That Four Letter Word

E is for embarrassment

Honestly, I actually really wanted to see Oakley's band play. I still was angry with him, but I admired his passions of percussion. I remember in middle school hearing his dad had bought him a Pearl Roadshow drum set for his thirteenth birthday. He was so excited saying he was going to be just like Travis Barker. You can see his eyes look all dazed as he imagined himself on the big stage just destroying his drum set with a passion. He invited us over so we went to his house that Saturday to hear his absolute worst performance I've ever witnessed. It was only up from there though. He kept improving with his skill practically using only memory to play covers of mostly Blink-182 and Linkin Park. Sadly, he blew Connor and Lewis off more with his new obsession. They didn't mind though since their gloomy friend finally found a passion rather then complain about his day to day life as the kid with shitty parents. See his parents were apart of old money that helped establish a lot of the commercial real estate here on the coast, but their perfect smiles were just for show. Their home life wasn't all what 'Southern Living's Number One Successful Family of the Coast' described them as.

High school came and his father completely turned his opinion about the drums making it seem like a wasted fantasy to be famous for playing an instrument that was known to be in the background. He wanted Oakley to be anything BUT in the background. It was crushing seeing Oakley revert back to his ill-lit personality. Being fifteen and told your dreams are unattainable from your own parents is a one way ticket to teenage angst. After his confession in AP English, I did my best to ask him everyday has he played or learned anything new. He found me annoying, but always seemed to let me know about his new attempts or list of songs he's eager to cover.

I envied that passion. He LOVES music. It was obvious no matter how nonchalant he wanted to seem. I cared about taking care of animals and the planet, but it was more volunteering. My mother and father were super supportive of my dreams, but the sad thing is I didn't have any dreams or passions. I didn't see a future for me; and yeah I get it, I was a freshman in high school there is plenty of chances to figure out what I could do, but in all actuality I had a feeling I would never grasp that feeling.

***

August 2011

"Oh my god! We are only sophomores and they want us to have a whole college game plan? The hell!" Jo complained as we made our way up the main hallway. We were finally out of the Freshman hallway and embracing our time as Sophomores. Honestly it felt the same as before being our first week back to school. I still felt as lost as ever managing my way to the confusing hallways of our campus.

"I mean I get why they want us to start thinking about it, Jo. It's our futures, but I do agree we shouldn't be pressured so hard on our first week", I sighed hooking my arm with hers. Olivia trailed behind us eyes glued to her phone. During the summer she avoided Jo and I for weeks until she confessed she spent a lot of time with some boy from an opposing school. We found it cute, but she acted as if we were unimportant. Olivia and I were still on the fence since 'making up' if you can even call it that. She's been weird. We can have good conversation if it's a general topic, but if it's about me personally she tends to avoid commenting as she used to in the past. Oakley and I haven't spoke since the end of freshman year when we said 'bye loser' on our last day of school. I didn't understand her jealousy about the topic of 'Oakley and I's nonexistent connection'. He was annoying and she was also starting to really get on my nerves. Oakley and I didn't even have any classes together. We were on opposite of the AP schedules, but the crew all had the same lunch so we designated our bench the hot lunch spot. His hair was now in a buzz cut which surprisingly made his head look appropriate to his own body. I don't really know why my eyes kept wandering to his lack of hair, but today I decided to avoid that feeling. If I wanted to rekindle this friendship with Olivia, Oakley was needed to be put on a back burner. That's what friends do, right?

"This is us!" Jo said stopping in front of her Spanish class while Olivia walked in behind her. I unhooked arms and waved at her while running back down the stairs in a rush to make it to my Government class. Well I thought I was going down the stairs at a reasonably fast pace, but gravity said, "f**k you, Maeve!"

My ass skidded down the last three steps as a few stragglers rushed to their classes witnessing the horrendously embarrassing scene. I heard a snicker to see Oakley walking toward me with some other skinny asian kid, Kevin. "Damn, Maeve, you're clumsier than ever," Oakley towered over me with that condescending grin of his. Kevin's hand shot in view and I took it graciously. I muttered a 'thanks' as I scooped my bag up before shooting a glare at Oakley who was still holding in his laugh behind a fist. I stuck my middle finger up before limping to class.

I was definitely avoiding The Bench today.

***

"Pick up the Phone! Answer your Text! Well I apologize about last night, I really did not mean to disrespect", I dramatically flipped my hair over my shoulder giving my mirror a sultry gaze,"You! You better be alone, no, I'm not obsessed! But if I catch you with somebody else, you know that I am gonna be upset!" I dramatically fell back on my bed arching my back and throwing an arm over my forehead as Ronnie Radke continued screaming his heart out to this toxic relationship in the relationship. Sadly I've never had someone so passionately obsessed about me as what he sings about, but I have to say I'm glad because I would never want someone to lay their hands on me.

"Nice. Anyway drinks tonight right?" Jo said in the doorway holding two Rolling Stones tees; one being white and the other being a black distressed color. I pointed to the black knowing it would look delicious for the concert tomorrow night. Jo was staying the night tonight so we could spend tomorrow having a relaxing girl's day before the concert tomorrow. Work hasn't been as stressful and Oakley has not reached out since our awkward lunch. I wonder why? Kidding... no I don't. Why would I care? I mean... he was trying to apologize which I guess is a big step for him. I am a bit surprised that he did, but I mean we are adults. He's still an asshole and it will never happen again.

"Let's stick to wine so we aren't drained tomorrow. I can't do a tequila night and concert like we used to for Warped tour and that one Beyoncé concert we went to", I weakly laughed sitting up straight looking towards my closet. I didn't see an importance to look eagerly as good as Jo for tomorrow. She's bringing her little boy toy as her date so I knew I'd be a third wheel. I don't wanna impress anyone there, but also the idea of dressing to the point Oakley's mouth wate-

WOAH NELLY HA HA WHAT

I cleared my throat and shot up from the bed inching to my walk in closet. I loved that all 3 sides were filled black. Black meant power. Black was sexy, elegant, and the only color to ever make me feel as if I wasn't a frail 17 year old stuck in a grown woman's body. I walked toward the side with casual mixture since I knew I'd want something cheaper to wear in case I got beer spilt on me.

"Cmon add some color, MAEVE!" Jo wrapped her arms around my neck tugging me down to her shorter stature. I let out a dramatic choking sound feeling her shove me playfully with a laugh. "Black really? You wear it everyday! Don't you want Oakley to see you in something that pops? Shove it in his face of how much of pretentious d**k he is and that you're super hot now and will never give into his ways," She raised her neck with a sweet grin. Any day I'd probably agree with her, but I softly smiled back before looking back at the clothes hanging up.

"I don't want to be seen Jo", my voice came out shaken and soft which was a side only Jo and maybe my mother has seen. I pulled out a distressed t-shirt and a black pair of denim shorts. I showed her and she nodded her head with a worried expression. "This is good and fishnets and a harness with some Docs. That's as good as it gets for me. It's a concert and knowing me when it comes to any metal or punk concert I'll be moshing." Jo widened her eyes and walked out of my closet.

"I still don't get why you like that. I do NOT want to be hit by a sweaty man unless he is spanking my ass red", she stated pointing a finger in the air and smacking her ass with the other winking back at me. I couldn't help shaking my head and giggling at her. Honestly I could agree with the spanking part, but the moshing helped get months or even years of frustration out in one night.

"Last I checked you go for younger guys and make them call you mommy", she put her finger to her lip shushing me before snatching her clothes and escaping out the doorway her shadow following her to the guest bedroom.

I threw my outfit on my desk chair before grabbing my phone clicking the power button to a screensaver of me on Jo's back with both hands in peace signs as we are laughing hard. I would have no clue where I would be in this world without her. I swear she is my platonic soulmate. Flopping down onto my bed my fingerprint unlocked the phone and I scrolled through i********: watching multiple organizing videos or makeup tutorials. A notification popped down the top of my screen 'Oakley Kent followed you'. I pressed the notification as it sent me to his page to see a very aesthetically pleasing array of photos. Most in black and white playing the drums at gigs or mirror pics that had me swallowing the pool of drool down my throat. I breathed in shakily as I found a picture of him shirtless with I assume one of his friends while they enjoyed the sun in Tampa.

"Jesus, f**k", I said under my breath looking at how much he changed from scrawny teenager to this beautifully built man. I wouldn't say he's sculpted from the gods like the statue of David or anything. He had wider shoulders and chest than before and he didn't have abs but it was toned in a way that suited him. Construction definitely did him well...

I rolled onto my back starting to scroll up when my thumb hit the picture activating the heart button.

"f**k f**k f**k f**k! NO NO NO!" I immediately unliked it and threw the phone to the other side of the bed biting my fingernail. I can't believe I just did that.

He couldn't have seen it. It probably didn't send a notification, right?

I heard a buzz and slowly crawled up my bed to peer down at the screen.

The Asshole

Who's the stalker now?

I stuffed my face down into the pillow groaning out. I've been so frustrated lately this is honestly ridiculous. HE frustrates me. Frustrates me with that smug face and that stupid perfect teeth. Stupid strong arms and dumb wide back I just wanna grip while riding his co-

It's been a while...

It has been a while. I'm sure Jo is busy so maybe a few minutes to relieve some stress would be fine. I stared toward the bedroom door and to my side table drawer. I mean... it won't hurt. I doubt she can hear with the door closed.

Fuck it.

I hopped up tiptoeing to my door shutting the door quietly and locking it. I just need a little release that's all. I walked to the side table pulling the handle until the little white drawer opened revealing my trusty purple dildo. I mean I'm a vibrator girl too but I tend to get a bit loud with that and I'm positive Jo doesn't want to hear me get off. I placed it on the bed as I slipped my pants off and crawled back onto the mattress spreading my legs. My fingers ran up the outer part of my thigh and down the inner as I soaked in the feeling of my skin becoming tender under my touch. I pressed my head into the multiple pillows as my eyes closed. Relax. I breathed in sharply pressing my back into the mattress as my fingertips trailed up my belly pushing my shirt up to reveal my chest. My n*****s hardened immediately from the cold temperature of my bedroom. I found myself squeezing and tugging the buds with my pointer and middle finger causing a soft mewl to escape my lips. I kept tugging as I raised my hips feeling the cool air kiss the tender skin of my lower lips. I had a huge thing for temperature play during 'me time'. Feeling an ice cold room with warmed hands or even warming lube on my toys had me overly sensitive and gave me the best orgasms I could ever wish for. Like who needs a man when I can c*m hard from silicone?

Aw hell who am I kidding. I need to get dicked down more than the prostitute at 7-eleven needing to pay her rent.

One hand went down to start rubbing slowly clockwise with just enough pressure to help start my build up. My face was now turned to the side as I let out soft breaths.

MORE. I need MORE. I grabbed my toy slipping the tip between my lips as I soaked it with my drool. I continued this motion until saliva dripped down to the base. I pressed the toy to my now drenched p***y inching it in slowly. It had been a while since I've played so as soon as I got it half way in I let out a muffled moan into my pillow. Pulling it out slowly, I pressed it back inside hard causing another unholy noise to escape my lips. I continued until I was at a steady pace f*****g my soaked cunt with my dildo. It was euphoric really. Getting f****d would be much better, but I will take what I can get.

"Maeve... Maeve you there?" I heard a muffled noise. It didn't sound like Jo. It was a much deeper voice. My eyes widen as I sat up seeing that I was infact on a call with 'The Asshole'. "Maeve you better f*****g answer me."

What has the world come to that I, Maeve Caro, deserved this embarrassing monstrosity to happen to her. Is it because I didn't go with my GiGi to church when she's offered? Maybe because I always pretend I'm not home when those Jehovah Witness boys knock on my door? Ah f**k why did I have to butt dial him! f**k MY LIFE.

I trembled as I grabbed the phone still a bit hazy, "Here.. I'm here." My voice came out quiet and shaken most likely from embarrassment.

"What are you doing right now, Maeve?" His voice sounded unsteady as well. I mean I'm sure it's unsteady; he just answered a phone call hearing me moan like a desperate b***h in heat.

"Uh..." I tried thinking of a lie, but nothing came to mind. "f*****g myself."

MAEVE THE f**k.

"That's what I assumed. Hearing your voice like that was definitely not what I expected to hear when answering your phone call." He was silent for a moment before speaking again. "Did you finish yet?"

Oh he did NOT just ask that. I knew my face was already red from before but he was not helping my embarrassment at the moment. How do I answer? I'm already in deep s**t. Oh my goodness. My mother would kill me if she knew. NO Jo would never let me live this down. Why couldn't I have called 'Tinder guy' in my phone because then I know it wouldn't have been as embarrassing. OAKLEY THOUGH? Oh he will make this a nightmare for me.

"No Oakley I did not finish. Oh my god this is so embarrassing. Do you really think I would finish after realizing i butt dia-" his voice cut my rant off.

"Lay back and continue."

"Excuse me?" I laughed out in astonishment. "Why should I do that?"

"Have you ever had anyone tell you how to f**k yourself? Someone to control every action just through words as you let them hear what a pathetic slut you are begging for more? Cmon, aren't you curious?" I could hear the smug expression he was wearing, but at the moment my horny curious self decided to indulge.

"Fine." I laid back against the mattress pulling my toy out of me. I had made a mess already seeing my pink toy glisten. "Tell me what to do Mr. In Control."

I heard a low chuckle through the phone leaving goosebumps up my arms. His steady breathing had me thinking maybe he was nervous or embarrassed, but I was proved wrong.

"Maeve I would highly suggest you watch your tone with me. I'm doing everything in my power to not leave this beach party to come f**k you myself. Now, quit being a brat or I'll make this agonizingly slow for you." I swallowed hard feeling my body tingle with anticipation. It felt as if my heart was banging against my rib cage begging to escape knowing I'd give into the one person I find myself wanting to hate so badly.

"Okay," I almost whispered into the phone listening to both of our heavy breathing. I licked my lips brushing my leg against the other waiting for whatever command he had waiting for me.

"Spread your legs. I know you're probably rubbing them together or at least pressing that cute ass into the bed. Am I right? So spread them. Wide."

My legs instantly spread as I felt the cool temperature kiss against my burning skin.

"Are they open, darlin?" I breathed in through my nose sharply feeling myself nod.

"They are..." I kept curiosity in my voice even though I was speaking much smaller than before. I wasn't a submissive person one bit, but I was at the point where if I didn't c*m I'd probably start a war that would begin the apocalypse.

"Atta girl. Why don't you take that pretty little hand of yours and rub it flat against that drenched p***y of yours? Not just your c**t. I want your fingers rubbing in circles feeling the slick juices your slutty cunt has made seeping between each of your fingers. I know you probably creamed all over your fingers or were you using something else?" His voice was so condescending, but for some reason instead of annoying me it excited me.

"Something else", was all I could respond out obeying his command. He was right though. My fingers were already covered and I could feel myself dripping down to my ass and pool against my duvet.

"Figured. I bet you haven't been f****d good in a while, huh? Actually don't answer that. If you're letting me walk you through this I'm positive you get f****d by some lousy men. Keep rubbing for me, but take your other hand and slip two fingers down that throat of yours. I want you pressing against that tongue and gagging princess."

I was a bit shocked by him, but he always tends to take me by surprise. "Okay one second..." I placed the phone down and grabbed my AirPods slipping them on letting them instantly connect. I did exactly as said keeping a steady hand moving circular motion between my leg and slipping two fingers against my wet tongue. It was a weird feeling, but that euphoric feeling before started to arise yet again. My lips wrapped around my fingers and I couldn't help moaning out.

"Just like that. f**k Maeve you sound so f*****g sexy right now. Slip two fingers in that p***y, sweetheart. You'll love it." He sounded so sure of himself that I didn't even hesitate to do exactly that. They slipped in with ease and the moan I let out was louder than before. My eyes darted to the door nervously before reminding myself that I really need to keep it down. "Maeve slowly curl those fingers with each thrust for me. Do you like that? You like being told how to f**k that pretty cunt of yours?" I nodded out as I curled my fingers feeling it hit that one spot that had me arching my back and biting down on my fingers. "Answer me, Maeve."

"Yes. I f*****g like it, Oak", I whimpered lowly as I pressed my face into the pillow. "Oh god!" I continued f*****g myself with my fingers as I licked at my digits.

"Use those soaked fingers you've been choking on and play with those pretty n*****s I remember so well." My fingertips smeared the drool all over my breast as I started small circles around my bud. It felt as if firework were exploding in my c**t and all I wanted to do was reach my finale.

"Oh f**k yes," I hissed out looking down at slow torture I was committing on my own body. He was so quiet but it felt like he was right here with me watching every naughty action I was doing.

"I bet you look beautiful all spread out fingering that pretty p***y right now. Your face is probably flushed with drool dripping out that smart ass mouth of yours. Makes me want to ruin you." I could tell from his tone he was holding himself back. "Get that toy and f**k it right now. Ride it. Use your hips not your hands."

My fingers slipped out immediately as I got on my knees and positioned the dildo between my legs. I aligned it before slowly pressing myself down on it; the moan I let out matched one he let out soon after. It was one of the sexiest things I think I've ever heard. I began rolling my hips before gripping my ass with both hands and riding.

Thank god for a bed that doesn't squeak or move.

"Maeve ride that toy exactly how you want to ride the real thing. I bet you can't even think in that pretty little head of yours. You wanna lose control sometimes too and the only time is when you are sat up on top of a thick c**k. Keep f*****g it. You work so hard all the time and have to be in control of everything. Just let it go. Enjoy this. f*****g ride the c**k until you're creaming all over it. Such a f*****g good girl moaning like a desperate whore." His words had me a mess just moaning and whimpering enough for him to listen. I found myself grinding against the mattress and toy as it sat all the way into me. The feeling of being filled enough to hit me close to that peak I've been trying to reach. "That's it. That's it Maeve. Good f*****g girl. God you sound so god damn sexy. I wish I was spanking that ass of yours. I bet you love being marked and bruised up too,huh? I can even see myself collaring you up so you know your place. A f*****g pet there to milk my c**k and know what a real f**k is." My eyes widened at his words and all I could do was picture myself collared up crawling to a man-spread Oakley on a couch with his c**k out. God I wanna taste it, ride it, worship it. Worship this man. f**k I need it.

I didn't realize I was even muttering out loud, "I need it please. Please. I need it" repeatedly until I heard that low laugh that had my p***y clenching my imitation of what I really needed.

"Yeah I know you do. And Maeve I'm going too give it to you. I want you sat up on my c**k enjoying every f*****g inch I have to offer you. I'll show you exactly how you deserved to be fucked." His stern confidence had my walls ready to break. I pressed my face down into the mattress while my hand pressed hard strokes on my c**t. "Now you're going to c*m. I want that p***y drenching your sheets by the time you're done. f*****g c*m for me."

My hips moved against my hand and the toy as I felt that little bit of control I did have evaporate. I pressed my lips against my pillow letting out a drawn out moan as my body quivered against my hand. "That's it. Such a good little slut you are, Maeve." He softly spoke into the phone as my body continued to soak in bliss.

I lay there breathless as my c*m pooled down my toy onto my bed. I was surprised at the mess, but it in fact had been a while. I hated to admit it, but that was probably the best orgasm I've ever had.

"You there?" I shook my head out of my thoughts finally realizing what had happened. Fuck.. f**k!

"Yeah, uh, look sorry about that," I started but heard a scoff.

"You better not tell me to act like it never happened. That s**t was hot." The audacity of this man. It was hot, but doesn't mean I have to act as if I'm into him still.

"Wow Oakley, you really just can't let a girl apologize without thinking I'm gonna abandon you or whatever. You got some major trust issues. You're still an asshole I see," I snapped on the phone sitting up and pulling the toy from me. I stood up walking to my bathroom cleaning the toy and wiping between my legs.

"Nice one Maeve. Don't forget you're the one who agreed to go along with listening to this asshole tell you how to f**k yourself," he immediately hung up before I could say anything back.

God... I really hate him and I'm going to show him just how much I f*****g hate him.

I hopped into the shower doing my normal routine of hair washing, skin prepping, and shaving. I'm gonna make this man regret talking to me like I'm just SO desperate for him.

I blow dried my hair and slipped into a black pj set and headed down the hall to my living room. Jo sat there with a face mask and glass of wine while thumbing through Hulu. "So had a nice O and shower?"

My face heated up as I grabbed a glass from the wine cart and poured wine into it. I swished it around before peering up at her. "I did."

"Nice anyway wanna watch Hereditary or are we going classic with steamy romance since you seem so in the mood?" She smirked over towards me as I kept thinking of the best ways to disappear.

"Hereditary is fine."