Chapter 18 She Changed Her Mind
882 Words
After almost confessing to Ethan, Lily spent the entire weekend avoiding her own thoughts.
Every time she remembered that moment in the hall, her stomach tightened.
She had really been about to say it.
Not joke about it.
Not hint at it.
Actually say it.
And that scared her.
By Monday morning, she had convinced herself that confessing would be a terrible idea.
Maybe the worst idea she had ever had.
As she walked into school, she repeated the reasons in her head.
If Ethan didn’t feel the same way, everything would become awkward.
If things became awkward, they might stop talking.
If they stopped talking, she would lose him completely.
No.
That wasn’t a risk she was willing to take.
When she entered the classroom, Ethan was already there.
He smiled the moment he saw her.
“Morning.”
“Morning.”
For a second, Lily remembered how close she had come to telling him the truth.
Her heart immediately started acting stupid again.
She quickly sat down and opened her notebook.
Ethan frowned.
“You’re quiet.”
“I’m always quiet.”
“Not with me.”
That answer made things worse.
Lily forced herself to focus on her notes.
She needed distance.
Not because she wanted it.
Because she needed it.
Over the next few days, she started pulling back little by little.
Nothing obvious.
Nothing anyone else would notice.
She replied to messages a little later.
She didn’t stay after class as often.
She tried not to look for him the moment she entered a room.
It was a terrible plan.
Mostly because it wasn’t working.
The more she tried to create distance, the more she missed him.
By Wednesday, even Sophie noticed.
“Okay, what’s happening now?”
Lily looked up from her lunch.
“What do you mean?”
“You’ve been acting strange all week.”
“I’m fine.”
“You almost confessed last week and now you’re acting like you’re scared of him.”
Lily groaned.
“Can you stop bringing that up?”
“No.”
Lily dropped her head onto the table.
Sophie laughed softly.
“You backed out, didn’t you?”
Lily didn’t answer.
That was answer enough.
“You changed your mind.”
“What was I supposed to do?” Lily asked quietly. “Tell him and risk losing everything?”
Sophie sighed.
“You don’t know that you’ll lose everything.”
“And I don’t know that I won’t.”
For once, Sophie didn’t have a reply.
Because that was the truth.
Nobody knew what would happen.
That uncertainty was exactly what terrified Lily.
Later that day, Ethan found her sitting alone outside near the football field.
The weather was cool and most students were still inside.
He sat beside her without asking.
“You’ve been avoiding me.”
Lily nearly choked.
“What?”
“You heard me.”
“I’m not avoiding you.”
Ethan looked at her.
The problem with Ethan was that he paid attention.
Too much attention.
“You take longer to reply.”
Lily looked away.
“You leave earlier.”
She stayed quiet.
“You’ve been different since last week.”
His voice wasn’t accusing.
Just confused.
And somehow that made her feel worse.
“It’s nothing.”
“It doesn’t feel like nothing.”
For a moment neither of them spoke.
Lily could feel her heartbeat speeding up.
She hated this.
She hated lying to him.
But she didn’t know how to tell the truth.
Because the truth was sitting right there beside her.
The truth was that she liked him too much.
The truth was that she was trying to protect herself.
The truth was that being around him was becoming harder every day.
Ethan leaned back on the bench.
“If I did something wrong, you can tell me.”
That almost broke her heart.
Because he looked genuinely worried.
“No,” she said quickly. “You didn’t do anything.”
“Then what’s going on?”
Lily stared at the ground.
For one dangerous second, she almost told him again.
Almost.
But then fear won.
Just like it always did.
“I’m stressed about graduation.”
The lie came out smoother than she expected.
Ethan studied her face.
She wasn’t sure if he believed her.
Finally he nodded.
“Okay.”
But his voice sounded uncertain.
Like he knew there was more she wasn’t saying.
They sat there for a few more minutes before the bell rang.
As they stood up, Ethan looked at her again.
“You know you can talk to me, right?”
Lily forced a smile.
“I know.”
But that was the problem.
If she talked to him honestly, everything might change.
And she wasn’t ready for that.
That night, she opened her notebook and wrote a single sentence.
Sometimes silence feels safer than the truth.
She stared at the words for a long time.
Then she closed the notebook.
Her decision was made.
She wasn’t going to confess.
Not now.
Maybe not ever.
No matter how much it hurt.
No matter how much she loved him.
She would keep it to herself.
Because losing the chance to be with Ethan seemed painful.
But losing Ethan completely felt unbearable.
- Writer
