Chapter 9 Again
997 Words
Confidence is a strange thing.
People talk about it like it's a thing.
Like once you find it it just stays.
Nobody tells you how fragile it can be.
How one bad day can make it disappear.
Monday morning came with skies and cold wind.
The kind of weather that makes everything feel heavy.
Including me.
I stood in front of my bedroom mirror than usual.
Not because I looked different.
I didn't.
My hair still wouldn't cooperate.
My clothes were still from the second-hand store.
My limp was still there.
Something felt different.
Maybe it was Ryders words stuck in my head all weekend.
"When you play you stop looking afraid."
Nobody had ever noticed something like that before.
The memory made me smile.
A small smile.
A real one.
Then I caught myself.
The smile faded away.
Because smiling at myself felt weird.
Almost embarrassing.
I grabbed my backpack. Headed to school.
The confidence disappeared before the period.
It happened in the hallway.
Like it always does.
A group of girls walked past me.
One of them bumped my shoulder.
Not hard.
Just enough.
No apology.
They kept laughing.
Kept talking.
Kept moving.
Like I wasn't there.
The moment lasted than three seconds.
It brought back years of memories.
The whispers.
The stares.
The feeling of being on the edges of everyone Lives.
By the time I reached class the confidence I had all morning had shrunk.
Maybe that's why the note in my locker felt so important.
I unfolded it quickly.
The familiar handwriting greeted me.
"Bad mornings don't define who you are."
I stared.
My heart skipped.
The timing felt impossible.
Like the writer knew how I felt.
I folded the note. Slipped it into my notebook.
Whoever this person was they had become part of my routine.
A strange mysterious part.
A comforting one.
The day went on.
Classes.
Assignments.
Teachers.
The usual.
Then came gym class.
My favorite hour.
Actually I hated cafeteria lunches
Gym was close second.
The teacher divided everyone into teams for volleyball.
I knew how this would go.
Nobody wanted me on their team.
Not because they hated me.
Because they thought I'd slow them down.
The result was always the same.
I was chosen last.
Every single time.
Today was no different.
One by one students were selected.
Names called.
Teams filled.
Two people remained.
Me.
A freshman who looked half asleep.
The coach sighed.
"You two are together."
Students laughed.
The familiar humiliation settled in.
Like a coat I didn't want to wear.
The game began.
For twenty minutes I went mostly unnoticed.
Then disaster struck.
A volleyball flew toward me.
I reacted too slow.
The ball slammed into my shoulder.
Pain exploded through my arm.
The ball bounced away.
The gym erupted with groans.
"Oh come on."
"Seriously?"
"She missed that?"
My face burned.
I wanted to disappear.
Again.
Always again.
The rest of the game passed in silence.
By the time the bell rang I felt exhausted.
Not physically.
Emotionally.
There's a difference.
One kind of tired can be fixed with sleep.
The other follows you everywhere.
After changing clothes I headed to the music building.
My sanctuary.
My escape.
The place where nobody expects anything from me.
The moment I entered the piano room relief washed over me.
I sat down.
Closed my eyes.
Placed my fingers on the keys.
Played.
The melody sounded different today.
Not sad.
Not angry.
Tired.
The notes carried frustration.
Disappointment.
The exhaustion of trying.
Of hoping things might change.
Halfway through the song I stopped.
My hands fell still.
The room suddenly felt quiet.
Too quiet.
"What happened?"
The voice startled me.
I looked up.
Ryder stood in the doorway.
Holding a guitar case.
His brow furrowed slightly.
"You stopped."
I shrugged.
"Didn't feel like finishing."
That wasn't true.
It was easier than explaining.
Ryder didn't move.
Didn't speak.
He simply watched me.
For seconds.
Long enough to become uncomfortable.
Finally he sat down in the chair beside the piano.
"You know what your problem is?"
I blinked.
"What?"
"You listen to everyone except yourself."
I stared.
His expression remained serious.
"I don't."
"You do."
"I don't."
"You definitely do."
Despite myself I laughed.
Ryder smiled.
Victory.
Again.
Somehow he always seemed pleased when he made me laugh.
It was becoming suspicious.
"Tell me something."
His voice softened.
"What?"
"When was the time you looked at yourself the way you look at other people?"
I frowned.
"What does that mean?"
"It means you're kind to everyone except yourself."
The words landed hard.
Because deep down I knew he was right.
I spent much time understanding everyone elses flaws.
Excusing everyone Mistakes.
When it came to my own...
I was ruthless.
The room fell silent.
Not awkward.
Reflective.
Outside rain began tapping against the windows.
For a while neither of us spoke.
Then Ryder reached into his backpack.
Pulled out a folded piece of paper.
Handed it to me.
Curious I unfolded it.
My eyes widened.
It was a poster.
The singing competition.
My name appeared among the contestants.
Large.
Visible.
Real.
My stomach immediately tightened.
"I can't do this."
The words escaped before I could stop them.
Ryder looked at me carefully.
"Why?"
I laughed bitterly.
"Have you met me?"
His expression didn't change.
"Yeah."
The answer came instantly.
Without hesitation.
Like he genuinely couldn't understand my doubt.
Something, inside me shifted.
Not enough to change everything.
Enough.
Enough to make me wonder.
Enough to make me hope.
Enough to make me question whether the version of myself I'd believed in for years was actually true.
Outside the rain kept falling.
Inside the poster remained in my hands.
A reminder.
A challenge.
An opportunity.
For the first time instead of seeing everything that could go wrong...
I found myself imagining what might happen if it went right.
The thought terrified me.
It also felt strangely beautiful.
Like the note of a song waiting to be sung.
- Writer
