Bulky & Beauteous

Chapter 2-2

The next morning I woke to the sound of Cassandra emptying her stomach in my bathroom. Sam helped me drag her to the couch and we put a trash can under her nose before we both passed out again. In the not so bright light of the morning, I questioned, again, why I bothered helping Cassandra.

The sound of her wrenching filled my ears again, making sleep impossible. Groaning, I rolled out of bed and padded into the kitchen. By the time Cass stopped throwing up and I heard the sink running, Sam was in the kitchen, coffee was done, and two slices of toast popped up from the toaster.

"Remind me again why we spend all our weekends chasing your sister instead of being chased by some hot men," Sam begged in a groggy morning voice.

"I was wondering the same thing. I wish I could let go like she does and not care about what sort of situation I ended up in," I confessed.

Sam snorted. "Yeah, but who would drag your a*s home? Cassandra? You couldn't do what she does because you have a brain. And a decent amount of common sense."

I nodded in agreement then froze when I heard Cassandra clear her throat behind us. Sam and I exchanged guilty looks, feeling bad for telling the truth about my disaster of a sister.

"Thanks," Cass said, uncharacteristically. "One of these days I need to turn my life around. Be more like you, Addi. I'm sorry I keep dragging you into my messes. I won't call you anymore."

"Aw, Cass, don't be like that. You know I'll always be there to help you."

"Yeah, because I have no brain and no common sense." Cass took a deep, shuddering breath and continued, "I guess she's right though. I'm a mess. If you weren't always there to save me God only knows what sort of trouble I'd have gotten in. I'd probably be dead by now. I’d probably still be a virgin, too.”

"Cass, don't get so upset. Sam just meant-"

"She meant I'm a complete f**k up and all I do is screw up your life. Hell, I'm probably the reason you don't have a life!"

Damn, that one hurt.

My hand flew to my chest unconsciously. I sucked in a sharp breath as tears burned my eyes. "I have a life, Cass. I have a job I love, a great group of friends, and I'm happy."

"Oh, please," Cass said sharply, "you're making me bored just talking about it. Where's the fun, the adventure? Neither of us has figured it out yet. I'm a disaster, but at least I'm not hiding away, existing instead of living."

A quick pain shot through my chest, Cassandra's words hitting their mark. She knew exactly what to say to make me feel like s**t for her being so screwed up. We'd had the same argument many times over the years, where she'd say she was going to change, then accuse me of being boring. No matter how many times she said it, it always hurt. I couldn't let it go the way I did with the drunk assholes I rescued her from. Those were just faceless men, no one of significance. But Cassandra... I couldn't push past the angry words my sister said to me.

Not when I knew they were true.

"I gotta go home. Mom wants me there early to help her with the sweet potato casserole. I'll see you later," Cass said, then left.

The silence that filled the kitchen echoed around in my head. Sam didn't say anything, just let me process. I knew she was trying to help, but what I really wanted was to hear that Cassandra was wrong. I wasn't boring, I wasn't existing, I was living my life.

But Sam wouldn't lie to me.

She'd been trying to get me to go out with her. Whenever she was dating someone new she offered to set me up with one of his friends. She pushed, gently, but it was still there. Sam agreed with Cassandra.

After all it’d only been a month since Lexi’s mom’s wedding when Sam tried to talk me into having some fun, changing things a bit.

"You don't have to live your life like her. You know that right?" Sam said finally. Her voice was soft, something I never associated with my tough as nails best friend. Sam didn't do soft unless she was trying to lessen the blow of what she was saying.

"She's right and you know it. I haven't had a real relationship since Steve, and that was more than five years ago. The most action I get is going to the gynecologist every year. I live in fear, playing it safe. You've been telling me the same thing for years, just not as directly."

"Yeah, well, your sister is a b***h. I'm sorry, but that's the truth. She never should have said those things to you. There's nothing wrong with how you live your life. I push because I want you to be happy. Once upon a time you talked about getting married, having a family. Hell, even getting a cat. Lately all you've done is work and hang out with everyone. And rescue Cass. If you're happy, then good. But I see the way you look at Mandy and Xander, Claire and Aidan, and now Lexi and Mike. You want that. And it's okay to want that, but you need to put yourself out there if you're ever going to get it."

Sam was right. As our friends found love I wanted it more and more. No matter what though, it always seemed like love was just out of reach.

Not that I'd been trying very hard. Putting myself out there, taking a chance... I had a hard time doing that. Maybe it was time to change that.

"It's hard, Sam. I don't know how you date so many guys and don't think twice when a relationship implodes. I couldn't handle it. Or how Lexi could have no strings attached s*x with Mike.”

Sam shrugged and poured herself a cup of coffee. As she spread butter over the toast I made for Cassandra she said, “For one, Lexi wasn’t able to do it without strings. She and Mike fell for each other. As for me,” Sam shrugged. “You get used to it. I don't go into a relationship waiting for it to fail. I go in looking to have fun. As long as I am having fun, it's all good. If a relationship works out, then great. If not, I'll find another one."

It sounded so simple from Sam's point of view. Have fun. If I stop having fun then it's time for the relationship to be over.

I laughed to myself. Like I could ever sit back and just enjoy something. I’d always waited for relationships to blow up in my face. Granted I knew that was part of why they did. I brought it on myself. I wasn’t one of those nit picky women who pointed out every little thing a guy did wrong, but I certainly didn’t avoid issues either.

Damn. I didn’t know if it was in me to just chill out and let it happen.

“It’s not you, Addi. You shouldn’t try to be me, or to be Cassandra. Just be you. If that’s not good enough for people then screw ‘em. You’ll find someone one day who’ll make you want to come out of your hole and try again. Until then, don’t worry about it.”

Sam breezed out of the kitchen like she’d just told me it was going to rain later. She had no idea how much her words stung. I wasn’t trying to hide, but I wasn’t going to go around screwing every guy out there either. But being Cassandra seemed so much easier at times.