head didn’t like staff to be smoking so close to the school premises. I got that. It’s not really a professional look and it is embarrassing for students to see me with a cigarette in my hand. It’s just the walk back up which frustrated my lungs more than anything. That’s why you need to give it up Jane. Oh, give over, Miss Goody Two Shoes. I imagined sticking my tongue out to myself.

We talked about the set of lessons we need to teach before and after the Christmas break and map out a plan that we both can contribute towards.

‘Happy to take on more if that makes it easier for you, I’m going to need enough to keep me busy during the two-week break,’ Amelia compares her list to mine. I was surprised.

‘I thought you were going to see your Mum this year?’ Amelia tried to avoid eye contact with me and shook her head. I don’t press the matter.

‘No, I’ve yet to hear from her. I’m going to stay here and try to find somewhere I can move into whilst Daniel is away.’

‘Amelia, you know you are always welcome to stay at mine, even if you move in temporarily and look for another place.’ I thought of the spare double bedroom Michael and I had decorated over the summer break. Amelia had stayed over for few weekends before she found her place with Daniel and it was easier for her to stay over when we had late nights at work. ‘I know there are some more properties being developed by Anderson properties around the corner from you, I received a few leaflets about them in the post the other day. We could give them call’

‘Jane, you are amazing, thank you. I feel a need to find a replacement for me before I look for a place for myself. I can’t put Geoff out. I don’t think Daniel will appreciate that. Maybe then I might no choice but to take you up on your offer?’ Always thinking about other people. ‘The idea of my own place does sound nice though. Maybe that’s what I need to do. I feel like I need space, both physical and mentally. Being around Daniel gets so confusing. On one hand I start to feel like I might want things to be back to how they were but then I don’t think I can trust him.’

I knew it was a bad idea for Amelia to move in with Daniel. It was one of those moments where she had asked me whether it was a good idea or not, but deep down I knew my answer would have been interpreted as an instruction. But, despite me wanting to tell her how bad of an idea it was, I had to let her make her own mind up. If only I’d voiced my concerns.

Geoff was Daniel’s cash cow, paying for everything and anything his son wanted. I could never understand how a 24-year-old had his Dad paying for everything. That itself rung alarm bells but Amelia was adamant that Geoff just didn’t want Daniel to struggle or stress about money and focus on completing his accreditation, which he is now doing for the third and final time. The University had previously succumbed to Geoff’s status and had allowed him to repeat his accreditation year but for the last time. Amelia had managed to tie herself into an ‘Amelia Blake’ loyalty contract with Geoff and paid him rent. He had not asked for the money Amelia had argued she would have had to pay rent regardless of where she stayed. Now she felt an obligation to replace herself so that Geoff wouldn’t be out of pocket, even though that seemed impossible.

‘Promise me you will stay as soon as you have found someone?’

‘I promise,’ Amelia reassured me. ‘Jane, I think I need to find Matt and apologise to him for today. I feel really bad.’ Thinking about others again.

‘Well, we’re done here if you want to catch him after his lesson, you’ve got around, 5 minutes before the bell,’ I looked at my watch. Amelia looked a bit unsure of herself.

‘He won’t turn you away,’ It was like I could read her mind. I hope he puts you first. Amelia took a deep breath and packed up her belongings.

‘Thank you, Jane,’ She came forward and gave me a hug that caught me off guard, so I just froze with my diary in my hand and my bag in the other.

‘OK, shoo, enough of this, you’ll miss him otherwise,’ I guided her out of the room. ‘I’ll see you in the morning.’ Watching her smile as she walked down the stairs and made her way back down to the hill.

Thank goodness it was Friday tomorrow; it was just what we both needed after a crazy week. My phone beeped. Finished early and going to start on food. See you at home beautiful. Michael. X.

Now that was a surprise. Be home soon and can’t wait. Love you. X.  Just what I needed after a long day.