Choosing paths

Decisions

The sendoff email was still fresh in my mail box when I hauled my ass to the bus station, cherry whined for thirty minutes before she let me go, some kisses half way in and I was fueled for the days ahead.

My mom wanted to pick me up, I would have liked that but I tore off my freshmen skin for something, I needed to stay true to the pact I made, freshmen before, freshmen never again.

I was sitting in a bus with an old man’s head on my shoulder listening to the melodic tunes of his snores, things we do for our promises.

I stared out through the window as I listened to music, I enjoyed the view anytime I traveled or went on a road trip, I was a sucker for them.

I chatted back and forth with cherry, rejected a video call because I didn’t trust her not to tease me, I needed a clear head and underwear for this journey no matter how much I loved her.

The journey was over before I could get cute pictures, I could never understand how these buses could make a three-hour trip in one, I could see my mom standing beside our car with a huge grin on her face.

I didn’t react till I saw Becca, squealing like a Disney princess, I dashed into her arms, she was the bigger one so I did the jumping, an “oof” came from her.

“Damn you’ve gotten big girl!” she exclaimed as she juggled me on her waist making me giggle.

“What were you expecting you veggie eater"

“Ah you wound me, I’d prefer to eat veggies for the rest of my life than kil- oh sorry murder innocent animals”

“Well it’s not murdering if they’re meant for food anyway, it’s called surviving”

“I’m sure I’m going to heaven now, call us veggie eaters at least we don’t kill them”

I rolled my eyes, this argument has been on since she watched a video of a cow getting butchered and prepared for consumption, since then she has been a vegan, I still put beef in her sandwiches though, she chomps through them like it’s the end of the world, vegan my fudging foot.

“You uproot the vegetables, isn’t that killing? Aren’t you taking them away from their natural habitat for food? Aren’t you still like us normal people, murderers?” I asked as she feigned a hurt expression, drama queen.

“Do not put me in the same boat with you immoral hooligans”

“Veggie sprout” I retorted

“Leave me be, you animal hunter”

“Hater of nature, if you could eat a tree, we would be in serious trouble by now, you’re the aliens of mankind” I mumbled as she pounced on me, I shrieked trying to get away from her in the tiny compartment, she held on to me as she tickled me mercilessly, I tried to get away from her hungry hands as I kicked and laughed.

“Say you’re a veggie sprout”

“Ne-v-er”

“Say you’re a veggie sprout”

“Oh Go-d plea-s-e, I’m so-rr-y” I gasped out as tears streamed down my face.

“Say it”

“I’M A VEGGIE SPROUT, I SPROUT, I SPROUT” I screamed out as everyone burst into laughter, not me though, I had laughed enough for the day.

Becca was still making fun of me for my outburst while my mom laughed, I pouted for the rest of the ride, humans were a mean bunch.

When we got home I could feel the fatigue seep into my every step, I dragged my bag behind me, dropping pieces of clothing as I walked, I dropped half naked on my queen sized bed.

Becca came in smiling fondly with my clothes in her arms, I returned it weakly as she shed her clothes and spooned me, I relished the feel of her arms around me, I wished it was cherry’s.

**

“Wake up sleepy heads” my mom sung out as she raised the curtains literally blinding me, I groaned.

“Wake up girls” she patted my leg as I yanked it from her and curled into Becca.

“GET ON YOUR FEET RIGHT THIS INSTANT” Becca kicked me off the bed as she shot up, I groaned from the floor as I massaged my head as I whined, b***h.

“Language young lady” my mom growled, the hell how did she hear me?

“Say one more wrong word” My mom took an intimidating step towards me as I gulped.

“Oh pretty damsel of my heart, forgive me the love of my life, the princess of my kingdom, my snoogles booglums”

“Don’t even start, flattery will get you nowhere, get downstairs, your dad just got home”

I frowned, so what was I supposed to do about that? I stood up already in a bad mood, stomped to the bathroom to do my morning rituals before I dragged my feet downstairs.

“Oh look who it is, when did you get back?” my dad asked as he drank a beer at the table, I was staring blankly at him when Becca nudged me. “Did college make you mute? Or just plain dumb?” he gulped loudly making me cringe.

Cherry offered me a luxurious get away, loads of s*x, a fun loving time with my girlfriend and to imagine I declined to put up with this s**t, I took a deep breath reminding myself of my purpose for coming home.

I smiled sweetly “it made me very hard working and useful, thanks for asking”

“What did you just say to me” he growled as he kicked his chair back.

“I just told you what college did to me, it speaks volumes doesn’t it”

He laughed out loud almost shattering my eardrums “Lookie here, you send her off to a foreign land and suddenly she has the balls to talk, pay for her education-“

“I might be dumb but I do know what you're capable of handling dear daddy, it’s definitely not bills”

He marched towards me with murder in his eyes, I glared at him as I stood firm, I hated his guts anyway.

“Since you’ve become so bold, why don’t you speak clearly so I can hear you” his horrible breath invaded my nostrils making me glare harder.

“I sai-“

“That’s enough Ren, apologize to your father” my mom cut me off as she set the table.

“What?”

“I said apologize to your father” she glared at me

“Why do I ha-“

“SHUT UP AND APOLOGIZE TO YOUR FATHER, this is not how we raised you, whatever college drilled into your head, you better remember where you came from before I remind you”

The f**k, I needed to apologize to this grade A douche bag, he was nothing but baggage for us, he never did anything but complain, he never added a quarter to anything useful, conversations or work related, we were never enough for him, we were never ever important to him while he drank his life away and I had to be the one apologizing.

My mom and I had a long and hard staring contest as her veins popped and my blood boiled every second I spent trying to calm myself down.

“If you cannot be obedient and obey almost everything I have taught you, I'm both disappointed and ashamed of you, you can leave the table, you don’t need to eat with us” I pushed my chair back and fled to my room.

Ashamed and disappointed kept resounding through my head, she chose him, she did choose him every time so what was I expecting.

“Katya what has gotten into you, you never talk like that” Becca said as she sat beside me on the bed.

“If you're here to defend him too, I’d advise you to please let me be” she looked stunned as she stared at me.

“Kat whatever college did to you, this isn’t right, you aren’t like this, don’t throw away the good things you have over nothing”

I laughed as I walked to my window, I turned slightly so I could see her, I smiled fondly at her as she stared at me in confusion.

“I didn’t change Becca, it’s just disgusting how normal toxicity is, he leeches and leeches, he breaks and breaks, he takes and takes then takes it all even if you need it, even if you beg for it, he takes it for the bottle, but it’s so normal isn’t it”

“Kat what happened to you? You never talk like this, you always walked away, what changed?”

I stared into the streets as children played and parents screamed for them to get back inside, what changed really, I didn’t know, whatever changed I was the only one not seeing it.

**

“Today’s topic is Honoring thy parents” our priest preached from the altar as my mom glared at the side of my head, the sermon just had to be about me didn’t it?.

“The bible says honor your father and mother so your days will be long, never disobey your parents, never bear ill thoughts towards your parents, always love and care for them, pray for them, honor them, listen to them.

Proverbs 23:22 says Listen to your father who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old” I could swear I saw my mom wipe a tear.

“Colossians 3:20: says Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Open your hearts to the word of the lord, youths and children never let the word of God depart from your heart, never let his words depart from your lips, pray to him for everything and anything.”

I zoned out as we sang hymns, the mass ended, my dad off pretending he was a model citizen, best father and husband, upholding Christian, the f*****g irony.

I thought the whole episode would have blown over by now but I wasn’t ready to apologize and my mom wanted me to lick his shoes while I spilled my hard earned tears and begged for his eternal forgiveness.

Well I said BULLSHIT!, I was tired of living in this cocoon, this annoying hole, I wasn’t happy, you weren’t happy, we weren’t happy, what was the f*****g pretense for, locking all our wrongdoings and sufferings in the bracket of religion.

I analyzed and asked myself how many people would actually make it to the kingdom, the bible, the word, the truth, everything we’ve ever known, the right path, the right way yet everyone does it so wrong, no one is happy, even the greatest commandments not everyone understands it.

What was the essence of the oh so righteous way of life if you aren’t even living according to what you hear and still don’t practice, we lie, we hate, we steal, we blaspheme, we backbite, we do everything we nod our heads to, shed tears to, scream “yes pastor” to, where was the loophole in Christianity.

I walked ahead of my parents on the way home, I didn’t want any repeat of the sermon minutes after hearing it, I got home and made a quick dash to my room not before I heard the unmistakable sound of a bottle opening, I shook my head, some things would never change.

**

“Babe I miss you” cherry’s voice spilled through my phone speaker

“I miss you too love, I should have taken your offer, it’s so crazy here at home” I whined as I rolled all over my bed.

“Well you wanted to be with your family so there was actually nothing I could do to convince you anyway, why were you so interested in going home anyway?”

I chewed my bottom lip as I pondered, I weighed my options as I stared at the girl I loved, I had nothing to lose anyway, she would always have my back.

“Iwanttotellheraboutus”

“Uhmm babe can you speak English and space them, I don’t speak alien”

I blew out a breath “I want to tell her about us cherry”

“What? why?”

“I love you too much cherry, I want it to be out there right now, I don’t know if they’ll accept me but I will always stand by you, I will always choose you"

“Isn’t this too fast babe”

“It’s not babe, after mine we’ll face yours together, I’ll always be with you, I need to know you'll do the same”

“Of course babe whenever you’re ready, I’ll always be here but I need to go now, my mom needs me to check out some things”

“Oh no problem love, just call me later, love you”

“Me too bye”

I shook off the uneasy feeling in my chest, what could go wrong.

**

“Ren”

I turned towards my door, my mom was standing there arms crossed, the day had come where we would finally have “the talk”.

“Yea”

“Can we talk?”

“Sure” I shrugged

She made herself comfortable on my bed as she patted the space next to her, I sat next to her as we enjoyed the peaceful silence.

“What’s the problem Ren, you’ve been off since you came back, is it stress? You never react or blow up, you might have a hot head but you prefer to walk away, what’s changed?”

“Why are you still with him?” I asked instead

“Your father is a good man honey, you just need to see it”

“I didn’t ask about how nice he is, why are you still with him?”

“Because he's your father and I'm his wif-“

“Do you love him?”

She looked stunned before she stared off into the distance, I could see the gray hair amongst her black now, I could see her cheekbones clearly now, I recognized those haunted eyes and all I felt was pity.

“Your father is a nice man ren, don’t forget it, now what has been bothering you?”

This was the moment of truth after all, I paced as I bit my fingernails, how do I break this news, I had the words a minute ago but my head was blank right now.

“I-I- mom- I”

“Oh Ren are you pregnant, oh sweet Jesus, tell me so we can work something out now” she checked my eyes and patted my pale cheeks.

“I-I- mom- I’m”

“Oh Ren, we can work it out baby, how many weeks along are you?”

My vision blurred as it hit me full force, how do I do this? I needed cherry, I walked out of her arms as I put some much needed space between us, i needed to woman up.

“I’m bi mom” I closed my eyes afraid of her reaction.

“Bi what honey, bi annual, you’re confusing me baby, is that what the doctor told you?” she reached for me as I stepped away from her.

“I'm bi s****l mom, bi s****l”

She looked confused then recognition before disgust, I wished I could take it all back at that moment, I wished I could keep hiding myself.

“What did you say?"

“Mom-I-I”

“”You're kidding right, this is just payback for all the times you’ve held anger in your heart towards us, I can’t have an abomination under my roof so take it back”

“I can-“

Smack

My ears buzzed from the force of the slap, I held my face as I stared at her in disbelief

“Take it back right this instant Katya, we’ll pretend it never happened” she growled.

“I can-”

Smack

I ran my tongue through my split lip as I tried to hold in tears.

“TAKE IT BACK RIGHT NOW” she screamed in my face.

“I CAN’T, I CAN’T, I CAN’T, IT’S WHO I AM, I’M STILL ME, I HAVENT CHANGED”

“YOU DISGUSTING FAG, YOU’RE GOING TO BURN IN HELL WITH YOUR STUPID FAG FRIENDS, NO ONE WILL LOVE OR ACCEPT YOU, EVEN THE BIBLE SPEAKS OF THE DOOM THAT AWAITS YOUR KIND, I CANT BELIEVE I GAVE BIRTH TO SUCH A HUGE DISGRACE, I’D RATHER BE KNOWN AS BARREN THAN BE THE MOTHER TO A FAG LIKE YOU, YOU DISGUST ME”

Tears streamed down my face as I stared at the stranger before me, even if I took it back, nothing could ever go back to the way it was, never again, she would always look at me different, I would always be different.

“Mo-“

“I’M NOT YOUR MOTHER, GET THE f**k OUT OF MY HOUSE” I stared in disbelief as she threw all my clothes on the floor kicking some out of the room.

“Mo-“

Smack

“Get your things and get out, you’re no longer welcome in this house so leave” she pushed me making me trip on the clothes on the ground as I hit the ground head first, my vision blurred as I groaned.

I struggled to stand as she put all my clothes in a trash bag and threw them outside, I felt a wave of dizziness as I took my first step, I clung to the wall for balance.

“GET OUT” she screamed as she dragged me down the stairs and pushed me out the door.

I tripped over the trash bag as I landed on my left arm, I felt it twist making me scream, I heard the door slam as I tried to get my bearings, my head was throbbing and my arm was broken? Twisted? Fractured? I couldn’t even tell, I took a long sleeve out of the trash bags and made a sling.

I had gotten over the wave of dizziness when I felt tiny droplets on my face, I watched the clouds change as it began to rain.

Drizzling had turned to a downpour, I tied the bag with my clothes as I balanced it on my right shoulder, I began to walk down town, I would get a hotel for the night.

I couldn’t stop thinking this was all a dream and I would wake up soon, pinching myself only brought back my dizziness so I settled for a miracle, my mom would overlook it for this night and let me stay, she would accept me, she would have a change of heart … but nothing happened.

I walked in the pouring rain, I didn’t even know what was running down my face, my tears or the rain, I was scared, battered and bruised, I just wanted cherry, I reached for my phone as I trembled, I placed a quick call to cherry as I braved the storm, I was just minutes away from the hotel.

“Hey babe, what’s up?”

“I-I- I tol-d he-r”

“What? Where are you? Are you ok? Are you fine?”

“Hot-el downt-o-w-n, not ok” I managed to say through my chattering teeth.

“I'm on my way baby, I’ll come for you, I love you, I’ll come for you”

I checked into the hotel, thanking God for the shelter, it wasn’t that bad, it was even better for me, my savings could carry this room for a long while but cherry was coming, I wouldn’t need to stay here for too long.

I took a long steamy shower, checked my arm for any anomaly, it was bruised but didn’t seem broken, I had a few cuts on my head, a swollen cheek, some slight bruises over my body but I was fine, at least physically, the rest, I couldn’t analyze them yet.

I settled down, wore my almost wet pyjamas, slipped through the sheets as I waited for her call, for the knock, I was beyond exhausted but I wanted to wait, cherry said she would come, in four hours max she would be here.

I waited till the four hours came and went, I closed my eyes as I wadded into unconsciousness.

She didn’t call

She didn’t text

She never came.