Still Becoming

Chapter 3: Between Hope and Doubt

The days after my interview felt longer than usual.

Every morning, I’d wake up hoping for a message, a call, an email something. Anything. Pero araw-araw, pareho pa rin. Wala.

I still remember the way I’d stare at my phone, refreshing my inbox, checking the spam folder just in case.

It became part of my daily routine wake up, check email, breathe in disappointment, then pretend I’m fine.

“Baka busy lang sila,” I told myself one night, scrolling through job listings again.

“Baka next week.”

Pero habang tumatagal, mas nararamdaman ko ‘yung bigat ng paghihintay.

At home, things weren’t easy either. Every time the topic of work came up, the atmosphere changed.

One night during dinner, Papa asked,

“Wala pa bang balita sa inaplayan mo sa Baguio?”

I shook my head, poking my food with a fork. “Wala pa po, Pa. Baka next week po mag-update.”

He sighed. “Sayang din ‘yung pamasahe mo ro’n. Sana dito ka na lang naghanap. Ang dami namang hotel dito.”

Before I could even answer, Mama added softly, “Baka hindi ka rin magtagal doon, anak. Mahirap mag-isa sa malayo.”

Tahimik lang ako. I didn’t want to argue. But inside, my heart whispered, “Hindi niyo lang alam kung gaano ko ‘to gustong subukan.”

That night, I went out to the small terrace. The stars were faint, but they were there. I hugged my knees and stared up, feeling the cold breeze brush my skin.

I thought about my future, about how blurry everything looked right now.

I wanted to cry, pero pinipigilan ko. Kasi baka kapag nagsimula na akong umiyak, hindi na ako tumigil.

“Lord,” I whispered, “kailan ko po mararamdaman ‘yung sagot? Hindi ko naman hinihingi na madaliin. Gusto ko lang po maramdaman na may pupuntahan ‘to.”

A single tear rolled down my cheek, and I wiped it quickly. Hindi ako pwedeng sumuko. Hindi pa ngayon.

A week later, I decided to apply again, not just to wait.

Maybe Baguio wasn’t the only door. Maybe there were other chances out there waiting for me to knock.

So I updated my résumé again, fixed my photo, and sent out applications to every hotel and café I could find online.

Still, each time I’d send one, there was that little voice whispering, “What if wala ring reply?”

Reality hit harder when I saw my wallet.

Halos wala nang laman.

Magastos kasi ang araw-araw na paghahanap. Pamasahe, pagkain sa labas, kahit ‘yung simpleng kape habang nag-aantay ng interview lahat may presyo.

And even if I got hired somewhere nearby, halos walang matitirang ipon.

“Wala ka rin maiiipon sa sahod mo,” I remembered Mama’s words echoing in my head.

“Lahat mapupunta lang sa renta, sa pagkain, sa pamasahe.”

Totoo nga. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how hard it really is to survive on your own.

But still I wanted to try.

One afternoon, I got a message from a small hotel not far from the city.

“Hi, we saw your application. Can you come for an interview tomorrow?”

I froze for a second, then smiled. Another chance. Maybe not as big as the one in Baguio, but still a chance.

That night, Mama noticed me ironing my clothes again.

“May interview ka ulit?” she asked.

“Opo, Ma. Bukas po. Sa may city lang.”

“Ah, mabuti naman. Dito ka na lang muna, ha?”

Her tone was gentler this time. Maybe she saw how much I was trying.

When I lay in bed that night, I thought about everything I’d been through the past weeks the waiting, the rejections, the silence.

And yet, here I was, still trying. Still believing.

Maybe success wasn’t about getting the best job right away.

Maybe it was about staying hopeful, even when you feel like giving up.

I whispered to myself before closing my eyes,

“Basta tuloy lang. Darating din ‘yung para sa akin.”

And with that, I drifted to sleep tired, uncertain, but somehow, still holding on to hope.