Please love me?

Save me....

What have I done??? My mother will be so dissapointed. I can't do this- I tried to vomit the tablets out by sticking two of my fingers down my throat, but nothing would come out? So this is it? I am going to die?

The dood opened and my family arrived home. My heart was in my throat. How was I going to tell my mom? With a shaky breath I told her the scary truth. I immediately saw the dissapointment in her eyes. She tried to help me vomit again with no luck. My sister and mom ended up taking me to ER. They drew bloods and said my paracetamol levels were high. My sister cried while they were doing the admission. They asked me why I took the tablets? Why? Honestly, I just felt everyone would be better off without me, but I could not say that so I just made something up. I ended up going home that night with my mother barely speaking to me. The doctor made sure to tell my mom I can only take medication under sypervision. All the medication in the medication cupboared was removed and hidden. I had to ask like a child if I wanted anything and my OCD chronic meds had to also be given to me. I was not allowed to stay home alone. I wanted to be alone - not to try anything but to just figure out my feelings. My mother and I went to psychiatrist who did not know why I was overeating. We went to psychologist who explained my body went into survial mode. It was starving so it didnt know when it is going to get food so that is why I am overeating. I first had anorrexia and now bullemia. What more can go wrong? I knew this was my fault. I couldn't say this was a test from God. I couldn't blame anyone but myself. But I blamed my mom for letting me become so thin and now she controls every meal I eat and all we talk about is what I eat - I hate it.

My sister and I barely have a relationship. It feels like she looks down on me.

I try so hard but I can't help hating it when people eat in front of me. Its like I am eating their food with my eyes out of their plates and I get irritated cause I can only eat mine and it's never enough. Than this pain comes in my tummy forcing me to overeat and if I do not comply it feels like I want to claw my eyes out. I go to the closest shop and buy five slab chocolates and ice cream and chips. Than I eat till I cannot anymore, than the same story - I end up vomiting. Sometimes I vomit to make space so I can eat more. It use to be awful to vomit, later it became nice, almost addictive. Two fingers eventually wasnt enough after a while. And eventually I had to push my whole hand in my throat to make myself vomit. My throat became raw, I felt guilty and depressed. It's been 5 years since I have had this eating disorder. How long can I go on like this?