The Chronicles of the Caltamere Twins: The Prophecy

Unwanted Memories

I can’t shake them off. I walked away from the place that reminds me of my failure, reminds me of that crimson room. My birthday is not something to be celebrated with. A very precious friend of mine died at the eve of my birthday. It feels so wrong celebrating my birth when someone died before me. My reason for unwanted birthday celebration is this reminder and Joan, especially mom; they’ve unlocked memories, emotions that I suppressed for three years. I couldn’t breathe from the surge of darkness consuming my whole being.

I’d walk away and let my feet carry me to wherever they want me to be. I don’t know how long I was walking. Surrounding Roasting Rods is the Stargazer Woods. My feet carried me deep within these woods. It’s getting dark, owls are cooing in the distance, cicadas started their symphonies, I continued my escape.

Consumed by the unwanted memories emerging inside of my head, I feel so nauseated, butterflies running wild inside my stomach, my heart pounding so loud the whole woods can hear it. That night was horrible. I’ve never seen such evil could transpire in my life. This overwhelming emotion inside me, I’ve contained them for three years. Locked. Chained. Boxed. Ignored. Just with this event in the Rods, the containment is loosening. It’s like a roaring beast struggling to come out, to break the chains, the lock. To come out and consume me once again with grief, guilt, and everlasting pain, my feet increased their pace. As if turning into a run would make them go away. I ran deeper into the woods until I reached the place where I last met her. The place where she sleeps soundly, ignorant of what happened to me, ignorant of the things I did to make her think I’m innocent, that I’m not involved in her demise. That fateful night, it broke me.

I ended up in Stonehill Cemetery. Through the woods, a path goes directly to the east entrance of this sanctuary of the forgotten, sanctuary for the grief and pain, a place to relive regrets, sorrow, and unfulfilled wishes, a place where the living feels the dead once again.

I don’t know what time it is or how long I was standing at the entrance, not moving an inch. Puffing for air as I try to calm down, as I try to hold up the waterworks in my eyes, I stared distantly towards the direction of her place, of her peaceful tomb. She’s there. I could only imagine how she looks at me right now. I can only imagine her disappointment that I failed her, that I broke my promise to her. It is something I truly desire that I could have a chance to redo my steps and do something different. Maybe, just maybe, she could still be alive, enjoying juniors together. She could still be alive doing the things she loved most. She could still be alive dating a boy she fancies. All those pleasures of teenage years were robbed away by me. I’m standing here alive and she's dead. I’m enjoying my high school days while she sleeps eternally six feet below the ground. I should be there with her. I shouldn’t have left her side.

My eyes couldn’t stop it. My tears just fall on their own. I am swallowed by my grief and regret. My chest is constricting, the caged emotions are struggling to get out. My wavered resolve trying to put them all back. But it’s too much. My knees gave up, my hands on the ground still trying to support my body from the burden of my chest. I’m forgetting how to breathe. This pain is blocking all senses. Everything is going away. I gasped for air, but my lungs rejected them. I’m losing my sight. The dark humus of a ground is moulding to one gigantic black pit. My hands were slowly being consumed by this darkness.

Air is being sucked out of me. I can no longer breathe. I’m losing consciousness. I struggled to look past the entrance towards her direction. I want to speak but no voice comes out. I know I’m already hallucinating because a bright light shone before me, approaching me, lightening up the darkness I’m in. The light seemed like it was speaking, calling for my name. But the darkness is too much. I can’t fight it anymore. My hands gave way. The light disappeared. Slowly, the loudness of these caged memories consume every inch of me. I don’t care anymore. I gave in to the darkness inside me. I closed my eyes and let it drift me elsewhere.

I have no sense of time. What time is it? How long have I been hovering on this void? What’s my last memory before I came to this stillness? Wait. I am not still. I am moving. I try to listen to sounds; maybe it could give me a clue on what’s happening. No, I can’t hear anything. But there’s this one distinction that I’ve detected. Is that wax? Leather? No, it’s lemon, the very nauseating smell of lemon. There is only one kind of smell that I hate is that lemon flavoured car freshener. I’m in a car then. That smell pulled me out of the void completely. It’s giving me a headache. I know whose car this is and I’ve told the owner to get rid of that ridiculous smell.

I forced my lips to form words and it just went out as a groan. I tried again and I said, “How many times have I told you to get rid of that awful smell?” I slowly opened my eyes and turned to see this lovely creature of a driver.

“You don’t have the right to complain to the driver, Jenny,” Rick said. “You know I’m the only one who knew where you were.” I could feel a disappointment in his voice. Figures, he gave me that pitiful look earlier. I wouldn’t blame him if he sees me as a terrible person for walking out like that.

“Everybody’s looking for you,” he continued. “Your mom told us to let you go to give you space but Joan? Joan doesn’t know and neither do the rest of the people back there.”

“I don’t need your lecture, Rick. You know perfectly well why,” I said defensively.

“Joan doesn’t deserve it,” Rick said firmly. “She had no idea what happened to you three years ago. She consistently tried to understand you despite everything. You’re being unfair to her.”

I bit my lip from his argument. He’s absolutely correct. I’m being unfair to Joan. I kept this secret from her because I’m too afraid she’ll leave me and brand me as failure. Among my friends, Rick is the only one who knew about this. He was the one who called the cops right after he saw her uncle parked his truck across our street. Rick knew the situation. She’s also Rick’s friend. The three of us grew together and played together. He’s the only one I can confide with my secret.

“Rick,” I started. “I am grateful to you for being quiet all these years to our friends about what happened that night. I – I – I just can’t tell Joan yet. I’m not ready.” My voice broke down and tears started to well up in my eyes.

“You weren’t there when she looked at me, when she took the blow to save me. I promised her, Rick. I promised her! And she still died!” I cried. “She died in front of me, Rick! She died because of me. Because I was not able to protect her! What’s the use of these fighting skills if I couldn’t protect who’s precious to me? She still died, Rick! Despite how I fought hard, she’s gone and—”

“You’re alive!” Rick said firmly as he gazed at me gently. “She died, yes. But you are alive. Do you think she wants you to feel this way? How would she feel when she sees you like this, huh? What do you think she would tell you? Do you think she would be at peace seeing you like this?”

“Stop it! You don’t know how I feel. You knew what happened but you do not know how I feel about this! Stop asking questions about how she would react to me. Don’t you think I haven’t asked that to myself? I had! Million times! And I still feel like crap!”

I guess that ended our conversation. Rick fixed his eyes on the road and stopped gazing at me. I also calmed down and looked outside the window. Rick is right. He’s always right. She doesn’t want me to be like this. But this is the only way that I could feel she’s alive in me. My guilt and regrets clings her life to mine.

“You know,” Rick started to break the silence. “I did sort of warn Joan that it’s a bad idea, surprising you at a party. But the way she gets excited about these things, it made me hope that maybe you’ll loosen up a little.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked. “Why? Why would you even think about that? Why would you even consider if I loosen up or not? You don’t get to decide that.” He does not get to do that. It is my life, my emotions. He does not have a role in letting this cage break up. He can’t and he shouldn’t. Why would he? I don’t get him.

Rick didn’t reply back and continued driving in silence. He didn’t hover much on the subject. In fact, he completely ignored me for the rest of the drive. I don’t get him. We’re friends, yes. We have limitations, borderlines where not everyone could get through unless they are permitted to. Why does he keep on going beyond? While I was contemplating on how he’s treating me, the car slowed down and he pulled it to park at our house. I turned to look at Rick’s direction and he is still giving me this silence. His face was pained like I’d hurt him at some point. I don’t understand him.

I don’t like this silence so before I hopped off of his car I said, “Thanks for finding me and giving me a ride home.” I waited for him to say something. But he just pursed his lips and gave a slight nod at me. I kind of feel sad about how it turned out between him and me. During this ride, I’ve been in deep thought of why he’s doing this to me and when I said the things I thought it’s just appropriate since we’re friends, it confuses me on how he reacted. I linger a little longer waiting for him to say something but he was hard as a rock and just silently waiting for me to get off.

I gave up and when I was reaching for the handle, his warm hands reached for mine, that jump started my perplexed emotions. I snatched it away knowing that my now quieted emotions may once again be released if I let him hold it. Why would he do that? Without a second thought, I hurried myself off his car and without looking back, I walked towards home. I could still feel his eyes on me, him doing that is not helping. I am now disturbed internally and when he shows some affection towards me, some concern; it brings a lot of questions.

Rick started his car and drove away once I reached the porch. I dared to look back and he was gone. I do not really understand any of this at all. I feel like I’d hurt him and yet I’m not sure how. This night is totally nerve-wrecking. But I have a feeling that it’s not finished. Well, the porch light is on so I’m guessing mom’s home. I’ll be hearing from her some more. Hang on, she said she’ll be at the hospital. I guess that was just her excuse for the surprise.

Will mom reprimand me for my behaviour? Whatever, I’m mad now. Throwing a party for my birthday, which I utterly disapproved of, without even considering how I feel. As I reached for the doorknob, the door opened so sudden that I had to jump back. A man was standing in front of me. He was wearing this coffee trench coat and a pair of brown leathered gloves. He has this square shoulder built of an athlete and he was tall, maybe six, seven foot. When he saw me startled at him standing in front of me, he just gently grinned at me and what’s most distinct in his feature was his green eyes. I’ve never seen anyone with green eyes before. He softly nodded at me and hurriedly walked away from our house. I wonder who that weird man is.

As the man disappeared from the corner, I showed myself in and announced that I’m home. The hallway was a bit dim and the only room that was lit was my mom’s study near the living room. She appeared from her study as she heard me. I looked at her and my mom was just standing at her door deciding on what to do with me.

“If you’re mad at me--,” Mom caught me mid-sentence when she approached me with a hug. I didn’t expect that I would receive a hug from her rather I was actually readying myself for an argument. My body was not ready for this contact since I just stood there without moving as my mom’s hug squeezed tighter.

After maybe a few seconds, she let go of me and looked me in the eye. Mom was crying. I could see the swelled up eyes and the redness of her cheeks. She was crying. Is she feeling sorry for me? I told her not to because, if she cries, my heart will start to waver, again. I couldn’t keep this up. Once mom showed her emotion towards me, the cage just broke loose and my eyes welled up even more than earlier.

When my mom felt I was about to break, she pulled me back to her embrace and I just poured everything to her, all of it. I just couldn’t contain it anymore. With just one reminder, everything I worked hard for to hide and suppress this feeling, it wavers and loosens. Mom is my only safety net. She knows how I’m hurting inside, so why did she put through this surprise? Why did she go along with it? What did she think would change?

When my heart had calmed down, my mom patted my head and faced me. She is now giving me her heartfelt smile and said, “I’m sorry for everything you’ve been through. Your mom is just trying to look out for you. I know you feel a lot of pain inside you and I will not force you to pour it all out until you’re ready.”

I listened to her gentle voice. Whenever she says things like this, it helps me calm down. I wiped my tears and composed myself. I think I will be okay.

“Do you want to eat something?” she asked. I noticed it was already late and I haven’t eaten anything yet. But I’m not hungry nor am I the mood for a meal. I just forced a smile at my mom and shook my head. She released me from her hug and I let myself to my room. After I’ve taken three steps of stairs, I stopped and glanced at our living room. Normally, if something bad happened in a house, people moved. But we didn’t. The living room that I’m looking at is the same living room where she died. I’d almost died there, too, but I was saved. I was saved, but she wasn’t. I struggled to look away and climbed the stairs. I reached my room without any incident but as soon as I closed the door behind me, my legs betrayed me.

I stumbled on the floor, hands on my chest as I could feel the pounding of the cage wanting to break free. I struggled with agony to suppress them. I can’t. It is too much. I want to scream. And I did, silently.